Xero's other waste of space

May 11, 2004


Filed under: General — Xero @ 5:53 am

Leaving someone behind is never easy.

I can’t get to bed because I keep thinking of my father and the friend I just decided to leave. As I said before death is very similar to ending a friendship except it’s more permanent. One hurts a bit more than the other of course but that’s not to say both don’t suck.

I don’t think they really understood why I decided to leave. I don’t hate them, I just can’t really help them. I feel I have nothing to offer and when I try to help I end up getting hurt. Why put myself through that? They don’t even want help, they say they are fine. I don’t really believe that.

Sure there’s the good times and what not but when there’s these constant bothers it’s no wonder that things just weren’t working. I mean damn not many people get like 5 posts written about them in here within 2 months or so, it’s obvious that I cared about them. I don’t suppose they’ll ever understand. They couldn’t even understand my perspective.

I don’t want to be hated or the situation rationalized. I don’t want to be made out to be some bad person trying to change other people into some splitting image of me. It’s not like that, I don’t want to change anyone, just help them. That’s not to say I wouldn’t mind some changes. I’d probably give them a million chances, sometimes I’m just too nice to people, scarily enough.

I came into it expecting change, not requesting. And change there was but as I said previously the root of the problems still existed and like any weed you must destroy the root if you want to eliminate the problem. They don’t even see it though, I tried my best to show them. I tried saying to view it my way but it failed.

I can’t stand trust issues and all this bullshit about betrayal. Bad influences and events have deeply effected some peoples way of life and it’s so much damage I can’t even fathom how to undo it all. Of course in their eyes they’re the one that’s right. I really can’t worry about that now though. All I do know is that I can take control of my own actions and I won’t make the same mistakes.

Their last words were an attempt to give me a guilt trip, for what reason I don’t know. They quickly signed off afterwards. I hate that. I can’t even defend myself that way or try to explain, but I doubt they’d understand anyway. I’m not going to feel guilty though, it’d be playing into the same personality problems that are the same reason I left.

I can’t stand this crap. I don’t know if they think this is easy for me or something because it’s not. I can’t really worry about what other people think though. Now I have one more thing to overcome. I wish this shit was easier. I’m so stressed out these past few days and all this crap going on with grandparents and what not while I seem normal and am not too bothered by everything once my brain starts to go into idle all this stuff around me starts to emerge.

I have to think about the reason why I’m now living with my grandparents and temptations of false hope are everywhere. I won’t let myself fall to that level though, I’m pretty much incapable of it. It’s so easy to be diluted by the ways of others though. It’s too easy in fact. Once shit hits the fan anything other than the truth sounds good.

I can’t do that to myself though, I can’t deny what’s going on or try to excuse it with false hopes. I must deal with the people around me and the losses I suffer. I must put up with the fact that people will probably go along doing the same things I disagree with even after I’ve gone. I couldn’t even put up with that while I was still friends with them.

I still care though and more than they’d wish to believe. Of course it’s easier dumbing it down and making me out to be some untrustworthy asshole who’s trying to change you then it is to actually deal with a severe trust issue. I don’t have to put up with that stuff anymore though. It’s gone.

I still wish things had turned out better but in the end it was the same thing all over again.

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