Xero's other waste of space

October 26, 2014

silicon valley

Filed under: General — Xero @ 9:34 am

The IT world is often made fun of in sitcoms, tv shows, and media. Nerds are everywhere in the media now, and most represent IT culture in some way, shows like the big bang theory proclaim to be about some nerdy physicists but mostly represent stereotypes of the IT world.

In the real world, IT is only so contrastingly funny due to the brain-dysfunction of many involved and the fact that the phonies make themselves so obvious with time. In business, phonies are common and in fact, how many salesmen aren’t some kind of phony in some regard? However, in IT, there is like this sort of differentiating honor between the phonies and the people who actually get stuff done. It’s the hacker creed. I remember people like ESR writing about being a hacker is a title deemed upon you by others, not something you proclaim yourself. However, the phonies clearly never got that memo, and will proclaim themselves gods, if given the power. Where, in any other career path, do you find people that, clearly at some point had some ability to learn, but at some point, just stopped and decided, I’m good, and then proceed to act like they have something to teach everyone, without actually doing anything but stating the obvious.

At some point in your career, did you decide to give up on ever innovating, what-so-ever, to instead simply repeat the same brain spew, over and over. In IT, you will find this all the time at organizations with bad management. If you are afraid of all change, bow in fear at any notion of a challenge, and have given up at trying to do things yourself, as you inevitably find others to do them for you, you may be an IT phony.

And let’s not get into all the bizarro office-culture bullshit, half of which is completely unnecessary. Do watch and note that most of the people who want and insist upon an office environment, typically needlessly filled with people at desks, are the people that would probably die off without them. Many IT jobs can be done from home or with other such provisions, but generally the phony types are afraid of this, since they don’t have the skills to do stuff themselves, it exposes their lack of value, and only in the office environment where they can play politics will they have any chance to survive.

These are the sad truths of the conflicting mentalities in the IT world – the business phonies versus the nerds, and then you’ve got the nerds who have sold out, essentially, to the business phonies, but really have no place in either world. They have essentially made themselves useless to everyone, with the guise of being the bridge between the two. It’s a damn war, pick a side.

The real truth is, many in the phony camp started in the nerdy camp. A lot of these start-up CEO’s were originally nerdy guys, but the business stuff got to their head, and they forgot how to treat people without looking down upon them. Why can’t everyone be a successful startup CEO, must be so easy right? To them, anyone who can’t do what they did is just not worthy, even if what made their success may have come by pure chance or timing. They represented this really well in the hbo show “silicon valley” with the CEO dictating orders from above, casting value judgements on his employees “below” him, even though he doesn’t know them or even really bother to try. It wouldn’t be quite as funny if there wasn’t a horrible truth behind it, if I hadn’t personally seen the same things myself working in IT.

April 10, 2014

TIL #TBT FAMILY PHOTOS, OMG WTF BBQ? Internet, you have gotten lame lately

Filed under: General — Xero @ 11:42 pm

The more people that use the internet, the more it is dragged down by the average intelligence of those who are using it. This isn’t the geeky hacker/yuppy business-man playground it used to be. Now-a-days, it’s just another outlet for instant gratification. Oh, let’s ‘like’ that thing I like! Let’s join that group, or post that hash tag, tweet that 140 character or less pile of drivel.

Now, instead of being part of one particular clique or interest, you can be a part of ALL of them at once! Instantly categorize yourself into many convenient stereotypes at the click of a button. Why choose one, when you can choose all? And then conveniently hash tag it to further categorize your every thought or notion.

Then on top of that, there’s the self-righteousness and self-importance of it all. The average internet dweller of this type is always going to be self-righteous about the things they’ve liked. You’re publicly announcing all this bullshit, are we supposed to be forced to like it too? Oh, it’s the internet, just hit the ban/ignore button, all is made better, right?

