Xero's other waste of space

December 31, 2002

new years

Filed under: General — Xero @ 8:52 pm

It’s almost new years and this has got to be the most boring new years I’ve ever had. There’s just about nothing to do and honestly I don’t care that much about it being a new year. I mean, what if we had designed some other calender system and used that and new years was on some other day? What if on that system there wasn’t even such thing as a day to celebrate new years on?

Just another tradition…I suppose I was expecting something more. I can remember exactly what I did this time last year in fact the same thing many people do. Drugs. Everyone parties, alcohol and all your favorites. Well I feel no need to do that. I know that when I do drugs when I’m bored I still would be bored but I’d forget that I had been bored once the effects wore off. There for I would be thinking they helped cure the boredom which then further promotes doing them.

It’s a trap that’s easily escapable. Right before I quit I decided that I should make note of what I was doing before, while, and after. After a few times the pattern was obvious: I was doing the same exact thing and forgetting the while, and feeling pain in the aftereffects. The answer was clear at this point, it was useless. The euphoria slowly turns into pain. Despite it all, I still have nothing against drugs. I think that people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies. Anyhow it’s just silly material, who cares? Materialistic capitalist societies care.

Well what can I do? I dislike the way most of america is. I almost said I dislike the way the world is but then I remembered not every country is like america in fact many aren’t but have to abide by america’s laws or treaties, if they don’t they could be labeled terrorists!! Oh no!

If I started a country it would be many independent community ran governments. Only law would be don’t interfere with anyone else’s community. You pick your community and can leave it at will. It seems that this way everyone would be able to fit in, they get to choose to be with people like them, or people that aren’t like them. Each community has it’s own rules and they’re decided by the community itself. And if someone doesn’t like any of the other ones, they can start their own, or just talk to no one and live alone in no community. At least it seemed like a good idea.

In reality I don’t think I’d really want to run a country. I could say yes or no to a few laws but I know for a fact that not everyone will agree which is why I like the community idea because that way everyone has a place where they can agree with others. I don’t think the country as a whole would really have anyone running it or need it. I just came up with all this now so it seems kind of silly, it doesn’t seem like it’d work. It seems like people would end up in wars so you’d need some kind of central thing controlling it. In the end it would probably end up as bad as the US. A federal government then a bunch of states. Decentralizing but keeping the peace would be the main issue. Seems to be a problem the real world hasn’t tackled yet either.

What can I do about any of this anyway? Not much unless I magically came up with a solution to all of it. Most people are very materialistic in this country. I mean, to have everyone in your community or what not they’d have to move into their little community town. In america, no way! They’d rather live on some california beach or some fancy ass place. It’s the whole class thing. All the rich people would essentially have to give it up – it would create equality. It sounds like I’m taking communism and capitalism and slapping them together.

I’m not a big fan of intellectual property. If you don’t want something to be copied then don’t give it to anyone. Either benefit yourself or benefit everyone but don’t benefit yourself by trying to charge everyone else. Protecting property you don’t want anyone else to have should be your own job, but no, the media bought out politicians pass laws saying otherwise, like the DMCA.

I was going to say “america is going downhill” but that’s really a hard thing to say considering the way it really is. We go downhill, bomb some country, take oil, money, resources, make it seem like we’re the good guys by showing it all on TV and of course the obligatory showing of some planes dropping food to the innocent civilians caught in the middle of it all and bam life goes on and america remains it’s arrogant imperialistic self.

Recently people close to me started to get to know me more. They seem to be surprised by my opinions of this type of stuff. A person and their friends used to say I was too political but considering who they were I take that with a grain of salt. They wouldn’t accept me for who I was anyway so their opinions mean little.

I am a little less bored as I write this, it seems to pass the time. I guess you could say I even enjoy it sometimes. Too bad not everyone enjoys what I say. Too good to be true. I started to notice that when bored I look for certain things. First I usually check AIM then I start checking a few webpages. Communication with other people seems to definitely help boredom. Right now, though, not many people are online to talk to. I am running out of things to say here I think. I’m getting kind of tired. I should go to bed before 12:00 so I don’t have to hear the countdown bullshit. I never go to bed that early but maybe I should just out of spite.

