Xero's other waste of space

May 29, 2004


Filed under: General — Xero @ 4:40 am

I think whenever I’m bored or stressed I start to fear something is wrong with me. It might be stomach problems, it might fearing some mole is cancerous, or that my rash I have is masking some other ailment of the day.

It’s really starting to piss me off, just now I had the worst attack of this yet. It was pretty bad too I was getting really anxious and all. I kept reading some shit about melanoma and find all this shit about young people getting it on this page of some plastic surgeon saying you should fear it or something.

I don’t think fearing it is very good. All these damn illnesses and what not that people can get I swear there’s so much shit that can go wrong with the human body it’s not even funny. It’s like ridiculous amounts of stuff. And I’ve only seen a tiny part of it all.

What the hell is with that anyway? It’s starting to piss me off more and more. I could never be a doctor, I’d go absolutely insane. I don’t know what it is I’m worried about. I don’t really want to die but know it’s inevitable.

I think if I had some disease and my chances to survive were about none I’d just ask for lethal injection right there because I wouldn’t want to go through all the torturous treatments just because there’s a slight possibility that it might help.

In reality I think we barely know shit when it comes to curing medical stuff. Most of it seems like guesses. Oh sure, we can diagnose it, but when it comes to fixing it we’re absolutely clueless yet fooling ourselves into thinking otherwise.

It’s like, you got cancer, time to inject you with some chemicals that kill your whole body and just might take out the cancer as well. Or maybe we’ll just shoot you with some cancer-causing radiation, because it might help! Or perhaps we should just attach leeches to you and have them suck out all your blood.

I’m really starting to get pissed off over this fear. Sometimes I wish my brain was just a computer program so I don’t have some stupid body which is doomed to fail to worry about.

Yet another thing pisses me off.

May 24, 2004


Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:50 pm

Today was quite an adventure.

The problem:

Me and my mom’s cousin-in-law went to my old house to move some stuff over. We get here to find the fish tank now has a crack in it. He takes no responsibility at all for it even though I’m damn sure it wasn’t broken before. He even lied to me about it and said that he said it was already cracked before we moved it, which he didn’t. Part one.

I put all the stuff we brought away and brought the broken tank up to my room to monitor it for any substantial leaking. It wasn’t leaking that much but there was no way I could fill it with water. The piece of glass was being held in by friction alone. I fall asleep for a few hours and eventually my mom got here to take me to buy a new tank, which after a quick discussion over the price and size, we finally buy one. Part two.

We get home to set it up and everything is fine. Grandpa makes a stupid comment like “I don’t want a fish tank” and I say something to the extent of “what do you want me to do kill the fish? You can go kill some people if that’s your thing but I’m not going to.” He says something about how humans are better than fish and I say not to me. Finally he gives up, walks away, and I finish setting the tank up. Part three.

I’m walking downstairs with a box to put it in the garage and was just hanging out down there until my grandpa starts up with more of his abusive threats about how I should do what he wants me to do and be like him. I proceed to tell him that if he keeps pushing me I’m going to just end up doing the exact opposite and that he should lighten up some. He then proceeds to make more threats and walks off. My mom obviously disagreed with her fathers methods but did not stand up to him and help me out, instead she made some submissive comment about how she didn’t get a break after my father died as if I’ve been getting a free ride all this time. Part four.

My grandpa leads a very structured life and lives on his traditions and old fashion methods. I don’t. If he is going to keep doing this to me then it’s not going to be very long before things start to get pretty nasty around here. I won’t be pushed around, and I will make him see the flaws of his own actions whether he likes it or not. Part five.

The solution:

An eye for an eye is the solution I see in this situation. Since he disagrees with my methods so much I will have no choice but to push the thin borders containing his. I’ll question his high belief in family compassion and show that if he really cared he would listen to me some more instead of constantly saying how he’s going to change me. No time for irrationality. No time for emotions controlling decision making. No time for outdated methods. No time for putting money above peoples feelings.

I’m tired of hearing comments about “reality.” I know reality far better than all of these people, and it’s much different from some silly human desire to survive. This survival based world which we live in is not something I particularly like, but that doesn’t mean I have to suffer to be part of it. So just because I don’t have a job at the moment suddenly I have no clue what working every day is like? Suddenly I have no clue about the territory control system known as money. As if I’m just some little kid who doesn’t know a thing. And all this just because I don’t have a job. And there’s so many bottom of the line computer jobs I could easily get and not make much pay and not enjoy that much as I’d be using such a limited part of my knowledge to accomplish it. If I got one, what would that prove? Nothing, other than satisfying someone else’s illogical desire.

Achievement doesn’t do much for me, and I’ve said this before. Anyone can achieve things, I achieve things all the time, and even if it does make me happy for a while, it doesn’t mean shit. This world loves to praise achievements though, which I find useless, as something is always going to be happening, things will always be achieved, even if humans disappeared from the face of the earth things will still be achieved.

I’m also tired of people making work out to be the most terrible thing in the world. I don’t have have a job I don’t like. I don’t have to hate my job. It’s becoming more apparent to me that these people have lived their lives by traditions and never tried to enjoy much other than the false hopes that these traditions bring. Such as silly ideas of family compassion and the supposed happiness that brings. I don’t have to suffer to show that I can be experienced with this so called reality. You people make me sick.

Family structure. I’m tired of this whole family structure bullshit. I’m sure not everyones family is like mine but seriously I don’t give a rats ass about these people anymore then I do any other human. I don’t have time to waste fooling myself into thinking one specific gene line is better than another just because I happen to be part of it. Nor do I have to try and keep it going. I don’t have to care about anyone if I don’t want to, even if I did come from them.

In fact at this point I’m just tired of humans in general. They tend to be so irrational all of the time that it’s not even funny. If it weren’t for the blatant stupidity that most people display on a daily basis, maybe I wouldn’t hate this place so much. No one understands my perspective at all around here. They just think that because I stay in my room all the time and don’t go anywhere that I’m somehow socially inept, or inexperienced with the so called real world.

And while I may not have any experience down on paper, there’s not much I can’t do and I don’t see getting a job as much of a challenge. Their world is a delusion though. A world where they say they care but once it comes to money it’s a whole different story. A world where traditional methods are put above logical decision making. A world where stereotyping is easier than judging people on an individual basis. The typical flaws that most humans have and now I’m being told I should have them too.

Of course at the same time I’m smart to these people, because they don’t really know what I’m thinking, and it makes me seem mysterious. I’m tired of people putting my dad down just because he had a lots of debt. At least he knew how to enjoy life unlike most of these people, who only get happiness from false hope and suffer in the mean time. The only reason they put my dad down for the way he lived is because they know someone is going to have to pay some of those debts off, and again, it’s more selfish reasoning. My dad’s methods were not the best and he did have a compulsive spending problem but it’s a minor problem compared to some of the alternatives.

All and all it’s the same thing yet again. Fuck off and stop telling me what to do.


Filed under: General — Xero @ 4:52 am

Well today’s a fancy day and I’m supposed to be up at 7 in the morning, lucky for me it’s 2:48 and I won’t be able to go to bed until at least 6:30 so sleeping at this point is probably useless. Ah well, time for an all nighter.