If only it were so simple. Now, more than ever, in this age of everyone using the internet, do we see people puff up their egos over the most asinine bullshit. Subjective arguments that get dragged off into nowhere that usually end up in name calling or one person claiming to have trolled the other, thus making them the victor in the argument, clearly. All over asinine drivel that quite honestly, most people should keep to themselves. When did we lose that decency? Did we ever truly have it at all, or is this just the average dregs of humanity making itself more known to me?

It comes from all sides too. Even atheists or people who claim to be open-minded can be just as bigoted and hateful towards others (including each other) as bad as many of the religious zealots they are trying to prove wrong. The hilarious thing is, there will always be someone saying that oh, why is this group so angry and hateful? Meanwhile, another few people on the same group usually joins in and says, oh, not all of us are like that. No, but you grouped yourself in, and now look, it turns out not all people in the group are the same! Quick, we must destroy one side of the argument through overwhelming group consensus before things get out of control!

And thus, in the quest to be individual, with unique likes and interests, instead, we’ve all become sheep, to an even larger and more complex scheme than ever before. We’ve diversified our similarities and divided them into infinity, now it seems like to interact with another person you’ve got to go through some gigantic checklist of bullshit, compare their likes with your own, oh wait, they liked some political thing I don’t like, well fuck them, then.

Everything has to be a cause. I’ve wrote about that before, it ties into this as well. These days, I feel like I rarely meet people who don’t hold some whack job belief or another, or are on some kind of crusade. There’s just too few people left in the world with their heads on straight, it really feels like that at times.

I’ve never been one with all that much faith in humanity anyway, but I feel like the average intelligence and collective intelligence as a whole is just too varied right now, too many people would rather selfishly ruin it for their rest of us, either for a quick laugh or out of fear of eternal spanking, or for a selfishly perceived short-term gain despite any long-term loss for the rest of humanity. If you’re in one of those categories, you’re not really helping the human race any at the moment.

The other problem is the whole attitude that’s it’s just cool to be an asshole on the internet. Oh, I’m one to talk about it right, what with this blog full of my poor attempts at sarcasm and various arrogant rants or what not, it’s almost cliche at this point, however at least I can see that. Some people didn’t get the memo.

And while it can be funny at times, not everyone can be Maddox. First of all, outside the context of satirical writings, acting like that to people in reality is basically just being a douche bag. You can be blatant like Maddox, but then we know it’s a joke anyway, it’s too silly to take seriously. However, some people cross the line into actually hateful, abusive sort of crap and think they can play it cool by saying oh, I’m just the internet prankster, you’ve fallen for it!

Oh, wise and funny internet prankster, you clearly aren’t cliche at all! Try growing a pair and acting the same way in real life, no, you hide behind the keyboard. I think that’s the difference between most of these phonies and myself, you could talk to me about any of this stuff in real life and I’d be just as real about it as I am online, but these people? Forget it, they’re afraid, they’re not risk takers, why else are they hiding behind a mask while they poke fun at others? It’s weakness in disguise, if anything.

It’s making me start to hate social media in general, and in fact, I’m starting to wonder if it wouldn’t hurt to spend a bit less time on the internet in general. While it can be a source of knowledge, it’s also a source of some of the greatest stupidities. Not all ideas are born equally, and most people are not as smart as the internet makes them think they are.

How many people would still be spewing all these bullshit ideas, causes, prejudices, and what not, if it hadn’t come from the media some where? How many people would actually bother to purposely re-invent the wheel, for the sake of seeing if they came to the same conclusion without that outside influence? Or, you can just search for it on google and find some guy on yahoo groups to tell you to go fuck yourself. The end.

February 28, 2014

A million and one tech blogs and other things that no one really truly cares about

Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:21 pm

You know, from the dates of my articles and the overall history of this blog/journal/pile-of-rants/whatever-the-fuck, I think it’s beyond obvious that I’m in this one for the long haul. However, now-a-days, everyone’s a blogger. Many blogs are these “careerist” tech blogs, where technical people start their own blogs and talk about whatever recent problems they encountered as some sort of self-less helping hand to the rest of the world. You’ll probably notice more or less activity on these blogs depending on whether that person is trying to increase their notion of self-worth at the time, such as when finding a new job and/or trying to start another failed endeavor.

