Xero's other waste of space

January 20, 2011

selfish selflessness

Filed under: General — Xero @ 8:57 pm

So, in conclusion, I am still not fully enjoying my attempt at being a more social person.

Maybe my expectations are all fucked up or something, could it be that simple?

Maybe I’m picking from the wrong crowd, I don’t know, I work, I get out more than I used to which is still not much, but, I have limited exposure to a crowd of people, which I’m wondering if might be bringing me down in the long term.

I’m falling back into old eating habits again too, I need to start drinking more water again I think. However, part of my new eating habits emerged due to my new social life or whatever. At the same time, I’m considering leaving it all to move closer to my job and get a fresh start on the whole social thing. I don’t know when. I want more money saved up before I do anything too drastic.

I spent my last year spending a lot of money on music equipment and not enough time on music. I need to get everything I have in working order and finish setting up what I have. I need to start saving more money and not spend it. At the same time, my current friends seem to make almost nothing in comparison and don’t seem to really have that much ambition in terms of making more, maybe talk but no action. I am a procrastinator myself, but my base level of wants and desires has kept me motivated enough to work hard at my job and keep showing up on time, even though I’m starting to realize how much I hate working on a fixed schedule.

I’ve been playing around with some ideas in my head regarding things like compassion and altruism, in the past, yeah root of all evil, I know, but I was like, okay, maybe I am just coming off like some really selfish unsociable person or something because of it…or maybe I’m just too quick to judge people, or something.

One thing hasn’t changed, I always know what I don’t like.

I don’t like most new music. OK, I like some, but not most. If they play it on TV or Radio right now, I probably hate it. That “Fuck You” song irritates me even though it kind of stands a bit for George Carlin’s seven dirty words. That’s the thing, George Carlin at least had some sophistication, I feel like this song is the verbal equivalent of the “baby got back” music video rather than making a point. It’s like, people want to be shocked, basically. Come on, push the limits, I dare you, but it’s all bullshit. There were never any limits anyway, it’s just an illusion…bleep out a word, as if we don’t know what the word is. Who does any of it fool? Fuck you, oh nos, you said a bad word. This generation is much more tolerable to naughty language than the past few, but needlessly rubbing it in my face to prove said point is unnecessary…I got the point when George Carlin made it, and Lenny Bruce before him, and all the others who actually got arrested/gave a part for the cause, this song? Meh, “fuck you” is practically casual language now with a large portion of people I know. This isn’t shocking anymore. Lady Gaga sucks too. I hate people who passively let music find them, rather than finding music they like.

I hate when people are so blinded by their own selfless acts that they don’t realize when said acts are hurting others. Much the same as activists who only fight for half the side of the story, a selfless act intended to help which in turn hurts irritates me much the same way.

I hate jealousy and the resulting anxiety it causes me. I’m not even really sure what I’m jealous about anymore. It seems to just be a response to my lack of action and the actions of others. I hate feeling upstaged, I guess, but at the same time I’m not a very competitive person, so I have no easy way to deal with it. Sometimes I feel like there’s another person in my head which wants to escape but is constantly forced through the filters of my life/world/reality. Filters, anxiety, whatever. Fact is, I still feel like there’s something holding it back, and I’m not entirely sure what. I feel like I’m close, closer than ever before, but at the same time, recent events have sort of made me feel like regressing back to old habits. Will I ever break free of whatever is holding me back? I wonder if it’s a chicken or the egg thing – will I break free if I get the things I want, or will I get what I want if I break free…I still feel that is the latter, but my recent regressions make me think I need to change tactic. Different group of people maybe? I don’t know, and honestly I’m no good at finding new people to hang out with. I feel like my current friends aren’t a perfect match, but are better than nothing. I don’t want to feel like they’re temporary or that I’m taking them for granted, but I’m not sure how much any of this really matters anyway, but what I do know is that I can’t just stay the same.

I don’t speak my mind enough, but sometimes what I’m thinking might be judgmental, or hard truth that some people don’t want to hear. However, as I quietly listen and observe while thinking said things, I start to wonder if I’m the one creating the false pretenses by subjecting myself to situations which I don’t entirely like to begin with. However, I question on the opposite side of the situation as to whether my judgement might be too harsh or premature, but the thing is, more often than not it stays the same over time, so I tend to rule out the premature theory…Or am I just never able to admit I’m wrong…but how can I be wrong if the matter is of taste? There’s no right or wrong for things like that…but is it wrong to judge someone because you don’t like their taste? I sort of feel like you represent yourself with what you consume…

Maybe I just am focusing too much on the things I don’t like. I’m always so quick to disagree when I don’t like something, either that or I’ll say nothing, in either case the conversation is probably dead by now. What am I supposed to focus on though, the things I like? OK, so when people don’t like the things I like, then where am I at? Is that when I look for a new crowd? You know, it’s stupid shit like this which are the things in life that drive me crazy.

I hate when people are always calling me a genius, usually in the middle of a social situation where I’m feeling like a total idiot or otherwise uncomfortable/awkward/whatever. I don’t want to be some awkward person, am I really so damn different? Is there really no one else who thinks even remotely like I do? This is almost an insult to me now, it’s just like, you’re weird. Thanks a lot.