I’ll probably end up watching the discovery channel or something like normal. Then I have to suffer the pain of commercials. I seem to run into things that make me bored with everything I do. I wonder what would happen if I stopped doing things. I don’t think that’s possible. Okay I’m just talking out my ass now I’m going to stop typing I have nothing to say anymore.

December 26, 2002

family poo

Filed under: General — Xero @ 7:17 pm

I’m starting to get a bit angry at some things…mainly things my moms been angry about for a while but I haven’t started noticing them until recently. My dad and sister are absolute slobs. Not only this but I was never taught to clean up after myself or anything like that but I do, unlike my sister. My dad leaves newspapers all over the kitchen tables. My sister leaves empty food packaging and such all over it too, so when it’s time to eat the table is covered in garbage.

They’re too lazy to throw anything out. I mean literally my sister left the empty box to some hot pockets on top of the counter with the trashcan right under it. It’s ridiculous. It makes me wonder if it was really my fault when I used to hoard things or if it was my parents not teaching me how to deal with trash. My mom and I do not usually leave trash laying around.

Not only this but my dad and sister love to blame it on other people. I go to my dad “why is this empty box here on the counter?” And the response? “I thought you left it there” Then he says something like if it’s so bad then I should clean it up. First of all, my sister should have thrown it out as she was the one who left it there, second it shouldn’t be anyone else’s responsibility to clean up after someone else, I mean it’s not like they’re unable to. My mom ends up having to clean up after them and it’s no wonder shes starting to go crazy over it. I would too.

Another example of blaming it on other people is this time where my sister wanted me to install the drivers for a webcam. I say okay, and so we search for the disk. We can’t find it and she goes “maybe you took it so I don’t loose it” or something like that. A few months later (this was like a week ago) I see the disk laying in her room. She had lost it and apparently found it. I don’t want to hear anyone blaming anyone, if everyone did their part in cleaning up and keeping neat no one would need to blame anyone because it would already be done.

I’m not one to claim self sufficiency or anything but this is just crazy. I’m also not to happy about the food I eat. I was never really taught how to cook and what I do know is not much. I want to eat more vegetables but typically the only vegetables are from TV dinners, or microwaved ones. Plus, the time for making dinner has been reduced now that my mom works. My dad always makes up an excuse he’s either busy or watching TV on the big screen in the basement.

He spends a shitload of time in the theater in the basement, it’s quite sad. I can’t stand being in that room, it’s completely full with cigarette smoke it actually hurts my eyes when I go in there because it’s so full of smoke. It’s also very hot and also humid and combined with the smoke it’s absolutely terrible. I’m sure my dads used to it though I mean he’s always in there the terrible conditions are probably fine to him. People always ask me if I watch movies in there a lot and they’re usually surprised to hear my dad is usually in there all the time. I guess I’m not that much better being in my room all the time but at least it’s not hot and full with smoke that burns your eyes and a complete mess on top of it all.

I wish I could get a job and move out and make the things the way I want them to be. That’s easier said then done. I suppose someday it I will be able to at least I hope so. In the mean time I wish the conditions here were a bit better. There needs to be a group effort and as of now my sister and dad do not seem to care. Only time will tell what happens I suppose.

December 25, 2002

educate the christians day.

Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:21 pm

So, it’s christmas, or as I’ve been calling it…educate the christians day. I mean come on. It’s been what 2002 years and theres still been no proof of any of this shit? So what, Jesus comes up to some jews and says “hey we don’t go anywhere when we die so we must all be going to hell!” and all that without any proof that there even is such a place. Jesus was delusional. And then theres the whole thing about the resurrection bullshit which theres also no proof of other then what the book says. You know, it’s about time people stop believing everything they read. Books can lie as well as TV you know. That’s just the icing on the cake though, I mean look what people did to this very minor event.

Now there’s trees, tons of songs, presents, days off from working, media frenzy, sales everywhere of course, and of course Santa and his 12 deer that fly which I don’t know where the fuck that came from or what it has to do with some delusional guy dying but okay let’s just pretend it’s a special day and do all this stuff just because everyone else who’s christian does!

