Xero's other waste of space

May 2, 2004

desire and pain

Filed under: General — Xero @ 4:30 am

I know most of you know about the death of my father by now so let’s cut the bullshit and get to the point.

I think out of everything the most annoying thing of all other than the fact he’s dead is the way other people act. Which includes how other people changed their expectations of me. Now that I’m moving into my grandparents house not a day goes by that people don’t mention something about me getting a job.

Sorry but I’m not going to be drastically changing my lifestyle in a day and at that I’m not going to change it for anyone other than myself. I was at my aunts house today and people are asking me if I wanted to come over and then someone interjects with something like “well if you have a job maybe you can’t.” I’m tired of this shit being projected onto me. I’m not getting a job right now, and I’m not getting a job in a month, or probably even the month after that.

If anyone really has a problem with it then they can just deal with it or kick me out of their house or do whatever they want but the fact of the matter is I’m not doing anything right now except the things I want to do because if I follow all these other peoples expectations I’d go insane.

I don’t want to hear about how successful some family members think I will be and I’m tired of people acting like they suddenly know me a lot better just because of this situation. While I’ve probably had to deal with my grandparents a lot more than ever before these past few months I’ve tried avoiding them as much as possible to be honest as all they ever talk to me about is doing them favors.

My grandma seemed delirious, talking about spirits or some crap and everyones got their own little false hope thing going on about afterlife or what not. I don’t need to rely on that bullshit. Part of my coping is getting over the fact that his personality, or consciousness, his mental being is no longer there. Not believing it’s still there but in some other form. False hope gets me no where.

His personality is still there in my mind, but his body is gone, and with it his mind. I suppose I have my regrets. I could have been nicer to him at some points but it’s too late to be worrying about that shit. He’s not alive to be able to care anyway. Someone said to me that he asked for me right before he died or something. I don’t know why anyone told me that. It’s a guilt trip waiting to happen and to honest that seems to be most peoples way of dealing with this shit.

Guilt trips piss me off and I’m tired of them. This get a job bullshit is just more guilt trip bullshit to be honest. When people barely know me and expect things of me that makes them personally happy but does shit for me, I get really pissed off. I hear shit like family has to stick together all the time from my maternal grandfather but that sure is hard when you’re completely insensitive to other peoples wishes and just project your own desires onto them.

I’m not preparing to go jump into work right after this crap. In fact it’ll probably take me a few months before I even consider making more changes on top of the already drastic ones which are going on. People need to just back the fuck off or I’m really going to explode on someone. And it won’t be pretty.

It’s illogical at this point to regret things as I can’t go back in time and change things so what I really have to cope with is basically very similar to a friendship ending. No longer talking to the person and with occasional reminders of them popping up every once in a while. Only this person is now impossible to reconnect with ever again.

My parents weren’t ever super close with me but they weren’t all that distant either. Some people seem to think me and my dad were real close, and while we were close, we weren’t super close. Most of my time is spent in my room and that’s how it’s always been. Occasionally we’d do stuff together but more than anything I am just angered of peoples assumptions and the things people try to say to comfort me. It doesn’t work at all and so far everyones misunderstood me so badly I can’t even attempt to correct them.

It’s easier to just try and avoid everyone but that doesn’t work that well as people will just approach me anyway. Ah well seems I’m already back to my regular self. People piss me off no matter what the occasion.

So to all the people who care about me but don’t understand me, leave me alone, I’m fine. You keep pestering me and you might drive me criminally insane. I’ll talk about this stuff with people who really do understand.

Emotions are something I’m pretty good at dealing with. Other people are not.

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