Xero's other waste of space

December 8, 2002

mind torture

Filed under: General — Xero @ 8:10 pm

Some people must really have nothing better to do with their life. I suppose you could say “Oh you’d be one to talk” but you know I may have my own problems but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t people worse then me. Using a second alias to start shit with people so they can backstab and or get information. This is what I have to go through thanks to meeting someone I wish I never met. I’m pretty sure about the second alias at least.

Of course they’d never admit it, why would they? It’s not like they’d admit anything because they just won’t tell you enough so you could try to verify it. I tell them things I already told them before as they try to get new information out of me under this alias. They want to know my friends and what not…pretty odd. Then I have to consider what happened. Suspiciously, a few people with relation to that person start trying to start up relations with a friend of mine. Quite odd huh?

I talked to my friend about it they tell me their views on it and they told me exactly what was on my mind, so I trusted they’d handle the situation properly. And so far so good. But this person…why? What did I do to them? Or maybe it’s what I didn’t do? Maybe all that time when I thought I was depending on them it was a mutual thing. Maybe now that they see I no longer care about them that’s it’s driven them through the roof. Maybe they feel the need to contact me even if it’s not using their primary internet alias.

You know, I’m tired of seeing the internet used as an excuse to avoid the real world. Even I’m guilty of that. Just a year or ago or so I quit using a program designed to create a fake world online. Can you imagine? The internet is now showing it’s true face to me. Communication? Yes. Look what’s missing though. All the micro-emotion involved with lying. All the bullshit signals you get from people in real life. You know, now that I’ve used the internet so much, it’s improved my bullshit signals from just speech alone, so when I see the emotional along with it, I can almost read through some people.

I got used to people lying, backstabbing, and bullshitting. You know, some people just suck. I don’t think discussing that same thing over and over with someone is really going to solve a world-wide multi-generation problem. I recently read that talking about something over and over while getting the same result is a form of insanity. I think that about sums up a few people I’ve known. Some people need to get over themselves, or maybe, learn about themselves so they can realise how irrational they’re being.

You know, recently I’ve actually felt I knew who I was for once. For the first time in my life I communicated with someone and didn’t really care what the result would be. I took a risk. On the internet, communication involves no risks. I’ve gotten away with calling people fucking idiots as if it was an everyday thing. You can fuck with people if you wish, and I’ve known people who have done so. It just proves how insecure they were about themselves. People just communicating in a chat, perhaps they’re not communicating about the most intelligent things in the world but they’re not doing anything bad, but this person just HAS to fuck it up. It’s like an instinct to them. So maybe they’re smart and can talk about things considered more intelligent. Big deal, it doesn’t make those people talking about less-smart things any better or worse.

I’m noticing that most people I know who I thought were smart, weren’t really smart in the ways that matter. Infact I felt I had to be smart in those areas too, because those people would try to make me feel inferior. I wanted to be like them. If only I knew then what I now know. Maybe they’re a programmer. Maybe they’re just good with computers or electronics or whatever, but when you’re insecure about yourself and you’re social skills are lacking your knowledge means nothing to someone who’s looking to hire someone, or someone looking for a friend. I have friends that aren’t really intelligent and ones that are but someone who just puts you down and blames you for everything is not really a friend. You could say, oh maybe that’s mutual. I suppose it very well could be if they were trying to make you be like them as much as possible. I can’t remember ever doing it to them though, they always managed to blame me. It’s not my fault for being who I am.

You know, I’m sure someone will read this and think I’m talking about them. And maybe I am, if it happens to be you. Either way it doesn’t matter. I know for a fact the person I am talking about doesn’t want to change. They like to take advantage of people, and since it’s never failed them they will most likely continue to do so. And it’s sure a sad thing too, because they really had potential as a friend, or so it seemed.

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