I remember once I somehow convinced some catholic school girl that religion was bullshit and like a few months later I ran into her. I had no idea who they were until they told me I had ruined their life because their friends at the religious school stopped liking her for not believing. What a joke. I mean common, that’s just pathetic.

Of course theres sales at stores, you know despite the items at stores supposedly being on sale, I honestly doubt it. I’m pretty sure they probably end up making a shit load more money with the sale then without, why else have the sale? It’s amazing how some people don’t realize this stuff. Some even deny it. That’s normal though, ignorant humans.

So we’re back at this ignorance thing again. Then I look at what I’m talking about, christmas, and religion. A bit ironic. Religion is pretty much based upon ignorance. Most people who are religious, I can ask them…What if the book is wrong? And they’ll respond with “What if it’s right?” Then I’ll gladly burn, is my response. Anyway it’s a pretty ignorant thing to say “What if it’s right?” considering theres no facts that it is other then the book itself but theres many things explaining things that religion once was used to explain, and this is evident from history itself. As truths were learned, religions adapted. It won’t be too long until we either a. understand everything so well that the religion argument is even more ridiculous then it already is, or b. the whole entire race goes extinct.

A few people have told me…Oh without religion, what would happen to morals? There would be chaos! As if laws haven’t replaced the moral system anyhow. Look at the past, when churchs were governments, and ruled the countries and what not, scientists used to be killed for proving them wrong. Now that there’s a government that allows any religion and isn’t exactly a religious government, what need is there for morals? The law the government lays down is in effect replacing those morals. I’ve never been a big fan of morals anyway – I may not like something but theres a difference between not liking something and prohibiting/socially rejecting something that’s not liked.

Then there’s manners which is a whole different story. My manners or whatever you want to call those things you’re supposed to do, are probably terrible to most peoples standards. The funny thing is though, I can do nothing at all and piss people off. Someone sneezes. I don’t say “god bless you.” Someone walks in the door, I don’t say hello right away. I might not eat my food the same way other people do. Why do these things even matter? It’s just silly, and many morals and manners are based off those type of things. What’s the difference between morals and manners anyhow? They seem like the same thing but inversed. Morals are things you’re not supposed to do and manners are things you’re supposed to do. In the end, socially accepted policies.

So back to christmas itself. It’s funny because my spell checker is turning red every time I say christmas because it’s like a special word or some shit. I’m lowercasing it incorrectly out of spite. Anyhow, trees, santa, deer, and christmas lights, especially christmas lights. I mean what are these things supposed to be anyway? Remember how before I talked about my jewish relatives turning hanukkah essentially into a christmas with 8 candles? Well the christmas I’m talking about in the first place isn’t even anything to do with jesus’s death. It’s stuff people made up after the fact.

So essentially, in December, the officially selected end of the year and holiday month, is essentially a time to do a bunch of weird traditions all because of some religion. I mean why not just have everyones take off the month of December. In fact they should just rename December to HolidayMonth or something like that.

Oh yeah…christmas lights. What the hell? I mean, neighbors like compete to have the best lights and crap. It’s crazy how much neighbors compete over useless shit, landscaping, cars, pets, I could go on forever. So everyone puts out tons of lights and according to the rules of social competition whoever has the most has the biggest dick. In reality though, it’s the exact opposite. It’s ridiculous what some people do and where did the idea even come from? I don’t know but it seems pointless. I want to get a bunch of red lights and some wood and build a big pentagram and wrap it with lights just out of spite and see what happens. I bet people would get all pissy but by doing so they’d have given into my evil plans to piss them off.

The christmas tree is just as bad as the lights. It’s not exactly competing with neighbors as it’s inside but they’re usually wrapped in lights and covered with silly little ornaments and what not. Plus, it’s useless killing of trees so when global warming comes around and bites you in the ass I can blame it on you for cutting down all those trees on christmas.

So anyway…I saw some show once it was saying how people with problems get seasonally depressed at this time of year or something, because they see other people happy or some shit…Anyway just about none of my friends believe in religion so I don’t really see anyone happy, in fact it just gives me and my friends an excuse to make fun of it all. So me, depressed? Naw, excited! I get to educate the christians!

