odd situation
So there’s a bit of an odd situation going on here, it’s hard to explain but it goes something like this:
My sister is little miss princess, she expects everyone to do things for her but uses the little things that she does actually do (such as bringing her laundry down, not actually doing her own laundry) as an excuse. The only real thing she wants is for my mom to drive her places, at her whim.
My mom is a very tense person. A perfectionist and full of hyperactivity. These are traits she most likely picked up from her over controlling parents. She has a busy life, works a full time job, and a social life a bit too large for her to be able to handle given the current situation. The main complaint my sister has is that she’s out to much, because my sister wants her to drive her around, on her demand.
Meanwhile my grandparents think my mom is out too much as well but their only reasoning for it is that they think she should spend more time with us. Now that’s nice and all but I’m 18 and I’d been living pretty much by my self for the last year and a half, on top of the fact I’m not a kid, I don’t need my mom around all the time. They seem to be unable to get over the fact that I am not a kid, and act as if I need to be babied or something. That’s not to say I don’t want to have her around, it’s just my grandparents are being unreasonable. If my mom was around more than she already is it would probably just mean my mom is boring herself out of her mind staying home doing nothing, simply waiting for one of us to ask her for something. We’re all pretty good at self-occupying our time, I don’t really think this is an issue.
Meanwhile my sister flat out admits the only reason she wants my mom around more is to drive her around, but my grandparents still have it stuck in their head that she needs to spend more time with us, which I just don’t agree with. I don’t like when my mom is going out consistently with her dates or whatever she’s doing but only because the fact that she’s very immature in relationships, not because I’d rather be hanging out with her.
I don’t have that much against my mom, she’s going through a lot of shit right now and working her ass off trying to build up enough money to do something about our situation. Meanwhile my grandparents have a serious problem with control. And I think it’s a major part of the reason as to why my mom is always so tense and perfectionist, that’s how her parents are and they are very unreasonable.
I found a page about over-controlling parents a while back and my grandparents fit the bill pretty damn well. And I know it’s not just senility, I’m pretty sure they’ve been this way all their life.
Here’s a quick list that this page gives, which is www.controllingparents.com FYI:
“When you were growing up, your parents…
1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life
2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards
3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them
4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them
5. Violated your privacy
6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you
7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself
8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities
9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others
10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong”
I can tell you right off the bat they are 2 through 10. Probably 1 as well, but I wouldn’t know. I do know that my grandma basically makes a mockery of some of my mom’s childhood issues, which I’d imagine is quite embarrassing to my mom…I recently learned my grandfather wasn’t around very much when my mom was young and it was mainly my grandma. When he was around he was very controlling. Meanwhile my grandma suffers some pretty nasty mood swings from being very nice and sweet to being extremely angry, and it’s quite a bother.
For instance tonight my grandfather takes out beans and hot dogs, and then leaves to go to a social event. He says my grandma would make them, and in reality the only person around to make them would have been me, my mom, or my sister, and my sister would never do it, my mom was busy doing the laundry, and I don’t know how to cook worth crap, so my mom just asks me to pick up some food, which I did. And before I did, my mom went to check on my grandma, to ask if she wanted everything. She’s passed out on the bed like normal only to come down basically as soon as we finish eating, looking extremely grumpy and giving an attitude. No reasoning is applicable, see number 3, 6 and 10. Not good.
Meanwhile there’s a lot of talking behind peoples backs and I find a lot of the decisions that I made with my grandparents about my mom and sisters situation’s end up being very unrealistic so my opinion is always changing sides. Meanwhile my mom knows all about my grandma’s mood swings and tries to avoid her like the plague, which of course just makes my grandma go off even more. It’s not a very good situation and tends to go around in circles. While I don’t want to blame one side or the other I can say that the mood swings and anger are entirely my grandmas issue, it’s when they interact with others that it becomes part of someone else’s problem. I’m still unsure if the mood swings are caused from the insane amounts of medication she takes or not.
I’m writing this to, more than anything, once and for all hold an unbiased opinion on this situation. My sister wants things done at her demand, my grandparents want things done their way on their demand, my mom has trouble making decisions of her own, mainly because of this constant control war she’s stuck in the middle of, and me? I get a lot of heat too from this whole thing. So it does concern me.
More than anything I’m tired of my grandma’s mood swings at this point, because she basically tries to make you feel bad for something which isn’t anyone’s fault. She’ll go off saying everyone is selfish but when it’s 6:00, there’s no food being made, and everyone’s hungry, what the hell are we supposed to do, wait around for her to get out of bed? And if we don’t, then it’s all our fault. Fuck that, I’ll go pick up the food.
I’m not going to drive myself crazy just to please someones illogical expectations. And I do not want to hear bullshit for it, it is not my problem. You know all and all I guess it could be worse, but these issues are not being solved, they’re just nudged away and everyone is afraid to confront them, especially due to the fact we’re in my grandparents house, even if it is their reasoning which is flawed. Of course they will be unwilling to admit this, as I said, see number 10 on the list.
Another thing that hurts this issue is the fact my grandma loves to watch Dr.Phil and other such psychobabble on TV and every time it’s some family issue or what not it’s stretched to make it seem the solution he proposes would work with us, which is funny. The show clearly states the solutions are not for anyone, and if a family therapist examined this situation I’m sure they’d see this is not all my moms fault, which is who all this is currently being blamed on. This just feeds her ego more though, which is the real reason I’ve brought this up.
It’s so easy to blame things on other people, especially when it’s an issue you’ve had for a while, but had no one to confront it.