Xero's other waste of space

August 20, 2002

I wish I were a cat

Filed under: General — Xero @ 12:28 am

I wish I were as happy and playful as my kitten is. I am kinda depressed now for the first time in a while. I was reminded of the past again. No panic attack as of yet…but I hate when this happens. I’m stuck in a thought that isn’t worth thinking about. I hope writing this doesn’t further it. I’m not sure what to do. I feel kind of euphoric again…okay what the fuck I am like tricking myself into thinking shit to write here…I am indeed depressed and stuck in a thought and all but I was about to write something that I didn’t mean.

I’m thinking of things and basically was about to write them without really agreeing with the thought yet. Why does the past piss me off so much? Probably because I don’t remember it and my mind makes up the missing pieces of my memory, but it always does it in a bad way. Why? It sometimes is as bad as I make it out to be but only very occasionally. The way some people are, just the thought of it annoys me. Mainly thinking of someone who thought they could understand everyone…as if the world and mind is so simple…What’s the point anyway? All they ever did was try to manipulate people and lead them into an oblivion of contradictions. Ha, as if their own judgment was any better then anyone else’s.

I myself have tried to understand other people a few times with failure – it’s not possible to truly understand anyone. Or maybe I just don’t understand myself? How is that even possible though, to understand yourself? Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Sometimes when I write about these things I see them in myself, but I’m never really sure if I am correct or not. I’m going to list a few times I’ve thought I saw something in myself but wasn’t sure. First one is from this post, amazingly.

1. All they ever did was try to manipulate people and lead them into an oblivion of contradictions. Ha, as if their own judgment was any better then anyone else’s.

I talked about some of my opinions with them, but I only persisted because they persisted. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. I’m not sure who’s fault this is, because if they had let it go, none of it would have happened. I have known 2 people who do this, them, and their “friend.” The funny thing is the same would happen the other way around, if they stated their opinion and I disagreed they’d argue it with me. So I suppose it was like an oblivion of contradictions. I always thought this was their fault though, as this never happened with anyone else but them, but wasn’t I just as bad by continuing it? Then again, they wouldn’t let it stop until they won. I never won with them. I suppose they constantly raised their ego while hurting others. Why didn’t I notice this? I’m not sure.

2. believing in bullshit and stuck in constant denial.

well, I suppose this ones a bit explanatory, if I am indeed making up pieces of memory in bad ways I would indeed, believe in it and deny anything else. Though, I can think of times when this wouldn’t be true about my memory, but it’s valid sometimes, I think? The post this was from (on the 16th of July) was about the same person as this post is. Strange, I suppose? I guess I question whether I was right or wrong about that person, or maybe the reason why I’m so stuck on it is because both of us were wrong? Then who was right?

Well the “friendship” ended indirectly but their accusations were entirely incorrect, that’s according to the 3rd person involved at least. So I’m not really sure. It’s another situation where I got caught in the middle. It’s hard to lay the blame on anyone I suppose. One is still my friend, one isn’t. So I was screwed in the end, which always happens in those situations. Then again, my friend was screwed in that one too because they don’t talk to my friend any longer either, so if both of us were screwed then who’s fault was it really? I had trusted the one person more then the other and that is the person I ended up staying friends with. Even so, the person I trusted less, had been telling both of us 2 different stories. Unless the person I trusted was lying, of course, which could change the whole thing. I think that the person who isn’t our friends anymore wanted a reason to hate me and my friend, a reason to no longer talk to us, and lied to us and them self to get it. Otherwise, they’d probably have talked to me again to at least verify what they were thinking. Instead, they assumed. They’d done things like it before. Ignorance is bliss huh? That’s what they once told me, but I say bullshit, you can deny it to everyone else but you cannot deny it to yourself because the truth will always be there. You’d just be a coward in the end. Something they seemed deeply against. Ah, hypocrite.

Imagine someone who you can talk to one minute and be their best friend. Then the next minute they’re constantly degrading you. Pointing out your flaws. Funny because I do that too. Maybe we had similarities and the things that I hated most about that person were the things I also did. Which reminds me of something someone told me in a comment (in response to my post about how people are fake and piss me off.) I was thinking, I never point out anyones flaws unless they start complaining to me, funny because they did the same thing to me. Thing is, I never did it to them, but I do it to other people. Why didn’t I do it to them? Probably because they were very concealed. Paranoid maybe? Then again so am I. Why do I look at this other person and only see myself? It must be because the things I hate the most were our similarities. I guess maybe I do hate myself. I’m still confused and its been months since this happened. Why hate the entire human race? It’s so much easier just to hate just one person. Yourself.

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