So you could say “oh you’re just saying that because you’re all all depressed. You suck you dirty ex-jew who’s going to hell” and then I can steal all your presents and piss down your chimney and claim I’m santa claus.

Holiday fun time songs!!
Adolf the red nosed raindeer
had a very shiny nose
and when you die of cancer
you can blame it’s UV glow!

Jinglebells jinglebells jingle all the way
oh what fun it is to ride, your grandma as a sleigh

and new from (insert your favorite pop band here)

Deck the halls with TNT…
listen to the school kids scream..
blame it on games and teeveee
ignorance is the keyy!!
fala la la laaa la la la laaa..

December 17, 2002


Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:12 pm

Boredom is something that I don’t like. Recently well actually for the past few weeks or so, I’ve been watching TV when I’m bored, and though the discovery channel and all the channels they own (animal planet, science channel, TLC) are very interesting it gets boring although, right now I’m watching emergency vets. I like this show because it’s got animals and doctors but they’re not operating on people so it’s not as annoying to me. I was thinking “hmm maybe I should be a vet” then laughed at it. Me? Yeah 8 years of schooling! There goes that idea.

So recently I had the realization as someone called it. Realizing that one day I will need to work and have a job and what not. Then I started to think of how right now I’m heading in the exact opposite direction. So when the time comes I’m likely to end up either insane, living with my parents still, or turning everything around. I doubt I’d end up homeless. I don’t know what to do right now. I set goals but I do nothing to achieve them. So I suppose my continued existence does nothing to help the human race. Then again, maybe that’s what I wanted. How many people’s jobs actually help people?

With capitalism most peoples jobs are just to manipulate people to try and get them to buy things. I recently read this article by Ben Stein, the actor/lawyer/economist http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=64&e=3&u=/fo/20021213/bs_fo/2002_12_how_to_ruin_american_enterprise and it pretty much summed up exactly how I feel about capitalism. And despite it, it doesn’t change anything, in fact it just gives me more of an excuse to sit here and complain about capitalism. Well is that really a bad thing? To abide by it, I give into the flaws. To not, it makes it harder for me. I always managed to do little work causing more pain but still getting by. Maybe I wanted the pain or maybe I never saw it the other way so I am just falling deeper and deeper into a trap. Maybe I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about again. Maybe it’s that capitalism doesn’t benefit people like me. Maybe capitalism benefits the selfless media drone that you’re average teenager is. If America keeps this up, expect it to be all downhill.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing in this anymore because recently I’ve had nothing to write about. I’m tired of feeling so trapped on this planet. I don’t want to do what I always do but I’m too lazy to do anything else. I write about the same thing in different perspectives. I think about the same thing in different perspectives. It’s amazing that I write here because when I went to school I used to hate writing things. I always have memories of school and I question how clear those memories are. Most aren’t good ones. My final days in school were covered in paranoia due to my own stupidity. That wasn’t a good year. I don’t suppose this year was much better. It’s amazing how time flies yet it’s so short at the same time. When I look back it was not that long ago but when I’m in the process of doing it it seems forever but that’s only when I’m doing things I don’t like, or when I’m bored which brings me back to what I started off with.

So recently when I’ve been bored I’ve been doing things that I don’t really want to do but they help time fly. That’s normal though. So what have I accomplished? Well maybe the understanding of that, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s not going to mean that tomorrow all my problems will be solved so now what? I don’t know. I could do things I want to accomplish but I end up getting bored from those because they take a long time to accomplish so in the end I’m stuck in a loop. Instant gratification! Mental stimulation. I’m slowly dying and so are you. What’s to accomplish? Death. Oh wait I’m supposed to enjoy life before then. I guess I’m screwed. That’s giving up though. Why should that even matter? It’s nothing new.

I’m getting bored of being bored. I’ve been bored of that too.

December 8, 2002

mind torture

Filed under: General — Xero @ 8:10 pm

Some people must really have nothing better to do with their life. I suppose you could say “Oh you’d be one to talk” but you know I may have my own problems but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t people worse then me. Using a second alias to start shit with people so they can backstab and or get information. This is what I have to go through thanks to meeting someone I wish I never met. I’m pretty sure about the second alias at least.