I’ve been watching tv all weekend so I haven’t had to deal with many people. There’s this classic science tv shows thing on. It’s a bit too much TV to watch to be honest so it’ll probably take me ages to go through all the recordings.

There is some nice things about it though, not dealing with anyone was pretty nice. More than anything I got everything done around here. Garage emptied, boxes moved, room cleaned, everything is done. Shit is good at the moment. No nagging, no abusive friends, nothing.

Talking to people less means I get bored more and there’s now an opening for more, which is currently overfilled. Within the past 5 months or so there was 3 people who I was talking to a lot and then stopped. That’s only 3 people, sure, and I have plenty of other people I talk to, but those people I had talked to a lot. For some reason, people who I can talk to a lot usually end up being people I hate, although there’s one exception.

My one friend I have known for years and while at first we used to fight a whole lot nothing like that has happened in ages. So things worked out fine and we talk quite a bit. A few other people I get along well with but don’t talk much at all. I think I might know what the problem is.

Usually it’s a person who shares an interest with me, alright fine. There’s only so many interests you can share until you basically just run out of things to talk about, only then do you realize you don’t even like the person to begin with. When checking my logs, out of the top 4 people on the list, 3 I don’t talk to anymore. All of which I shared interests with, but ended up not liking their personality. The other is the friend I mentioned above. Why is this? It’s because they were there as boredom satisfiers. We’d talk about the things we’re doing, specific interests we share and the things we’re doing with them, but then what happens?

It gets old. That’s what. I’d talk to them a whole lot within a period of a few months then occasionally when we’d disagree I’d start to notice the flaws of their personality. One person was dependant and irrational and could only compare opinions to others instead of forming their own, another would compulsively lie and was very arrogant, and the third had severe problems with trust and dealing with their emotions.

I’m starting to wonder how many people I can actually be friends with and talk to a lot and actually share something more than interests. It’s pretty damn limited from what I see. Most people piss me off too much. Not many people seem to be able to think clearly.

On the myer-briggs personality test my type (or types as I’m somewhere in the middle of two) seem to say most of my friends will be from shared interests. What I’ve found is that this works pretty poorly more often then not. In the end if I hate your personality it doesn’t really matter all that much what interests we share. And most people who have half decent personalities I can get along with as long as their interests aren’t terrible. Such as silly ass pop-media type stuff and clothing.

On another topic…

Ever notice that on all those old “prediction of the future” shows they show things which were already possible at that time, and usually even demonstrated it pretty closely? Predicting the technology of the future is stupid. Stupidest prediction of the future: video phone. It exists, and could have existed even way back when, as tv and cameras capable of producing a signal readable by them have existed for ages.

Why do those silly old prediction shows always mention it then? Because it seems neat? No it doesn’t. It’s stupid. It’s trying to make something inherently unrealistic more realistic is just attempting the impossible. In fact phones are already overused with cellphones and such so why the hell add another useless feature? And with all these camera phones these days adding a video capability would be so easy, and annoying.

I don’t think those future predictors realized how stupidly people would use technology.

May 20, 2004

No more emo bullshit.

Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:10 pm

I think I was just experiencing an emogirl and didn’t notice. Yay, emogirls. I haven’t been talking about emogirls much recently probably because of the fact I had been blinded by one. I can’t believe it.

Ah well, you know my stance is of course the same. Emogirls suck. Deluded by the media and surroundings – no matter how smart they seem the underlying emogirlness emerges and conquers the rest. Oh sure, it seems like it’s all jolly at first, but then what happens? It falls apart. Ask anyone who’s dealt with an emogirl and convinced themselves it was okay for a while.

I know it’s happened to my friend and I’m not the only person to have suffered the same dreaded fate. Emogirls are rampant social anomalies, there because the stupidity of society lets them be. The media and corrupt social expectations. The music which someone listens or friends they have, the influence of stupidity is found everywhere.

It’s not just that though. It’s more than just being stupid. It’s a lifestyle revolving around not understanding emotion and depending on others. It’s not about being cold or compassionate. It’s about how you deal with emotional struggles. It’s not about listening to the music of the genre “emo” but more often than not emogirls do tend to listen to music which has depressing lyrics so they can feel they relate to it, as they seem to be unable to deal with their own emotions.

Then there’s the male version in which the music is usually some poorly stated political opinion. Some female emogirls listen to this kind of music as well. The music someone listens to can definitely tell you a lot about them, but only to a certain extent. When you take a look at the music someone listens to, and more than 50% of it is full of lyrics about depressing things or useless political statements you can be pretty sure you’ve got an emogirl on your hands.

It’s not just the music though, I’m sure there’s emogirls who don’t listen to that kind of music at all and still do the other things involved to be an emogirl, such as overly depending on others for emotional support, never actually dealing with anything in the process. Acting as if they care about others when in reality they usually are just using people as emotional crutches and get off on hearing the problems of others. They’re probably truly unable to care about others, as they don’t care for themselves. Most emogirls make using people and manipulating others out to be the worst thing in the world, but that’s only a projection of themselves.

Of course that won’t stop them from saying they help others, or even trying, but in the end they’re just blinding themselves from their own actions in order to avoid having to change. Most emogirls get gratification out of being an emogirl despite how “angsty” they claim they are. It’s an attention game.

Most emogirls also have very confused ideas about love and tend make love out to be something like it is in the movies. Most male emogirls hang around female emogirls but don’t actually date them. The male emogirls usually share these same deluded ideas about love, probably in order to impress the female ones; a false compassion. The female uses the male as a crutch and the male is usually doing the same thing, but also wants sex out of it, so in the end the males takes some suffering. Most emogirls end up going for the less compassionate person who treats them like shit because their dependant behavior and false anger makes them masochistic.

In my case I more often than not come off as pretty damn cold but I’m not one to treat people like shit, I just never give up on an argument. Which tends to piss most people off, especially emogirls, as many girls in American society seem to have gotten it in their head that they can boss around men and always get their way or else they’ll threaten to leave them or what not. I’m not afraid of silly threats like that, it doesn’t phase me. I wouldn’t want to be around anyone that stupid anyway.

So if I piss some emogirl off because she’s used to getting her way with men I couldn’t give a rats ass. Let her leave. Social fads like this tend not to last very long and only cover small areas. This whole thing most likely came from biased women’s rights groups feeding the ideas of women superiority into the minds of many. Acting as if they’re some kind of abused majority and vastly taking things out of proportion, only then to use logical fallacies and threats to get their way. The cause may have had some merit at first, but at this point it’s deviated entirely from any original purpose.

The specific emogirl I dealt with was quite biased towards women and obviously made women out to be superior, despite them denying this. They persisted to point out all these things which they thought were wrong with men, but when it came to women there were no complaints made. I had actually heard similar from this same person long ago in the past, but never saw them explode with it as they did in this instance. I think what happened was that a bunch of little things about me had built up and since they can’t deal with their emotions properly it exploded all at once. Then their extremely irrational self-serving reasons as to why the little things I did were wrong all came out at once.

