Xero's other waste of space

you know being a kid was kinda weird for me, I’ve always kinda lived by my own ways, so my general feeling of being is usually the same as it was then. Strangeness.

Oh yeah I shaved and it totally weirded everyone out. I’m kind of amused by it. Okay this is turning into a stupid journal diary style entry and its pissing me off.
Fuck that.

I hate you all and I rule. You wish you ruled this much. I need to start kicking asses again on here, unfortunately my specimen samples have been pretty weak with the job occupying most of my time. Oh yeah, apparently I’m offensive to some people, which I find awesome. Everything I say is true and absolute, so when I’m joking around it must be hard for people to know the difference. Oh well, maybe that just means the joke applied to you personally, which is usually a bad thing. In that case, the jokes on you!

what a bad joke.

As of recently there hasn’t been much I’ve wanted to do and haven’t been able to get done, well except maybe make a couple million dollars, but I’m working on that one. I gave up on that whole hard work gets you far thing long ago, I haven’t believed such nonsense since I wrote my piece a few years back regarding the mind trick we call capitalism. Trick enough of the people to think hard work, a good education, or what not is the key to making it rich, meanwhile the real rich couldn’t give a rats ass, most of which got where they were by a combination of connections and just plain old being at the right place, at the right time. I wrote that piece over 2 years ago. Amazing.

So I love it when people try to convince me that pushing harder at my dead-end job is somehow going to get me places. Yeah right. I don’t even think it’ll get me places at the job, none the less in “The Real World”. Didn’t I write something about people who use “the real world” as justifications for their argument? Damn, I think I did. So much that I have written about. This has become some sort of reflection on the past. As of recent I haven’t had as much time to reflect on myself as I did in those days, it’s weird what a job can do to you, but I refuse to become a dog. And I refuse to let my skills rot away. I will kick ass regardless of peoples mind trickery.

I definitely miss the life of slacking. So I must do something soon if I want to make the kind of money I will need to return to my slackery.

It’s funny being the self-proclaimed top-guy at my job. I didn’t even make that up, the stats show it as well. No one will ever admit it to me though, they’d probably think I’ll be cocky about it just because I’m cocky about everything else. By saying this I probably even seem cocky. Oh well.

I think this just shows how much I rule. Even at a crappy job that I hate I can kick ass. Just wait, one day I will release my true potential. Then I will retire to a life of slackery. I’m young, I could go to college and try to fit into some predefined mold depending on the classes I take, or I could just risk it and see what happens. After all, what do I have to lose? I think I have more to lose with the former, such as time. I don’t like losing time. Time is money.

So many people who know me know that I have a few internal goals in life, some monetary and some others. I have become sort of distracted from ass-kicking because of my job. I’ve sorta bottomed out there, the most I could be doing is barely more than what I do, and what I do is not that impressive. This is okay in the short term but bad in the long term and eventually the significance of my goals will start to take priority. It’s almost been a year now, and I don’t think I can last another one without some big changes. I just wish it were more to put on a resume. Either way, I will be sticking it out for a bit longer and hopefully they’ll let me do some more.

It’s amusing when a senior employee tells me I should tell one of my many bosses about one of my achievements, telling me it’s something that’s very useful and they should be aware of it and I have to respond and tell them yeah, they probably don’t care, I don’t think they like me, especially after they threatened to fire me the other day. It doesn’t really matter there anyway, I don’t think any amount of knowledge can solve this problem. Plain and simple, some people hate me.

That’s okay, I hate you too. You know I’ve always sort of had a few different sides to myself, there’s my internal thinking side which is usually busy kicking some serious ass, it writes bash scripts while it aborts fetuses and eats beef jerky. It’s also writing this. Then there’s a few different external sides, first there’s my one on one side, this is when I’m talking to someone privately. Then there’s a group one, which varies from nerdy and talkative to shy and avoidant.

In a casual situation, around friends or what not, I’m generally talkative, sometimes overly so, but I generally reveal my true potential. Then there’s a defensive side, this side can make me look bad, since generally I’m too busy trying to think of a defense to really ever get out what I mean, in group situations this usually leads to me just avoiding the situations after a while, this may seem to be shyness in some situations depending if I was ever talkative at all with the group. I feel I’ve quickly taken the defensive with some of my so called “higher-ups.”

This isn’t really such a bad thing in the long term, I don’t plan on sticking around forever. In the short term it could present problems because if I want to get out of there quickly then I need more for my resume in less time. At the same time I feel that in the areas I’m interested in I far surpass most of these higher-ups in actual ability. They seem to have become figureheads and perhaps even lost some ability in the process, or maybe they just never had it. Apparently I’m not an expert in “Customer Service” and you know what, I wasn’t really trying to be anyway. I don’t want to be good at customer service, I don’t like it, I never wanted to be doing it, and I don’t care that you think you’re good at it. I just wish my numbers weren’t showing me as one of the top guys in my divsion. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad. Some people think I have a big head, but others have pretty much confirmed my beliefs.

I’ve quickly become friendly with some of the senior employees, I suppose you could call them, basically people who’ve been there for a long time but never got moved into a management position. Infact most of them are the ones who recognize my skill, too bad the management can’t, or maybe they can, but they’d never admit to it so they can keep me at a loss on the issue. If so, fuck them, but let’s not make too many assumptions, they’re probably too busy trying to find insignificant issues to bitch me out about. Let’s just ignore the fact that my numbers were excellent and I know more than most of their employees, there’s gotta be SOMETHING I’m doing wrong. Shit, maybe this entry will be their next target. Hope they don’t find it.

I feel when it comes to computers, now my primary topic of interest I suppose, I feel that to gain my respect, you must first prove yourself. I have given my bosses numerous chances to do so, and I’ve only seen bits and pieces of knowledge, but no complete understandings, and more then anything I’ve seen mistakes, many of them. Maybe it’s just my negative side, I’ve always been one to point out the bad things, but this seems silly, because there’s plenty people there who I can say I have some amount respect for. Too bad none of them are my bosses. There’s really nothing special you have to do to prove yourself, I’m not asking you to go out of the way, it’s really just a matter of demonstrating ability, doesn’t even have to be intentionally. I suppose it’s the whole “to be a hacker you must be granted this title from other hackers” kind of thing. Unfortunately, most of the abilities I see are lackluster and unimpressive to me.

You know I was trying to think of some funny shit to write for this but I must say much of my cynicism has instead been directed at my job. It’s hard to be funny and creative when you’re doing the same thing every single day of your life, no surprises, just stampedes of stupid people asking the same questions over and over again. What was that? Oh yeah, my other personality, the emotionless phone-drone. Don’t bother thinking I’m some nice guy over the phone, I’ve quickly become the stereotypical BOFH. And I hate you.