republican horoscopes
Aries:
You just know that some day you’ll be rich and/or famous. Play the lotto again this weekend. You’ll need that 1%er tax break you voted for after you win it. Forgot about that higher sales tax they also had to put in place to cover for it. The rich, like you, can afford it; unlike those lowly middle class and poor. Don’t actually try to better yourself or learn anything new. You will be better off at the same job you’re at now because it’s safe and comfortable.
Taurus:
Make a sale today for 500% profit. Tell the person you had it on commission from that you only sold it for 200% profit instead, and complain about how it sat around too long. You know that person you sold it to couldn’t really afford it anyway, but it doesn’t matter. Go to church this Sunday and gossip with your social club. A little bit of holier than thou makes up for the people you just screwed.
Gemini:
Demand respect from someone. Twice. It doesn’t matter who, an employee, a child, relative, anyone who you can place in position of inferiority to yourself. If they don’t give it, or say you’re not worthy of it, tell them again how you’re their elder, and that they will realize the mistake they made when they get older.
Cancer:
Get into a political facebook argument and don’t listen to anything the other side says. When they’ve finished making their point, hit them back with something like “you know the rapture is coming anyway, so I’ll pray for you”
Leo:
Today, you will water cooler gossip about how vaccines are a scam and how the holocaust was an “exaggeration.” Later on, you will meet up with your church social group, and you learn a few stories from your church buddies about how standing under ladders is unlucky, there’s even a passage in the bible linking back to it! And the number 13 is unlucky, you’ll find a few references to this as well in the good book! Later on, repeat these stories inappropriately to your coworkers. They definitely will want to know about it.
Virgo:
Lie to someone today, your friends are also liars so it won’t matter. Be a hypocrite. Do things in private you don’t publically support. Have a restroom affair; it’s wide stance time.
Libra:
Teach your child the wonderful lessons in life you’ve learned about people that are a different race or religion from yourself. They are all clearly inferior and should be go back to their own countries. Why are these liberals staying in america anyway, if they have such a problem with our american values? Teach your child to tell a liberal or minority to go back to their home country whenever they confront one.
Scorpio:
Join a pyramid scheme. Start an email mailing list. Try to get all your friends and family to join as well. They can afford the thousands of dollars for the various overpriced membership discounts we provide, right? Plus, I get a cut, so it’s going to a good cause right?
Sagittarius:
Talk about how christians and free speech are being repressed, because you aren’t able to get away with being a racist bigot in public anymore. Hate speech is free speech too, and you feel you have the right to say whatever you want where-ever you want and to whomever, even in a public place of business. Turn away some gay people at a public venue. Can’t have them around trying to turn our children, can we? Us god-fearing republican christians are clearly the ones being repressed here!
Capricorn:
Protest an abortion clinic today. Teach your daughters to be subservient to men. Sharia law, what’s that? We’ve got christian law. Honor thy father. Spare the rod. You know the right thing to do. Make her not understand her own body or rights, she’s just a woman, like your wife, men are the head of the household.
Aquarius:
Defend a company that has caused horrible pollution and poisoned entire communities. Later, deny global warming and give a presentation about how it’s not actually happening based on irrelevant facts and broken logic. No real facts are actually involved anyway, just convincing talk and prepared speeches. The more it seems like it’s some kind of secret or conspiracy, the better. We want people to think they’re getting “in the know” information. You’re good at lying, right?
Pisces:
You know what kind of person you are! An honest, hard working american! Go out there and vote for Donald Trump! He supports the values we hold so dearly.