Constantly put on an act about how bad your life is, how bad your surroundings are, and make others feel guilty for being more fortunate, things like this which totally disregard the fact that most emogirls put themselves into the place they are in. This is what it takes to be an emogirl. No one is forced to be an emogirl, it’s a learned social behavior. Add in a pinch of arrogance and a side of stupidity and we have ourselves an emogirl extreme.

Of course, ask any emogirl, and I’m the one that’s wrong. Guess my tolerance for stupidity isn’t that high.

social situations

Filed under: General — Xero @ 7:03 am

I think some people tend to act extremely different when in a social groups vs when it’s one on one. When dealing with a specific person in a social situation their personality drastically changed as they saw me associate with people other than themselves and in different ways.

My joking around was suddenly more offensive even though the same jokes would have not been offensive in one on one contact, I was not acting any differently than normal. It seems though, that some people cannot act normal in social situations with more than one person, and tend to get greatly offended.

I’m scolded for being cold and called names and other such things for my “behavior in public” basically. It seems as I offended their friend, or they feared I had, or they saw me acting the same way I treat them to other people, and suddenly got offended.

Maybe they wanted special treatment? Maybe they wanted to be the center of attention? I am not too hard to get along with and do so pretty easily with most people, even if I don’t particularly like them. As long as it’s short contact, I’m usually alright. I joke around, and no one usually has a problem with this. I may seem cold but you’d have to really not understand me to assume that I am blind to emotion.

It’s easy to assume from much of my writing and the kind of things I say, I tend to joke around with things, sometimes even in situations where it may be inappropriate, but I have to take a humorous stance to life, because there’s no reason to be grumpy over things.

That’s why despite being called names, attacked, called a bad person, being told I don’t live up to expectations, among other things, I’m not really that offended. I can’t dread over it, because I came into this whole thing expecting problems, and in fact left the friendship before, only to have them return, multiple times. Why? I had been told by another, and later them, that they got something out of our communications.

I think what they got was someone who challenged their beliefs and behaviors. I think that I truly did help them see certain things, even though they’d never admit it. I’m not trying to claim credit though, even if I didn’t help it doesn’t matter, because I don’t get an ego high out of it or anything. I’m made out to be some spoiled kid and what not and I can’t mention the numerous times I’ve been told that, usually by them. It’s always in defense and has no real merit, because it doesn’t really make me right or wrong even if I am some spoiled kid.

Of course it’s not about right and wrong, or so that’s what we blinded ourselves to think. I admit that in the past I had said it’s not about right or wrong when it in the end was. The true outcome was unknown at the time so my statement was premature to begin with but ended up being wrong. Can’t be right all the time.

I can admit to being wrong, as I’ve stated many times before. In fact I’ve done it a few times just today. I was told that I had made claims that they had problems which they didn’t, which made no sense, as I didn’t say they had any problem and just asked them to verify my statements. They claim it was kept impersonal but it was so obviously personal it wasn’t even funny.

I’m a fucking prick and a joke with too much god damn money. Right. In fact right now I have just about no money, and only material possessions. I don’t brag about it. I’m not going to feel guilty just because someone happens to be less fortunate than I am. In fact when it comes to technological possessions we both have pretty similar stuff, even if their stuff isn’t as good, or is better than mine, does this matter?

No, because the attacks were just that, attacks. They had no logic behind them and were just ways for them to push me away, reasons to hate me, rationalizations. If they want to hate me so be it. I still won’t know why but I really don’t care that much because I can’t care for someone who won’t care for me, who won’t trust me, who puts me down for no good reason and quickly dismisses or ignores my defenses with no good reason.

Surely it’s a difference in opinion but there’s obviously some flawed philosophy mixed into this. Maybe it’s both of us, maybe just one of us, I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t feel as if I did anything wrong, and was not trying to offend anyone. I was just chatting in a chat in which they initiated, and I guess they felt I wasn’t behaving in a manner which they agreed.

From all the behavior I saw, I made the guess that they didn’t like it when they weren’t the center of attention. I was chatting away pretty well in there and wasn’t really conflicting with anyone. Then here they come and basically jump in out of no where and start attacking us. Later they justified this as just having their own opinion but it was very obvious they were quite angry, and through whole conversation until the end anger was very evident.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but I am yet again reminded of a hunch I’ve had for quite a long time. Histrionic personality disorder. This person, for as long as I known, loved being the center of attention, whether it be speaking gibberish or making fun of people, they had to be the center in group contexts.

A. Uncomfortable if not the center of attention. Covered this. Pretty sure, even though they denied it.

B. Inappropriate provocative or seductive behavior. They always have had a large following of men behind them, and were always much of a flirt. They described themselves as a player once. This one rang a bell.

C. Shallow and rapid changing emotion. Do I even have to explain this one? I’ve never met someone who could change emotion as quickly as them, any little thing could make them angry and switch emotions big time.

D. Uses appearance to draw attention? Not that I know of but they don’t seem to care about looks all that much – which is something I actually admired.

E. Speech that lacks in detail and excessively impressionistic. Definitely. During the whole argument they wouldn’t specify any details at all. They haven’t ever been much for details, all talk and no walk.

F. Theatrical, self dramatization, or out of proportion expression of emotion. YES! They always proceed to talk about how they’re very emotional, and constantly say how I lack emotion and what not. While I’m not the most emotional person in the planet, their emotions are always quite dramatized and especially past events, which get held as grudges more often than not. Their feelings about love also seem to be very exaggerated, though they dismiss my saying that, as I’ve apparently never experienced it. I honestly believe they just get obsessed with people and call it love when shit hits the fan. In the past I had even seen them become oddly obsessed with people they didn’t even know, and had trouble getting over it. They had basically been stalking them at one point.

G. Easily influenced, suggestible. Their numerous trust issues make this one very plausible, even though I may not have personally seen them as gullible, they described numerous occasions in which they had been taken advantage of. There’s also many drug issues they got influenced into as well, but I’m not sure if this counts.

H. Feels even a sociable relationship is intimate. This one is very similar to provocative or seductive manner. I can recall in the past how they talked about just how close they’d get to some people which at the time they considered friends. Of course their friends are always shifting around because it’s a constant game of betrayal and trust in their mind.

They also have some symptoms of some other personality disorders, mainly borderline, and paranoid. Borderline has symptoms of paranoia though, so who knows. Many psychological problems are tied together with others, and much is still unknown. Of course they made a comment that they don’t have any problems and it’s all my fault. This was contradictory to a previous statement made the day they came to me being quite upset that I had left, and admitted to having many problems that hadn’t been dealt with.

You could say that I’m trying to diagnose them to avoid having to say it’s my fault. That might be so, but I find it unlikely, because of the fact that this emerged during a social event, in which they hadn’t even been talking at the time, but as soon as they did, suddenly they had to make a scene. They attacked me and another person (who they don’t consider a friend but was for some reason invited to the chat) and basically disregarded us as assholes. This other person I’m not even friends with and we were debating something, so we weren’t even agreeing, but that didn’t matter. It was pretty innocent, and we had no real problem. My so called friend did though.

They proceeded to attack us both and made comments which were pretty offensive. They were provoking and not very logical. They later said something about how they don’t like to debate the way we were as if they had a better way, and that it was just some kind of ego/power trip thing, and built upon testosterone. Most of their comments were sexist, racist, and otherwise plain out stereotyping. They claimed they weren’t but it wasn’t the first time I had heard them rationalizing offensive comments. And they claim the previous events were just joking around, humor.