Of course they’d never admit it, why would they? It’s not like they’d admit anything because they just won’t tell you enough so you could try to verify it. I tell them things I already told them before as they try to get new information out of me under this alias. They want to know my friends and what not…pretty odd. Then I have to consider what happened. Suspiciously, a few people with relation to that person start trying to start up relations with a friend of mine. Quite odd huh?

I talked to my friend about it they tell me their views on it and they told me exactly what was on my mind, so I trusted they’d handle the situation properly. And so far so good. But this person…why? What did I do to them? Or maybe it’s what I didn’t do? Maybe all that time when I thought I was depending on them it was a mutual thing. Maybe now that they see I no longer care about them that’s it’s driven them through the roof. Maybe they feel the need to contact me even if it’s not using their primary internet alias.

You know, I’m tired of seeing the internet used as an excuse to avoid the real world. Even I’m guilty of that. Just a year or ago or so I quit using a program designed to create a fake world online. Can you imagine? The internet is now showing it’s true face to me. Communication? Yes. Look what’s missing though. All the micro-emotion involved with lying. All the bullshit signals you get from people in real life. You know, now that I’ve used the internet so much, it’s improved my bullshit signals from just speech alone, so when I see the emotional along with it, I can almost read through some people.

I got used to people lying, backstabbing, and bullshitting. You know, some people just suck. I don’t think discussing that same thing over and over with someone is really going to solve a world-wide multi-generation problem. I recently read that talking about something over and over while getting the same result is a form of insanity. I think that about sums up a few people I’ve known. Some people need to get over themselves, or maybe, learn about themselves so they can realise how irrational they’re being.

You know, recently I’ve actually felt I knew who I was for once. For the first time in my life I communicated with someone and didn’t really care what the result would be. I took a risk. On the internet, communication involves no risks. I’ve gotten away with calling people fucking idiots as if it was an everyday thing. You can fuck with people if you wish, and I’ve known people who have done so. It just proves how insecure they were about themselves. People just communicating in a chat, perhaps they’re not communicating about the most intelligent things in the world but they’re not doing anything bad, but this person just HAS to fuck it up. It’s like an instinct to them. So maybe they’re smart and can talk about things considered more intelligent. Big deal, it doesn’t make those people talking about less-smart things any better or worse.

I’m noticing that most people I know who I thought were smart, weren’t really smart in the ways that matter. Infact I felt I had to be smart in those areas too, because those people would try to make me feel inferior. I wanted to be like them. If only I knew then what I now know. Maybe they’re a programmer. Maybe they’re just good with computers or electronics or whatever, but when you’re insecure about yourself and you’re social skills are lacking your knowledge means nothing to someone who’s looking to hire someone, or someone looking for a friend. I have friends that aren’t really intelligent and ones that are but someone who just puts you down and blames you for everything is not really a friend. You could say, oh maybe that’s mutual. I suppose it very well could be if they were trying to make you be like them as much as possible. I can’t remember ever doing it to them though, they always managed to blame me. It’s not my fault for being who I am.

You know, I’m sure someone will read this and think I’m talking about them. And maybe I am, if it happens to be you. Either way it doesn’t matter. I know for a fact the person I am talking about doesn’t want to change. They like to take advantage of people, and since it’s never failed them they will most likely continue to do so. And it’s sure a sad thing too, because they really had potential as a friend, or so it seemed.

December 3, 2002

presents for peasents

Filed under: General — Xero @ 2:09 pm

So, I saw the new bond movie. It was a bit overdone and recycled but I didn’t think it was too bad. The invisible car was just silly, they said it was based off LEP (light emitting polymers) and cameras. It’s sort of possible but first LEP is not completed yet, and then the fact that it wouldn’t work even close to as good as they made it in the movie, which was obviously done with special effects.