I’m a pretty modest person. I don’t fool myself into believing in overachieverism. I understand that most people who are rich just lucked out in one way or another and were likely privileged to begin with. Hard work is truly overrated, and to work smarter, not harder, is almost always better for you mentally in the long run. And fuck anyone who tells you otherwise, as they are miserable with themselves, and are just trying to bring you down, guaranteed.

After all, not everyone will have the confidence or the balls for that approach to life. However, I don’t think it’s nearly as outrageous or risk-taking as all that sounds. I know when I’m comfortable, and when I’m not. I know when shit crosses the line and it’s time to go. Others, no, they wait around until shit hits the fan. It’s about taking control, and perhaps sometimes that means you leave your current job, or you move across the country, or you do whatever else life compels you to do, but it’s not about sitting around writing articles about your great achievements as yet another cog in the system. Your experience as yet another cog in the system does not truly enlighten or otherwise embellish you, your persona, or others, rather it simply shows the gears as they are gradually honed over time…

These things are expected of you, my dear sir! You have only simply done as you were told, and now look, you’ve even learned yourself a lesson from it! How intriguing. The peasants have managed to learn how to do their job better and I didn’t even have to tell them to! Magnificent!

Your self-worth is not measured in experiences and appearances, it’s also how much of yourself you’ve sacrificed to achieve those things. There’s some people who’ve got nothing left behind it all, they walk the walk and talk the talk, but there’s nothing left behind the curtains. Don’t be those people. You can be that cog in the system and still have a notion of self-worth, but once you’ve lost that too, you’re no longer a cog, you’re just someone’s bitch.

You’ll know that this blog has turned into a worthless pile of crap the moment that I try to act like there’s something to be learned from it, or act like there’s some sort of selfless cause to it all. No, there’s nothing to be learned from any of this, rather, all of this should be obvious with the wisdom of time. These are simply my thoughts as time goes by, nothing more, nothing less. There can be no agenda.

February 16, 2014

vigilante justice bigots

Filed under: General — Xero @ 9:15 am

The second amendment is a touchy topic. For idiots. On one hand, the original purpose of the law is pretty much a moot point. The moment the government made bombs, explosives, missiles, fighter jets, ICBMs, and drones, and didn’t let you own them as well, the law has been long since irrelevant. You aren’t going to stand up to all that with just some measly guns, assault rifles mean shit against unmanned drones with bombs. If you were really waging some rebellion against the american government, then it’s not going to come in the form of these weapons, you’ll need something better, and thus, something not legal anyway.

So then, what remains of the second amendment? This notion of self-defense or protection? However, the problem with all the stand your ground/self-defense bullshit laws/arguments is that the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, you wouldn’t be given a death sentence for mugging someone and stealing their wallet, but it’s okay for you to shoot and kill them? I don’t buy it. These people think they are the bearers of justice, modern day vigilantes, who apparently shoot anything that’s black and moves and might be “intimidating” to their bigoted world views.

Where does it end? How can these laws continue to be in effect despite the fact that they disproportionately allow white people to kill minorities and get off scot-free. Or, perhaps to shoot a guy in the movie theater, whose only weapon was a bag of popcorn. I mean, we’ve completely devalued any notion of human life, in favor of the right to own guns? Is that really the message they are trying to send? That’s what it has become, regardless.

These people put the right to own guns above human life, which is hilarious, since they’re probably pro-lifers as well. Human life is so valuable, up until it’s born, after that, guns.

January 18, 2014

Books are for dummies

Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:08 am

Ever feel like some people read books just so they can act like they know more than you? Even if you both fundamentally understand the same concepts in the book regardless of how you learned them?

There’s this elitist nerdy type that is like, “yeah I read 100 books a year, fuck you.” Some people need to justify their own beliefs by reading books. This, expanded, perhaps more detailed knowledge, of the very same exact concepts, somehow makes them more capable of understanding the task at hand.