I guess when they use that as a defense it’s okay but when I use it it’s not. [EDIT: After further analysis I’ve noticed that almost every time they made offensive comments like the ones I mentioned above they were in group context.] Not that my defense isn’t true, though. I was being sarcastic and admit that I had been basically picking on people – but it wasn’t personal, nor bullying. Just plain old fucking around. Sarcasm. It was obvious too. Nothing more than I do in my journal numerous times per week.

And that had never been a problem with them, until this group context came into the picture. It seems their behavior changed greatly in a group context. And I just happened to be a victim of that. What am I do to? I was already prepared to lose a friend, so I don’t really have a problem at this point.

I didn’t appreciate them attacking my personal situation and other such things as a defense at all. I don’t know if they were in the right mind or not but they certainly weren’t acting themselves. They said they had done some drugs which they had been coming down from, they said they might get really angry or something. Maybe this was that? I don’t know though.

Even if it was I don’t think I can ever forgive them again at this point. Knowing me, I probably would though. Ah well, sometimes I’m just too nice to people. And that’s coming from a person as cold and heartless as me. Well, at least according to them.

Seriously though, I think I’ve had it. I do not want to be abused any longer and I’ve given them way too many chances. I can’t worry about it if they think it’s all my fault. They claim they help people through problems and what not but I suppose trying that out on me didn’t work so well. I didn’t ask for their help. I don’t think they’d be capable of helping me anyway. They should deal with their own shit first. I don’t see how lashing out and calling names is very helpful. I don’t really think they were trying to help me though, just push me away.

I think they should stop claiming they’re such a good person and acting as if they have the best motives when they’ve so many times done things which are quite objectionable, including this. Why would you even have to claim those kind of things if it were not true to begin with? I think part of it has to do with society expecting this innocent thing but on the other hand much of it is stuff they brought upon themselves.

I deal with my shit though, because I do care. I can’t say that about everyone though. Even if I haven’t changed in a way they preferred, it doesn’t mean I’m worse off. I don’t think their views of how people should be are very good.

May 17, 2004


Filed under: General — Xero @ 4:18 am

Living in a world with sets of abstract rules. Rules made for our survival and rules that most follow without questioning the reason behind.

Chemical reactions evolved into organisms which all carry out predefined tasks required to survive and reproduce. Work and sex and learning the standards in which society expects and projects upon others.

I don’t see the purpose. What is the purpose of all this? When I look at human behavior and compare it to some bacteria fighting for survival in a petri dish I see little difference. I see the way we’ve adapted technologies to be able to support more of our specie and entertain us while we’re doing nothing.

I see the way most blindly follow. I see the way the world works in a perspective much different from others.

Some people think I’m lost from reality because I don’t obey by all the rules. I say that I’m closer to reality and have seen enough to ask, what’s the point?

What is the point of our existence and the things we do. Why do chemical reactions evolve and form beings? And when they do what’s the difference from when they don’t? What’s the point of following all the rules? What’s the point of doing the things we need to survive? To prevent pain? To prevent feelings our preprogrammed bodies tell us are bad? To let the mind cloud reality? Why survive?

Why benefit ourselves? Just because we’re surviving who says we have to? By blindly following the rules of society it leaves unquestioned the purpose of it all. Most people will just leave that to some silly religious meaning.

What is the point of all this? Is this a waste of time? It’s starting to seem like it as days go by. I’m starting to see. I’m starting to see the patterns of everyone else and realize how pointless it all is. So what happens if I do nothing?

I’ve never truly did nothing. My feeble human body is incapable at the moment. What about when I die? The world still goes on without me. And with that the whole pattern continues and the question still must be asked, why?

I guess chemical reactions will happen no matter what so things will go on. The things we do and say and the jobs we carry out and the miscellaneous events that occur during the day all these things are chemical reactions. Even social events are chemical reactions. They’re the chemical reactions of socialization. A process that was invented from the atomic evolution into material forms which then evolved to be able to create a sub-reaction to further benefit our survival.

And still the question is unanswered. There’s no point. So why do anything? To enjoy it? It still is pointless. I can obey by the rules. I can go get a job and find a girl and have kids and do all the typical events that humans do and I still will ask, what’s the point?

I might experience pleasure and pain and I still will ask, what’s the point? I will never understand the purpose of this weird weird place we live in and at that the universe it just happens to be sitting in.

I’m not confused or afraid, I’m not angry or upset, I’m not happy or sad, I’m not depressed or manic, I’m not any silly rationalization of the fact that I don’t really care about obeying the rules of a system I see no point to. I’m not going to let my words be denied by ignorance.

I don’t care about some silly governments fighting it out, I don’t care to fight for one, I don’t care to benefit any specific group, I don’t care to help the needy, I don’t care to save the planet, I don’t care about the survival of the human race, because I still don’t see the point.

I don’t care enough to be told what I can and can’t do by threats of enforcement agencies and waiting games. What’s the point? The ones who don’t benefit the survival of the human race, or more specifically the group which the individual lives in, get thrown away. We’re chemical reactions fighting it out just like bacteria in a petri dish, and who has the right to tell me that I must also join in on the fighting? Why must I pick a side when both sides are wrong? Who says I have to fight? People who are blind from reality, that’s who. The people who make the rules we obey by. The leaders appointed by humans for humans using more layers of systems and structures that we’ve built. The people who are appointed to lead and/or benefit a specific group of humans, of which almost all are lost from reality.

There’s no point to any of it, it’s all just a silly game to see who ends up the victor in a fight for survival and then in the end the sun burns out and we’re all trashed and the process repeats all over again in some distant galaxy far away.The only point anyone can ever come up with is some silly point which is only beneficial to the human race, and at that, what’s the point? What does it matter if we’re here or not, other than some selfish desire or instinct? Can you say things are better or worse with or without us? And at that you have to realize better and worse are just silly things we invented. So there’s no point to that either.

There’s really absolutely no point for me to do anything so if I am going to do something I might as well do what I want to do. I don’t even know what I want to do. What’s the point of doing something? I certainly don’t want to do the stuff other people tell me to do, because that stuff is even more pointless. A flawed system has no point.

I really wish I could truly not care about a damn thing. It’d make all this pointlessness a lot easier to handle. I’m tired of flawed systems. I’m tired of the false reality that others believe in. I may be lost but certainly much less so than the majority.

Don’t tell me what to do if you don’t see what you do.

May 16, 2004


Filed under: General — Xero @ 3:07 am

Superstition. Stuperstition. Superstupid.

By definition it is the fear of the unknown or mysterious. By my definition it is the display of ignorance. By my definition it is admitting to believing in something false.

Superstition, tradition, faith, and beliefs are almost the same thing. Superstition is the blatantly stupid, tradition is the blatantly stupid still followed by many, faith is just admitting you follow the blatantly stupid, and belief is just a lesser faith. That’s how I see it. By definition faith is belief, so I’m not too far off.