The bad guy has a giant laser in space, a total ripoff of Goldeneye, which I’d consider a better bond movie than Die Another Day, but oh well. Afterwards we went out to dinner and it was good. We get home and it happens to be present time. I get a cd, infact it’s my mom’s favorite band. No big deal right? I listen to it and it’s actually pretty good, but before I listened, something happened. I broke down. I don’t know why, but it happened once before. I felt as if I wasn’t going to listen to it or as if it was going to go to waste.

This happened once before…I got that Mach 3 Turbo razor and I had a Mach 3 already, not realizing that the turbo is the same damn thing with a new blade. I should have just got the blades but I didn’t know it wasn’t any different. I felt terrible that whole day over it and it didn’t even matter. I needed new blades anyway, so what I wasted like 3 dollars. It’s not that the money wasted mattered to me that didn’t even occur. I just couldn’t get over it. I ended up talking to my mom about it asking her which one she liked better and in the end I just forgot about it, it didn’t matter.

Anyway after I broke down I asked my mom if she wanted the cd, this was before even really listening to it, I told her I was going to rip it so it didn’t matter but I think I just wanted to get rid of it, I don’t know why to perhaps avoid me feeling so bad over it. Anyway she wanted me to rip it first (she didn’t entirely understand what I meant so I just basically said to copy it, which is pretty much what it is.) So I ripped it and in fact I’m listening to it now. CDs are a pain anyhow, my cd player is all full so it’s easier to just have the MP3s anyhow.

So I’m pretty much over it now but that doesn’t mean what happened didn’t happen so I’m trying to figure out why that happened. I’m thinking maybe I felt it was going to waste, or something? I don’t know but I hadn’t felt that way since I used to hoard things when I was much younger… Odd how now I’m feeling the same thing about the exact opposite.

I just ask for money on the holidays it’s much easier but my mom insists on buying me “stocking stuffers” (we have these stupid stockings in fact mine has a pikachu on it, ok kind of scary but I was like 12 when it was made.) So we have these stocking things (which is a christian thing anyway and my family is jewish) and that’s where all the presents are. It’s funny how my family not just my close family but my aunts and such too turn hanukkah essentially into a christmas with 8 candles. My aunt even has a hanukkah tree. What a joke.

I hate traditions and this seems to just continue that hatred. Some other bad traditions are: diamonds, holidays (all, including new years), marriage, religion, capitalism, and reproduction. There for it’s time for you all to simultaneously commit suicide. Or not. Let me continue on some of these traditions.

Diamonds. Women love them, but when you tell them that 12 starving africans had to suffer just to dig them out of a mine, what do women think about that? Most think it’s terrible, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting this “precious” gem. It’s only precious because it takes an arm and a leg to get them. Why do people even wear jewelry? Oh fashion! Oh yes what a necessary practice.

I never cared about my appearance much. I still don’t. It doesn’t matter. You watch TV and movies and you see these fake women. They give people false expectations of what to expect in non-anorexic-model men/women. So then what? People try like hell to imitate these models. Why? Oh well, I guess that’s their problem right? It’s funny how one’s problem can be because of society itself giving people bad ideas.

Me? My problem is exactly the opposite. I don’t accept society at all. Why should I anyhow? I’ve seen both sides and I get screwed either way. It’s bullshit. Maybe the world doesn’t have place for people like me. Or maybe I don’t want it to. Nah… That’s not it. If it was I’d not try to change it, but I do.

If anyone thinks I want the world the way it is then they’re very wrong. I don’t want the world to be this way. I don’t want people being manipulated by TV. I don’t want people having false hopes. I don’t want to see the world the way it is but I have to, and since I do, I cannot live in it the way most people do and feel comfortable.

Some people may think I like helping people, because I help people solve their problems. The uneducated would think it’s because I like to help people, but that’s not it. I could care less about helping people. When somethings broken I like to mess with it until it’s fixed. That’s what I like to do. That’s what I will do. Even if I don’t succeed at least I tried.

And of course someone disagrees with me. A demon in a mask, I once thought. Try to control me? You’re dealing with a rabid raccoon. You’ll be the one being controlled in the end, but not by me, by trying to control me.

I’m concluding this now. I’ve written more then I thought I would be able to but it sure as hell feels good. Take that, rabid one.

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