I feel like this is an attitude that’s formed entirely by educational institutions and the people who worship them. People often talk about nerds, book-nerds, that annoying type of nerd that historically wasn’t all so chic and popular, this is the true face behind that image. It’s the annoying elitist book-nerd that thinks they’re highly educated, because they read lots of books and do well in school, but lack the ability to form their own ideas or opinions without having something in paperback to back it up. Yet they’ll act like they’re intelligent educators, when really they’re just sheepish followers.

They only know how to echo the ideas they read in books, rather than being capable of forming those ideas by themselves, without external influence. They aren’t truly scientific and innovative minds, they are simply pretending to be by repeating the works of those who were.

It’s like, they can’t just have ideas for their own merit, they have to have them because someone else told them it’s so and they can feel better than everyone else for having read something about the concept that the other person hasn’t. It’s like, you can read 50 books about the same topic, but do you really know any more about it after the first few? That’s kind of where books just start to bore me, but for these people, there’s never enough. More is better than you.

January 17, 2014

Escaping Passive-Aggression, Embrace Honesty

Filed under: General — Xero @ 8:37 pm

In all the individuals I know who are passive-aggressive, they’re always the most bottled up people who never express what’s on their mind. In some cases, this is the result of workaholic-overachiever sort of behavior mixed with an overly-opinionated world view and high self-importance, with little confidence to back it up. Due to this, they also wear some of the biggest masks, as the stakes of being called out are that much higher.

It’s a thin-shroud on top of a an ugly surface. It’s the fact that they’re keeping their true shitty opinions to themselves, and only letting you know bits and pieces. The snideness of their aggression being only one of many symptoms of this almost narcissistic level of self-worth. Why should I have to be serious and explain anything to anyone when I can just instead be a sarcastic dick and mentally masturbate over how shitty I think you are and how great I am?

I prefer to be blunt. I know it can upset people sometimes, but on the other hand, I am not an asshole. Oh, I can be mean sometimes, but at heart, I’m an easy going person. If you are a relaxed down to earth person, you will get along just fine with me. You really have to have a pretty shitty character for me to just dick you out, but, that’s pretty much how I go about it. I just ignore passive-aggressive behavior, and people. It drives them crazy because without ever acknowledging their abusive opinion, they can’t follow through. They can’t feel the satisfaction of having just taken a mental jab at you when you ignore it, or even better, take it in jest. Am I being elitist about it? Maybe somewhat, but I don’t tolerate abusers, and neither should you.

There are some people who believe that trying to be bureaucratic and “playing the game” to get on these people’s good sides is worth the effort. I do not believe this at all. I think you’re an enabler if this is your stance. Passive-aggressive behavior can’t just be worked-around like it’s no big deal. It’s subtle abuse. It should not be tolerated.

Being honest isn’t hard, just state the truth. Both what you think is factually true, and what you’re feeling. One and not the other misses the whole picture, and just telling people things without explaining them borders on useless. On the other hand, passive-aggressive attacks/insults are not compassionate or touchy-feely, they’re abusive, unproductive behaviors. They’re empty promises, they’re lies. They’re incomplete pictures on a torn canvas. Don’t listen to this crap, refuse to tolerate it.

January 7, 2014

Short-term selfishness, Long-term ignorance.

Filed under: General — Xero @ 7:58 pm

Current day conservative christian religious bigots are the epitome of short-term selfishness over long-term fear and ignorance. They never add anything new to any conversation because they’re living their life based on a 2000 year old lie. Despite this, they think selfishly in the present and pray for things to get better in the long term. IE: Trickle down economics. They always lose in the end because they’re being manipulated by a religious authority that’s basically stealing their money, but in turn giving them false hope to win the lotto, be a rockstar, win a game show, get some massive promotion, win a free ticket to an eternal afterlife, etc, but really just leaves them helpless and unprepared.