The color black. I can tell my grandparents are superstitious about it even though they haven’t said it. It’s pretty funny though. Like the day I moved in the first time my grandpa saw my cat he’s like “you have a black cat” I’m like well he’s got some white on him too. And? I mean who cares? I still can’t believe anyone still believes that bullshit. What if I did the same thing to humans, that’d be fun wouldn’t it?

Go around being like “your skin is black” and then just leave it like that. Eventually I’d be bound to run into someone with vitiligo and it’d be like “well some is white.” I find it so damn hilarious how stupid people were back in the old days. I can’t even imagine what a slave trader must have thought about a black person with vitiligo. That must have screwed with their heads pretty badly.

My grandparents also got uppity because my sister wanted black carpet. Big deal. I had black carpet in my past 2 houses and no one gave a shit. They’re all “we don’t want black carpets in this house!” as if it’d be the end of the world or something. What’s wrong with the color black anyway? Black rules. Even colorblind people can see black, that’s how much it rules.

Black is the supposed absence of color. It’s absence of color is just an interpretation. Most blacks aren’t really that black anyway. Night time isn’t really black. It’s just dark blue. Dark blue and black pretty damn similar but my grandparents don’t seem to care about dark blue. Ah well, ignoramuses. It’s not even something that effects me but that doesn’t matter, when I see stupid it’s enough to bother me. If stupid was a color then I’d be able to see it.

Deformities and other such things obviously influenced much superstition and religion. Superstition is basically turning the unknown into a fear while religion is turning the unknown into a belief system. I’m tired of both. Some people are amazed by technology and progress while sticking to their old methods while others adapt and evolve with the process.

The ones who stick with old while admiring new are usually the type of people who’d fall into superstitions and religions. For they wish not to understand but to keep their mindset while letting the world pass by. Senility often brings this on. One things for sure, I’d never let myself get like that. I’m tired of seeing people so stuck on things. I know I’ve written about it before and I’m finally getting out some details here.

I broke a mirror today. Well actually yesterday but whatever. Yeah, it wasn’t on purpose and it was an unused mirror anyway. I just read that people thought that means you broke your soul. That’s pretty damn funny. I’m starting to think maybe we really did evolve since way back when and not just socially. I mean damn, it’s hard to believe that people were that stupid. People still believe in the whole “god bless you” when you sneeze thing, or more so do it out of tradition then actually knowing what it means. That doesn’t matter though, people don’t really care what the purposes of their traditions were. You can’t reason with illogicality.

Just today I had a laughable argument with my grandma. I was carrying in some somewhat heavy items from my friends truck and she stops me and says something about how I have too much stuff. I said how I had needed my printer and was glad I now had it. She was getting all uppity about me using the word “need.” I’m like sure I don’t need it to survive but it’s not like I’m saying I need something I don’t already have. Then she just proceeds to say the same thing again about how I don’t need it and I respond and say “you don’t need your TV or VCR either.” Those are items which she uses quite frequently, in which she said something like “I’ve earned them” (despite only working 4 years in her life) and then something about how she doesn’t care about my philosophies. Basically what she said was “I’m right and don’t care about what you think” in a slightly less offensive way.

I kinda just pretended it didn’t happen but she had seemed pretty grumpy the whole day until a little later in which she brought me some candy which she had said she didn’t want and seemed in a much better mood. I’m not sure how often this happens with her but the behavior does fill in a few pieces to the puzzle. Now that I’ve read over what I wrote and analyzed my thoughts some it seems almost like she couldn’t stand seeing me happy, or accomplished. I was in a generally good mood at the time, being glad to finally have gotten my printer and some other things here.

Why do people get so picky about words? I keep running into this more than ever. First it’s when you’re little and learn the words fuck, ass, and shit. Then later it’s over using the word hate and need. I’m tired of all that crap. It’s one thing when a word is being used instead of another and displays a person putting something off to when it’s used in the way it was meant to be.

So if I can’t say I needed my printer, what should I have said, that I wanted it? The definition of need is to be in want of. To hate is just to dislike intensely. I mean exaggeration is way too common in language and most should be able to easily recognize when something is being used to mean something else. It’s basic communication. To insist upon using a certain set of words is just basically leaving the other set unused when it’s in the case of words that mean the same damn thing.

My grandparents think I have too many things. I could very well say the same thing about them. I mean, they literally have 3 bedrooms, with large closets and multiple drawer units, full of clothing and shoes. Is this not a lot? So when I switched my grandmas statement around on her she gets offended. Why? She can’t take what she dishes. And I know proving someone a hypocrite doesn’t make them right or wrong but if they can’t defend against it then they really have no right to be in a hypocritical situation. If they flat out said, I know and wish for you not to do what I do, fine, that’s understandable, as long as there’s a valid reason for it. That isn’t the case though. It’s pure hypocrisy in the worst form.

I can so easily defend against most of their attacks but I try not to get into arguments with them. I don’t give up very easily and don’t get angry very quickly. This angers others. It’s basically when it turns abusive or when I’m trying to help and am treated badly for it, that’s mainly what gets me angry. It’s pretty uncommon for me to react with physical violence. It feels weird.

I do know how angry people can get in response to me. I think the fact that I can remain calm and resilient to attacks is enough to piss people off to pretty great extents. I do have a large amount of patience and that’s understandable. My experience with waiting is matched by few. I’m actually feeling pretty good at the moment despite my situation. I’m finally almost finished my part of the move. Now my mom and sister will be moving here and that will be double this amount of work, if not more. 2 bedrooms to empty, 2 peoples stuff to move in, and many decorative and large nonfunctional items. Not to mention large amounts of clothing.

I’m really starting to get sickened by clothing. I remember someone telling me fashion was an art. So be it, it’s an art form I hate. Let’s all run around naked like the bald monkeys we are. I’m tired of this whole “feeling personalized” bullshit. That reminds me, I learned that my one uncle who’s basically a doctor watches MTV with a passion. The world is starting to scare me.

And no, it’s not some fear of getting a job or having to work or the other things that people tend to project on me as being afraid of. It’s more like me starting to realize just how much the spectrum of stupidity scales.

If there were any jobs that required stupid detection and elimination I’d be set. Then again maybe fixing other peoples computers is close enough.

May 11, 2004


Filed under: General — Xero @ 5:53 am

Leaving someone behind is never easy.

I can’t get to bed because I keep thinking of my father and the friend I just decided to leave. As I said before death is very similar to ending a friendship except it’s more permanent. One hurts a bit more than the other of course but that’s not to say both don’t suck.

I don’t think they really understood why I decided to leave. I don’t hate them, I just can’t really help them. I feel I have nothing to offer and when I try to help I end up getting hurt. Why put myself through that? They don’t even want help, they say they are fine. I don’t really believe that.

Sure there’s the good times and what not but when there’s these constant bothers it’s no wonder that things just weren’t working. I mean damn not many people get like 5 posts written about them in here within 2 months or so, it’s obvious that I cared about them. I don’t suppose they’ll ever understand. They couldn’t even understand my perspective.

I don’t want to be hated or the situation rationalized. I don’t want to be made out to be some bad person trying to change other people into some splitting image of me. It’s not like that, I don’t want to change anyone, just help them. That’s not to say I wouldn’t mind some changes. I’d probably give them a million chances, sometimes I’m just too nice to people, scarily enough.

