Xero's other waste of space

October 14, 2004


Filed under: General — Xero @ 12:45 am

My time seems to go by at a rapid rate. I seem to lose track of time and wonder off into many already discovered avenues. Avenues which I have discovered and decide to take again and again because the result is satisfactory enough to continue doing so.

So anyway I need to start showering and brushing my teeth more in order to prevent numerous disorders. On top of that I probably should exercise. Better diet? Oh yeah, and the whole get a job thing. Do I really want to do any of that? No I’d rather be a brain in a jar…or at least live as if that’s so.

Of course things don’t work out that way so if I keep this up I’m sure to go down the drain physically and mentally. I’ve never been one to commit myself to much and follow through with it, not instantly at least. If you push me enough I’ll do the absolute minimum. Not a very productive way to live I guess…

So what I really need is self-motivation. Instead I usually end up saying to myself “all is lost, it’s too late, somethings wrong with me and I’m going to die.” Which of course isn’t very productive. And when I’m too busy to think about that I’ll usually be wasting countless hours on the computer and not realizing it…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m slightly autistic.

“From early childhood there is severe impairment in communication and social interactions, and actions are often repetitive and unchanging”

That sounds kind of like me…Or maybe I have ADD like everyone used to say, and can’t pay attention to things long enough to complete them? Who knows. What I do know is that by writing this I’m putting off other things I could be doing. Not as if I can’t do them when I’m finished but who knows if that will happen. It’s like I can’t spare 30 minutes of time.

It’s one thing to live every day as your last but to really do that would mean not giving a shit about your health and progressively making every next day your last. After all, if it really was your last day to live, worrying about how healthy you are seems quite pointless. Maybe I take this concept too far? Who knows. What I do know is what I’m doing now is not working all that well and I am not seeing any light at the end of any tunnels.

It’s easy to say things like “bite the bullet and just do it” or what not. It’s a little too far past the point of simple demands though. And even if I do take on a regular schedule of hygiene and fitness I’ll probably not do it long enough to see any results or to form any habits and give up on it, like I have so many times in the past.

Me and the whole instant gratification thing. It’s probably limiting me in more ways than one. Mentally because anything that requires long learning processes will inevitably become boring. Physically because physical results usually take weeks if not months. As for hygiene, it just pisses me off. What the hell is with us humans anyway?

Why do we unlike other animals have to take showers and brush our teeth? And not just once in a while I mean all the time, sometimes numerous times per day. How did that happen? I know that humans basically mastered survival by making almost any habitat survivable but by doing so we made sacrifices and now must participate in hygiene rituals which are really quite boring to me.

At this point though just about everything is becoming boring to me. All I really enjoy at this point is watching tv and my computer, and at that I’m still feeling like somethings missing. Getting a job takes away the time I do have and puts more things into my life which I’d rather not do, and would probably have trouble getting myself to do them accordingly so.

I don’t really know what I plan to do with my life but the more I think about it the more it all seems very pointless. I don’t want to live a life of normalcy, working, eating, sleeping, reproducing, hygiene rituals and what not. It’s not fun the way it is now and that’s with constant leisure. Why would doing things I don’t want to do make it any better?

Is it supposed to make my occasional anxiety go away? Is the desire to make money and reward of actually making it supposed to make this all go away? I don’t really have much desire to do anything though, other then maybe not to miss my tv shows, not miss my comics, or read the occasional news website. Talk occasionally with my friends.

I don’t really care about independence or other such silly concepts. Most people try to use that as a way to motivate me, but you might as well be telling me the sky is falling, you’d probably get more of a response. I have better things to do then hope for the impossible.

What the hell is with this world? Is my perspective of reality really so far off? I don’t think so. I think most people just found some false hope to live for. Maybe they have kids and dedicate their life to that, or maybe they’re greedy and dedicate their life to desire. Maybe they’re a teenager and dedicate themselves to be appealing to their friends and going with the latest trends. I’m sure there’s tons more.

Shit as this point the only reason I can think of to live is my cat. And that’s scaring me a bit. I’m really not enjoying this anymore. Why can’t I do nothing in peace?

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