The only thing they seem to look forward to in life is death, followed by their desire of an eternal afterlife, even though they’ll tell you how happy of a life they have now with jesus. The biggest supporter of idolatry is religion itself and the current american values system that often goes along with it. Unwilling to actually take the risks needed to achieve much of anything other then what exists in their extremely narrow and uninformed views of the world, they’re left in a world of ignorance of the highest kind, while they convince themselves they’re doing good by giving these authorities more money and power, and the cycle further continues while more poor and hungry are indoctrinated in the name of food, water, and other essential supplies. Those in worse off conditions are always more inclined to be religious, because they are desperate and any shred of hope to these people means something, even if it ends up being a lie, as long as they get food and the essentials to live, in the short term.

In the long term, they are indoctrinated with fear and lies and are left being unable to truly bring themselves up without the help of others. Rather than the help these people actually need, they’re left in a system just as broken from which they came, a class of social poverty, with “religious welfare.” Yet, religion is supposed to be the good guy in this situation, why, because they received food? Stifle innovation before it can ever happen in these communities by feeding in the red herring of religion, now you’ve got an income stream from the poor!

They will also be the first people to shit on and disagree with government welfare, because it directly challenges the validity of their religious authority, not surprising really. If they aren’t the only ones helping the poor, who can take all the credit? It goes so far that the religious individuals themselves will proclaim they are such do-gooders, practically taking credit for the works of the entire church. They will go on about how they give so many donations, about how we need no welfare from the government, people like them and their religious authority will pick up the slack! It’s like as if they have all convinced themselves they’re millionaires, or will be some day, and their donations now, well that just pales in comparison to what they’ll donate later, surely. Again, short-term selfishness, long term ignorance. Shall I go on some more?

Death. Apocalypse. Afterlife. Sin. Fear. These are all things which don’t need to exist in your life. Some might say death is inevitable, to them I say, why does it need to exist in your life now, when you’re not actually dead yet? Obsession with death and afterlife is a common theme with Christians, because it seems to be ultimately the only reward they ever have for their ignorance. While their short-sighted selfish do-gooding may give them a temporary sense of happiness, they ultimately go back to a pattern of fear, death, sin, repentance, and afterlife.

Other than the religious requirements regarding being religious and following religion and believing in god, I’m probably one of the least “sinful” people I know. I’m generally honest, I hate lying, I keep it real with people, I’m never uptight, I don’t steal, I’m married, what more could you ask for? To the religious, the religion. Why? They’re too weak now to live without it. They live sinful lives, they lie, they cheat, they steal, but it’s cool, they go to church, they repent. They see someone like me living happily and it’s almost an insult to them. It’s like a deep-seeded jealousy mixed with passive-aggressive contempt. It’s usually this which is the true colors of these religious folk, and yet they still think they’re the ones making it into heaven.

The oft-quoted ‘I’ll pray for you’ is the pinnacle of this jealousy and contempt, it is one of the most obvious displays that these people are indeed bigots, and think that they’re better than you. I often can’t help but laugh at their poor attempts of leading honest lives, most of these bigots are the furthest thing from what they think they are. If only they could see themselves from outside of their extremely narrow and uninformed views of the world

They’ve constructed their whole lives upon a sheet of thin ice, the adult equivalent of santa claus, and when you tell them that direct in their face, all they can do is get angry, call you names, and spew more religion, because they really just don’t know any better. They don’t know anything else. They don’t know any other way. Ridicule those who disagree is about what it comes down to in the end, almost no matter what, even if said ridicule is indirect.

The only time it doesn’t end up that way is when you end up in some super philosophical into-the-middle-of-nowhere conversation that sounds more like a hippy on an acid trip than it does a useful conversation about religion. Then, in the end, we all agree on “energy” and everyone is happy again. Yeah, that doesn’t happen with the conservative religious freaks. They do think they’re better than you and they will let you know it, indirectly or not.