I came into it expecting change, not requesting. And change there was but as I said previously the root of the problems still existed and like any weed you must destroy the root if you want to eliminate the problem. They don’t even see it though, I tried my best to show them. I tried saying to view it my way but it failed.

I can’t stand trust issues and all this bullshit about betrayal. Bad influences and events have deeply effected some peoples way of life and it’s so much damage I can’t even fathom how to undo it all. Of course in their eyes they’re the one that’s right. I really can’t worry about that now though. All I do know is that I can take control of my own actions and I won’t make the same mistakes.

Their last words were an attempt to give me a guilt trip, for what reason I don’t know. They quickly signed off afterwards. I hate that. I can’t even defend myself that way or try to explain, but I doubt they’d understand anyway. I’m not going to feel guilty though, it’d be playing into the same personality problems that are the same reason I left.

I can’t stand this crap. I don’t know if they think this is easy for me or something because it’s not. I can’t really worry about what other people think though. Now I have one more thing to overcome. I wish this shit was easier. I’m so stressed out these past few days and all this crap going on with grandparents and what not while I seem normal and am not too bothered by everything once my brain starts to go into idle all this stuff around me starts to emerge.

I have to think about the reason why I’m now living with my grandparents and temptations of false hope are everywhere. I won’t let myself fall to that level though, I’m pretty much incapable of it. It’s so easy to be diluted by the ways of others though. It’s too easy in fact. Once shit hits the fan anything other than the truth sounds good.

I can’t do that to myself though, I can’t deny what’s going on or try to excuse it with false hopes. I must deal with the people around me and the losses I suffer. I must put up with the fact that people will probably go along doing the same things I disagree with even after I’ve gone. I couldn’t even put up with that while I was still friends with them.

I still care though and more than they’d wish to believe. Of course it’s easier dumbing it down and making me out to be some untrustworthy asshole who’s trying to change you then it is to actually deal with a severe trust issue. I don’t have to put up with that stuff anymore though. It’s gone.

I still wish things had turned out better but in the end it was the same thing all over again.

May 10, 2004

pissing contest

Filed under: General — Xero @ 2:41 pm

I’m tired of writing about other people, seriously. The only times I write about other people is when I’m pissed off at them. That’s boring.

Yes, people piss me off because they are not me. I don’t piss me off because I’m just so damn cool. You piss me off though.

If there was something that pissed me off the most it’d be you. If there was someone I enjoyed pissing off it’d be you. I piss everyone off and therefore everyone is pissed at me. And I’m pissed at them. In fact there’s so much piss lying around that it’s acting like a magnifier and now I can see through the yellow shade of piss to an enlarged version of your face with a yellow tint, which I am also pissed at.

You know what, this is stupid. Let’s just make a few things clear.

I hate people, especially when I’m pissed off at them. When someone pisses me off more, the more I hate them. So let’s just get a few things clear.

When confronted with a troublesome statement do you either:

a. avoid me (piss me off)
b. get angry at me (piss me off)
c. talk about it (doesn’t piss me off)
d. become masochistic (piss me off)
e. change the topic (piss me off)
f. start talking about how bad your childhood was (piss me off)
g. pick at the words I used (piss me off)
h. act as if you don’t understand (piss me off)
i. pick at unimportant details irrelevant to the statement (piss me off)
j. act as if false hopes will right your wrongs (piss me off)
k. try to physically attack me (piss me off)
l. tell all your friends to gang up on me (piss me off)
m. say how your one friend agrees with you therefore you must be right (piss me off)
n. curse at me (piss me off)
o. try to crack into a computer system in revenge (piss me off)
p. rapidly change emotions (piss me off)
q. become paranoid and act as if everything is a secret (piss me off)
r. act as if trust issues make it okay to do things which are wrong (piss me off)
s. apologize (sometimes pisses me off)
t. defend yourself logically (doesn’t piss me off)
u. say I’m not your friend anyway so it doesn’t matter (piss me off)
v. say that I’m a hypocrite with insubstantial proof (piss me off)
w. acting as if being a hypocrite would even make my current statements wrong (piss me off)
x. hold a grudge and act as if some past event means I’m wrong now (piss me off)
y. not be me (piss me off)
z. piss me off (piss me off)

Obviously you can tell if you piss me off or not using this quick list of 26 things you can do. It’s that simple. Most likely you’ve done one of these things at least once but who knows. Some people are stupider than others. Mostly you, because you’re not me, but that’s another story.

So to all the naysayers, you can shove it. If you’re using a method on that list that list that pisses me off even if you are right I’ll just hate you for being such a dumb fuck for using such a stupid method trying to prove it. You won’t see me giving praise just because you were right, or me expecting any when I am.

Achievement is not something to look up to, we all make achievements. Some bad, some good. Getting an ego high over achievements is useless. Lying about an achievement to get an ego high from other peoples responses is even stupider to the point where I can’t even explain how stupid it is.

Once, someone basically admitted to me that they thought I was right but didn’t want to say it because they thought it was feeding some kind of ego high. I laughed because that’s exactly how they are. I guess the golden rule even applies to other peoples stupidities.

Golden rule has it’s limits though. Eye for an eye can’t ever be played out perfectly, let’s not confuse the two anyway. Golden rule doesn’t mean do bad things to others just because someone else did them to you. It means do the things to others that you expect back. People seem to think that it means eye for an eye when it doesn’t.

Not that eye for an eye is a bad method all the time just when people who are using logical fallacies when proving themselves are trying to get revenge it’s not really justified revenge and at that they are just avoiding their problems.

So all I can say is stop pissing me off. It won’t matter anyway because you still won’t be as cool as me. You can still try though, I won’t hate you for it. It won’t give me an ego high because you will never be as cool as me and only I’m cool enough to do that. You can just sit over there in the corner or something.

I secretly don’t really hate you all. The conspiracy has been revealed.

May 9, 2004

Archaic systems.

Filed under: General — Xero @ 2:50 am

Now that I’m living with my grandparents I’m surrounded by archaic systems. Some systems around here work fine, and aren’t really all that archaic, but these certain things that do bother me are things that bother me quite personally as the illogicality of these things is vast.

Manners. This doesn’t matter much any more in the real world but my grandparents basically insist I use a napkin even if I do not get myself dirty. When I said I wasn’t going to get anything on myself, or didn’t need one, they insisted that didn’t matter. This is illogical. If not for prevention of dirt, then for what? It was almost religious.

Which brings me to the next one, religion. My grandpa loves try and sneak religion into the topic when least suspecting. With things like “you can get a bar mitzvah any time in your life you know” or “you should go to synagogue this Friday.” If only I had the guts to show my grandpa one of my writings about religion, he’d probably think I was the devil.

Another one which never came up much until today was that I don’t say “I love you” to people. I responded saying that I don’t like to throw around the “L” word and explained how what it means is family compassion, or sex, depending on the context. He said it was bullshit before I even finished. It’s weird how some people’s belief in love is almost like their belief in religion. They treat it blindly like religion and throw around words without ever explaining what they mean or providing any proof.

All I ever get when it comes to proof of love is that “you’ll know when it happens” and “It’ll happen someday” and “It’s something you can’t control” among other things. Family compassion is more obvious and well, while I care about family more then I do some random person off the street, don’t push your luck. I’m not as compassionate as most people are.