Can you be polite and selfish at the same time? What is being polite anyway? If it’s telling people what they want to hear, then I don’t want to be polite. Doing things for others? I wouldn’t even know where to start, I have enough time trying to take care of myself. Maybe I’m still not ready for this, I don’t know. It’s like how can I improve myself if it requires selfless acts, because I’m too far into selfish land, while at the same time not becoming a tasteless fake of my former self. I’m supposed to be nice, make compliments, whatever, but if those things don’t come naturally to me, why should I force it? That seems even more awkward to me. I don’t even know how to respond when people compliment me most of the time other than just being like thanks or something that briefly ends the encounter. I guess I don’t like compliments that much, so I don’t give them. I feel like compliments raise some sort of expectation or something. I guess people like to feel like their efforts are worthwhile or something, but if you only do things you enjoy, you don’t have to worry about whether or not something is worth it, because you will have enjoyed it regardless, thats how I feel anyway.

I’ve heard things like you need to like yourself before you can like other people, but I sort of feel indifferent about it all I guess, so it seems to cancel out. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me for not liking certain things that a lot of other people like. Sometimes it almost seems like it would be easier if I liked those things…but, I just can’t do it. I have my own taste. Sure, I’ve changed my mind about a few things in the past, but, generally I know whether I like something or not.

So back to that whole altruism thing, I mean, root of all evil still? I don’t know, let’s get back to that. Moving on…

Compassion for others? Love and all that? Well, before, I guess my stance was sort of, it’s all fake! Chemicals in your brain…I suppose I still sort of agree with that, even though I want a girl in my life and probably would fall aimlessly into said chemical trap. At one point I felt like I had to put up some manly shield, I gotta be tough and shit right! Love, pfft, who needs that. In hindsight, I think I was probably just being blinded by my own false perceptions of gender expectations. I think generally it’s kind of hard to make fun of a guy having feelings for a girl, I mean, that’s hardly too unusual for a straight dude. I need to stop being afraid of my own damn emotions and take down these filters…blah! I don’t know why I do these things to myself. It makes me feel like I’m really out of touch with things in either case. I don’t trust my intuition even when it generally does tell me the truth.

I have read that compassion is a required part of love, I’m not really sure what any of it means anymore. I mean, obviously if I like someone, I’m not going to be mean to them, but compassion? I don’t know. I guess I have trouble with the whole going out of my way for others, but at the same time, I know if I had a girlfriend I’d probably go out totally of my way for them because I’m a total pushover like that, though I’m sure that’d get old fast so within reason of course. I guess I don’t risk compassion enough – like a gamble or bet or something. If you don’t ever play, you don’t ever win, or lose for that matter…but you can’t only play when the odds are in your favor, you have to play anyway on the chance it goes that way. but i hate gambling so maybe i shouldn’t have used that example haha.

Some people have no problem doing tons of things for other people, but is that what it’s really about? I mean, I don’t think compassion is helping a lazy person be lazy, I mean I suppose the occasional kind gesture or whatever, but what if things are more convenient for the other person than myself? Go out of my way? Hmm, but how often and how much is too much? You know, these things don’t have any definite answer, but at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I’m not being myself, or being used.

People say I’m smart – but something as stupid as this has me in pieces – I mean, I wish people really knew the truth, meh, forget that, I wish I had the guts to just flat out say the truth in response to that “you’re smart” bullshit. I’m smart? OK fine whatever. And you’re what, dumb? Average? How are your social skills? Mine, oh well that’s a long story.

I want to fit in but I want to be different at the same time. I don’t know what the fuck my deal is anymore. Why the hell things don’t ever come together more easily is beyond me, but if it’s not going to happen by itself, then I need to do something. I just don’t know what.

I started feeling kind of lonely at one point, so I sort of immersed myself into a few social situations, but now I wonder if all I really did was lead myself further down a road of false hopes and pretenses…and in the end, I left not feeling as lonely, but not really any more happy.

I think it’s time to just conclude I’m not getting what I want from these social situations, at the same time I’m not even sure what I want, some kind of mental stimulation or something, I just am not able to speak my mind freely enough with the crowd I’m in, and fall backs such as common interests and what not seems to lead me to more frustration…The stupid thing is, the crowd I’m in thinks they’re open, liberal, kinda hippyish, etc, and yet I can’t speak my mind. Fact is, people are open to what doesn’t shatter their world, but if you’re bumbling around wondering what your new horoscope date is and come across someone with any hint of skepticism and some awkward social behavior, they must be a fucking genius.

On a slightly different note, I don’t like how some people act when they’re drunk. Being drunk doesn’t mean you can just make stupid decisions and blame it on drunkenness. You made the decision to get drunk, thus you’re just as responsible for any decisions thereafter. At this point, I already don’t drink, but I’m tempted to give up any sort of routine intoxication of any kind – once in a while maybe, but close to near every day? Too much…old habits die hard i guess.

More to the point, physical attraction is a dirty whore. Rather, physical attraction makes a dirty whore. Alcohol is an excuse, but the lack of standards is apparently now socially acceptable. I blame the 60s. Fucking hippies. Literally. Yeah, this is like the 2nd time it’s caught me off guard. People this day in age don’t fuck around about fucking around. I guess in that regard I’m somewhat conservative. Wow, not that I want some submissive housewife or anything, but, I’m a dude who still has standards, I thought there was some women out there who still had em, but nope, even the ones you think do, just wait for an attractive enough guy to walk their way, get to know you? yeah, that’s what she said.

Anyway, back to that whole altruism thing. What I’m starting to realize is that even altruism is kind of a mutual selfish thing, rather than a selfless thing entirely. Haha, the golden rule. That whole, treat others how you want to be treated, with the intention that your bet will pay off and you’ll get some treatment back. Okay, but everyone? And how nice exactly? What does any of it really mean? I’m starting to think that it’s not really all as bad as I’m making it out to be, but really, at this point none of it matters unless I can actually meet some new people and test out some of these theories.

I’m still not sure where I’m really going with all this…I just know where I’m not…

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