insignificant significances
So many people who know me know that I have a few internal goals in life, some monetary and some others. I have become sort of distracted from ass-kicking because of my job. I’ve sorta bottomed out there, the most I could be doing is barely more than what I do, and what I do is not that impressive. This is okay in the short term but bad in the long term and eventually the significance of my goals will start to take priority. It’s almost been a year now, and I don’t think I can last another one without some big changes. I just wish it were more to put on a resume. Either way, I will be sticking it out for a bit longer and hopefully they’ll let me do some more.
It’s amusing when a senior employee tells me I should tell one of my many bosses about one of my achievements, telling me it’s something that’s very useful and they should be aware of it and I have to respond and tell them yeah, they probably don’t care, I don’t think they like me, especially after they threatened to fire me the other day. It doesn’t really matter there anyway, I don’t think any amount of knowledge can solve this problem. Plain and simple, some people hate me.
That’s okay, I hate you too. You know I’ve always sort of had a few different sides to myself, there’s my internal thinking side which is usually busy kicking some serious ass, it writes bash scripts while it aborts fetuses and eats beef jerky. It’s also writing this. Then there’s a few different external sides, first there’s my one on one side, this is when I’m talking to someone privately. Then there’s a group one, which varies from nerdy and talkative to shy and avoidant.
In a casual situation, around friends or what not, I’m generally talkative, sometimes overly so, but I generally reveal my true potential. Then there’s a defensive side, this side can make me look bad, since generally I’m too busy trying to think of a defense to really ever get out what I mean, in group situations this usually leads to me just avoiding the situations after a while, this may seem to be shyness in some situations depending if I was ever talkative at all with the group. I feel I’ve quickly taken the defensive with some of my so called “higher-ups.”
This isn’t really such a bad thing in the long term, I don’t plan on sticking around forever. In the short term it could present problems because if I want to get out of there quickly then I need more for my resume in less time. At the same time I feel that in the areas I’m interested in I far surpass most of these higher-ups in actual ability. They seem to have become figureheads and perhaps even lost some ability in the process, or maybe they just never had it. Apparently I’m not an expert in “Customer Service” and you know what, I wasn’t really trying to be anyway. I don’t want to be good at customer service, I don’t like it, I never wanted to be doing it, and I don’t care that you think you’re good at it. I just wish my numbers weren’t showing me as one of the top guys in my divsion. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so bad. Some people think I have a big head, but others have pretty much confirmed my beliefs.
I’ve quickly become friendly with some of the senior employees, I suppose you could call them, basically people who’ve been there for a long time but never got moved into a management position. Infact most of them are the ones who recognize my skill, too bad the management can’t, or maybe they can, but they’d never admit to it so they can keep me at a loss on the issue. If so, fuck them, but let’s not make too many assumptions, they’re probably too busy trying to find insignificant issues to bitch me out about. Let’s just ignore the fact that my numbers were excellent and I know more than most of their employees, there’s gotta be SOMETHING I’m doing wrong. Shit, maybe this entry will be their next target. Hope they don’t find it.
I feel when it comes to computers, now my primary topic of interest I suppose, I feel that to gain my respect, you must first prove yourself. I have given my bosses numerous chances to do so, and I’ve only seen bits and pieces of knowledge, but no complete understandings, and more then anything I’ve seen mistakes, many of them. Maybe it’s just my negative side, I’ve always been one to point out the bad things, but this seems silly, because there’s plenty people there who I can say I have some amount respect for. Too bad none of them are my bosses. There’s really nothing special you have to do to prove yourself, I’m not asking you to go out of the way, it’s really just a matter of demonstrating ability, doesn’t even have to be intentionally. I suppose it’s the whole “to be a hacker you must be granted this title from other hackers” kind of thing. Unfortunately, most of the abilities I see are lackluster and unimpressive to me.
You know I was trying to think of some funny shit to write for this but I must say much of my cynicism has instead been directed at my job. It’s hard to be funny and creative when you’re doing the same thing every single day of your life, no surprises, just stampedes of stupid people asking the same questions over and over again. What was that? Oh yeah, my other personality, the emotionless phone-drone. Don’t bother thinking I’m some nice guy over the phone, I’ve quickly become the stereotypical BOFH. And I hate you.