I’m so far convinced that love is the biggest load of crap and is just part of the societal expectation of reproduction and survival of the race at this point that I just want to shoot the next person who mentions the word in the head with a .44 magnum.

Oh yeah, that’s reminds me of another thing my grandpa loves to bug me about. “Someday you’ll meet a nice jewish girl and this and that will change” with this and that usually being something about eating habits, physical appearance, or personal hygiene. All things which I don’t care about that much and only do the absolute minimum I can get away with in a particular situation.

And who says I want to date people? And at that, why do they have to be jewish? As if I’d give a shit. I mean damn, fuck too many jews and where’s the gene diversity? Being surrounded by old traditions really gets to me, as I don’t stick to anything when it comes to ideas and philosophies. Seeing people so stuck on things pisses me off, especially when it’s people that I’m trying not to hate.

During that same conversation, me not saying “god bless you” when people sneeze was brought up. I don’t even have to explain this one do I? I must seem like the anti-christ to him. Or maybe that should be anti-moses?

It’s mainly my grandpa bothering me at this point, while my grandma does have some expectations of me most of them are reasonable and not so damn illogical. There’s a certain way they like things done around here and most of which aren’t really any more trouble than what I’d be doing anyway. Some things are, but only when they make no sense does it piss me off.

There’s a high paranoia around here with locking doors and security, I guess with good reason – they almost got robbed once. The alarm system saved the day, which they still have, and have upgraded over the years. It seems some of the paranoia is just part of my grandma’s personality but it’s something that, while slightly illogical at times, doesn’t bother me that much, as I’m one to keep my room door locked most of the time. More because I hate people busting into my room whenever they feel like it then it is over fear.

All and all I don’t mind living here that much but the things my grandpa tries to push on me and the comments he makes can be quite annoying. He made a comment like “we’ll change him” or something like that which had to be the easiest way to ensure he fails. I still don’t think he grasps that I’m not like most people and in fact differ greatly. Most of my cousins and other such relatives around my age are pretty average people doing pretty average things. Those are his other grandchildren. I’m not them. If I’m living here he’ll have to live with me just as much as I’ll have to live with him. He can hold his archaic viewpoints as long as he’s not pushing them on me.

I don’t have time to waste time on other people and the past few days living here it seems that my time has gone by faster than ever. I’m not sure why but I’ve been unable to do many of the things I like and keep up with my schedules as there’s still some minor chaos going on around here. Things are settling down but I doubt the nagging will anytime soon, which might delay settling down further.

The last thing I could think of was the whole getting a job thing, which my grandpa has apparently told every single relative of mine about and now they all proceed to bother me with it. With bother usually being trying to help. I mean, he’s got good intentions and is trying to use his connections to get me a job and all but he doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not ready to make that kind of commitment to anything right now. I’m not just being greedy.

I’m really starting to get pissed off about this one. Today I said I’d rather be working a desk job and not dealing with people so much and my grandpa seemed surprised. He’s been in the automotive business all his life and dealt with people a lot. It must be hard for him to see why I don’t like dealing with people, I don’t suppose he understands how I can’t really associate that well with people who aren’t on or around the same level as me. Some people would say I’m too picky but I dismiss that as it’s not my fault that other people are so damn illogical.

My grandpa has always been a pretty social guy always participating in communities and money drives and other things like that. I on the other hand tend to see the worst in people. I get to know people and realize that there’s no way I can like them. I can’t leave people as just associates. It doesn’t work. My social instincts are quick and my brain usually just says “stay away” before it even gets to a point of bother.

I try to be friendly sometimes, I really do, but in the end I will always seem different and never really fit in. I don’t have a problem with this, as long as no one’s trying to force me to be social, which obviously won’t work and when it’s happened in the past it lead to many problems. School is a prime example of this. I don’t have the time to be mocked and made fun of. I can so easily put most of those kind of people in their place but I’d rather not even attempt to because I don’t want to deal with people I don’t like.

I’ve been pushed into seclusion by other people. I won’t stay in seclusion because of that though. I’ll stay in it because now I realize I don’t want to know those people anyway. I’ll come out of my hole when I have to but when I don’t I’m perfectly content with myself.

That’s another thing, why do people have a problem with me not trying to be happy all the time? When I make any mention of that people instantly think I’m depressed. Like as if a neutral state of being isn’t possible, I must be either happy or sad all the time because those are the only valid emotions some average persons psychological knowledge acknowledges. Sorry, I’m not going to be happy (or say I am) to make someone happy. Although it really wouldn’t make them happy, it’d just acknowledge their limited knowledge as being correct, which I’m not going to do. No wonder people think I’m always trying to be right.

I don’t agree with people to make things easier. I won’t even tell little fibs or white lies. Of the times I have recently (twice in past 2 years) they were just to get out of being social. When it’s over something that has to do with logic or flawed philosophies you won’t ever see me back down from the challenge.

I don’t like to be bothered unless it’s an absolute emergency. If it’s something petty, just keep it to yourself. You’ll have no luck pushing petty methods on me.

May 5, 2004

Well then

Filed under: General — Xero @ 12:13 am

I wrote I didn’t have the time before and well I spent the time anyway. I tried something and it didn’t work.

In the end the result was changes happened but not the kind I had expected. This is pretty normal from my experience in returning to ex-friends. The root of all the previous problems still exists and now causes new ones. I don’t really have the time to deal with other peoples problems and I’m not going to let other peoples problems piss me off or what not. Let’s get the analysis started.

The claims of hating all humans is just a way to avoid saying they hate themselves, usually caused from anger, probably due to underlying depression from insecurities about themselves. Their claims of having no friends is just relevant to the deeply seeded problems with trust. The paranoid-delusional claims of everyone around them being against them is probably due to constant misinterpretation of motives due to the non-trust and also the fact that they are insecure about themselves and tend to lash out in anger (confusion) instead of dealing with things. This also leads to many secrets being built up which causes more confusion in conversations and the inability to tell a full story, just clouded fragments emerge.

I think I’m too direct about things sometimes and this sometimes doesn’t help as it may lead to more confusion and end up with them being mad at me. I’m not perfect though and I really can’t do much about that but that doesn’t mean that when I try to help that I’m trying to purposely anger them. Their anger that results from my relatively innocent comments is most likely because they are in denial of one of their problems.

Their claims of good intentions while doing something with bad ones is just hiding a larger problem which is a compulsive need to mock or put down others, usually in internet chats where they can feel more secure as the contact is so indirect, in return, they always claim everyone is mocking them or somehow trying to put them down. The constant rationalization of their social behaviors like this seems very antisocial. Usually it’s rationalized as revenge or righting the wrongs and so forth but most of the time it’s something they themselves caused and just didn’t want to face up to the consequences.

Claims of being better than the rest are far from true in any person, though claims of being different are certainly true. Taking pride in thinking you’re better than most people is not something I look for in friends. In a world where everyone is fighting for survival everyone is indeed selfish but to so greatly take that out of proportion in their case is just a way to avoid dealing with the issue at hand.

When I ask what the purpose of their behaviors are, particularly ones which I disagreed with, I’m now made out to be an enemy, instead of just someone who is concerned about them. I can’t take this abuse and I really don’t know how to help them. I might have to put this to an end.

May 3, 2004

I don’t have the time.

Filed under: General — Xero @ 1:27 am

I don’t have the time to wait around for other people right now but I do anyway.

I’m not very dependable. I rarely get anything done unless I have some incentive and/or easy exposure to the task at hand. I can’t read peoples minds and they can’t read mine.

A friend said that someone who could read minds would be their biggest fear. For me it’d be something that makes everything a whole lot easier. If people could read my mind I wouldn’t have all this bullshit over misunderstandings all the time.

Well actually it’s just one person really and I’m sure you know who you are. I’m tired of assumptions. I can’t continue a friendship in which nothing is made clear. I can’t continue a friendship with no trust. I can’t continue a friendship in which I’m misunderstood and lashed out against.

It’s not all my fault, that’s too easy. If everything was my fault I could just rely on that as a defense against people saying it’s my fault. If everything is my fault it’d just cancel out or something. That’d be kind of neat actually. If everything I said is wrong I could just keep saying things until the only things left were the things that are right, which I’d be unable to say.

It’s kind of like how I only say the things I don’t like most of the time which then leaves the things I do like remaining. I’m tired of all this confusion. I have too much going on already to worry about this crap. I have to be up in 8 hours or so to start moving to my grandparents house. I’m going to end up getting no sleep at all if I keep this up. I can’t wait forever for other people. At the same time, they were thinking the same thing about me.

More misunderstandings yet again. I’m tired.

I’m still waiting.

May 2, 2004

desire and pain

Filed under: General — Xero @ 4:30 am

I know most of you know about the death of my father by now so let’s cut the bullshit and get to the point.

I think out of everything the most annoying thing of all other than the fact he’s dead is the way other people act. Which includes how other people changed their expectations of me. Now that I’m moving into my grandparents house not a day goes by that people don’t mention something about me getting a job.

Sorry but I’m not going to be drastically changing my lifestyle in a day and at that I’m not going to change it for anyone other than myself. I was at my aunts house today and people are asking me if I wanted to come over and then someone interjects with something like “well if you have a job maybe you can’t.” I’m tired of this shit being projected onto me. I’m not getting a job right now, and I’m not getting a job in a month, or probably even the month after that.

If anyone really has a problem with it then they can just deal with it or kick me out of their house or do whatever they want but the fact of the matter is I’m not doing anything right now except the things I want to do because if I follow all these other peoples expectations I’d go insane.

I don’t want to hear about how successful some family members think I will be and I’m tired of people acting like they suddenly know me a lot better just because of this situation. While I’ve probably had to deal with my grandparents a lot more than ever before these past few months I’ve tried avoiding them as much as possible to be honest as all they ever talk to me about is doing them favors.

My grandma seemed delirious, talking about spirits or some crap and everyones got their own little false hope thing going on about afterlife or what not. I don’t need to rely on that bullshit. Part of my coping is getting over the fact that his personality, or consciousness, his mental being is no longer there. Not believing it’s still there but in some other form. False hope gets me no where.

His personality is still there in my mind, but his body is gone, and with it his mind. I suppose I have my regrets. I could have been nicer to him at some points but it’s too late to be worrying about that shit. He’s not alive to be able to care anyway. Someone said to me that he asked for me right before he died or something. I don’t know why anyone told me that. It’s a guilt trip waiting to happen and to honest that seems to be most peoples way of dealing with this shit.

Guilt trips piss me off and I’m tired of them. This get a job bullshit is just more guilt trip bullshit to be honest. When people barely know me and expect things of me that makes them personally happy but does shit for me, I get really pissed off. I hear shit like family has to stick together all the time from my maternal grandfather but that sure is hard when you’re completely insensitive to other peoples wishes and just project your own desires onto them.

I’m not preparing to go jump into work right after this crap. In fact it’ll probably take me a few months before I even consider making more changes on top of the already drastic ones which are going on. People need to just back the fuck off or I’m really going to explode on someone. And it won’t be pretty.

It’s illogical at this point to regret things as I can’t go back in time and change things so what I really have to cope with is basically very similar to a friendship ending. No longer talking to the person and with occasional reminders of them popping up every once in a while. Only this person is now impossible to reconnect with ever again.

My parents weren’t ever super close with me but they weren’t all that distant either. Some people seem to think me and my dad were real close, and while we were close, we weren’t super close. Most of my time is spent in my room and that’s how it’s always been. Occasionally we’d do stuff together but more than anything I am just angered of peoples assumptions and the things people try to say to comfort me. It doesn’t work at all and so far everyones misunderstood me so badly I can’t even attempt to correct them.

It’s easier to just try and avoid everyone but that doesn’t work that well as people will just approach me anyway. Ah well seems I’m already back to my regular self. People piss me off no matter what the occasion.

So to all the people who care about me but don’t understand me, leave me alone, I’m fine. You keep pestering me and you might drive me criminally insane. I’ll talk about this stuff with people who really do understand.

Emotions are something I’m pretty good at dealing with. Other people are not.

May 1, 2004

Away message.

Filed under: General — Xero @ 5:25 am

I’m sure many of you reading this have done this, as I know many people who do it. I myself, never have, and don’t ever plan to, as I hate the idea entirely. You know, the golden rule applies and all, I’m not going to do it to other people and I don’t expect people to do it to me either.

Of course, I wouldn’t know if anyone has done it to me specifically as the whole idea is over abusing a system of away notification. Yes, people who put on away messages when they aren’t away. You know who you are. You do it all the time, I know so many people who do it. Of course when they’re talking to me at the time I know they’re not doing it to avoid me specifically but the fact that they do it even if not to avoid me is annoying.

So why can’t you people just tell the person or people you’re trying to avoid to go away? Is that so hard? Or do you think it’s easier to just lie than to explain yourself? Well hey it’s your mind not mine so I’m not the one being stupid.

Seriously people, what’s the point of this? Do you think the other person won’t understand? Do you not have the guts? What’s the mental deficiency you people have that makes it easier to lie on an away notification system than to admit not wanting to be available all the time to someone.

Oh sure, maybe you got in a fight with someone and are trying to avoid that, or some other silly avoidance. Deal with it. I don’t want to see your god damn away message on if you’re not away, it’s not my fault you have some stupid problem with someone or only feel like chatting to certain people. It’s your problem, because obviously you people aren’t dealing with something that should be dealt with.

Don’t think this is personally against anyone – it’s not. You’d be surprised how many people do this shit. I wonder if people get the idea of doing it from one another?

To be honest, I don’t even like the idea of away messages. If I’m going away, I sign off. When I go idle, I have an away message that comes on automatically, and you’ll probably see it most when I’m watching TV, as I put my monitor into DPMS power off mode which activates my screen saver which sends the idle signal to my instant messaging client, putting me in idle mode, away mode, and saving power, all at once.

You people are inefficient at online communication. You don’t live up to my standards. I hate you.

Okay not really but come on people, what the hell? People aren’t that hard to deal with, but you’ll make it a lot harder to deal with me when I’m gouging out your eyeballs with a spoon.

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