October 5, 2013

generic response to a republican’s blog/profile/news

Filed under: General — Xero @ 6:15 pm

I can tell from visiting your shit-storm of a profile/website/blog/article which looks like an over-zealous politically-infested fox-news shrine for the dumb and the gullible, that you are someone who truly believes the government somehow effects your shitty insignificant life in some kind of significant way.

Let me guess, you make less than $100,000? Congratulations. You’re basically middle class or poor. You’re the majority of this country. You will benefit from single-payer health care, social service programs, education, and other such things which you may have been convinced are bad for you and/or somehow giving people a “free-ride.”

Little do you realize that the true effects of much of any of the political discourse you seem to so desire are so far from your overly-simplified self-serving understanding of the world that I don’t even think there’s any true reason to bother having a conversation with you. It’s like as if the government simply stands as an authority that takes your money and nothing more. You live in a box, you are not worldly and informed.

You don’t seem to realize that the reason you are a poor miserable schmuck is that you’ve chosen to be that person. You’ve chosen to be an uneducated ignorant person who literally thinks that removing all the taxes and government programs will somehow mean you now can keep more money for yourself. You’re probably regularly dishonest with yourself and others, to the point where you believe your own lies, yet you probably take great pride in your faith and values, as if almost a slap in the face to the truly caring and good-intentioned.

However, you’re not rich, you’re not motivated. You’ve just got some fantasy in your head that some day you will be and when that day comes, god damnit, hands off government! And in the mean time, you still believe that day will come and your siding with the mega-rich all this time will pay off even though they’ve been basically screwing you in every other way with ideologies of “trickle down” economics and other laughable ideas from the 80s which never worked to begin with. Meanwhile you’ve screwed yourself out of potentially beneficial social programs, which you’ve somehow convinced yourself are going to cost you more, since now you need to help those damn free-loaders, and you know you WILL be that rich guy some day, you’re just not quite sure how yet.

Guess what, you’re not. You won’t be rich because you’re an idiot who doesn’t know crap about how to make money, the very fact you believe in such things prior to actually being rich is more than proof of that. You’re gullible to all the wrong ideologies, applying blind faith into ideology rather than thinking for the whole of humanity. Selfishness, dishonesty, and some kind of illusion that you’re still a good person because you sometimes do seemingly selfless things outside of your busy schedule of being an overall selfish-money-grubbing-asshole who doesn’t actually have any money, just wishes they do.

Do you see understand why you’re a complete idiot to me now? Didn’t think so.

March 28, 2013

I write when I want to, bitch.

Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:30 am

I feel like there’s one thing in life that never goes away and that’s no matter what stage of life, childhood, adulthood, work or school, there’s always propaganda carried out by interested parties in order to attempt to encourage or dissuade certain behaviors. You know me, in my typical spiteful ways I’ll do the opposite, but what if one of those things is writing? Well, I write when I want to, bitch.

That’s right, no one’s ever told me when to write or what to write about. And no one ever will. Fuck you. Writing is not some asset, writing can be the most stupid pile of crap ever, or the best thing in the world, and the same thing might be the complete opposite to some other people.

School would make you think writing is just something you have to know, must learn that alphabets, learn how to read and write, speak, enunciate…and then comes the boring essays, reports, papers, what not. I don’t know about you but that shit was the worst thing in the world to motivate me to write.

Even more so if it’s coming from an employer, in which case it almost seems, odd. Look, I’m not afraid to speak my mind, but sometimes I also prefer not to speak at all. And further more, I speak when I want to. I don’t get why it’s a big deal to speak or give lectures, talks, etc. I’ve done it before, I don’t really think it means anything. There’s some people that just love to hear themselves talk, especially if they’re talking about themselves. And there’s some people who I guess enjoy being lectured to or going to lectures or talks about things. I guess that’s fine. I don’t really enjoy learning this way at all.

Give me the boring table of technical information. I want the manual and some good examples. I don’t need a 200 page book with little personal quips interjected between tons of random white space and whatever. I want practical examples and reference material, the kind of thing which shouldn’t take more than 10 pages in most cases.

Why am I this way? I don’t fucking know. Maybe I’m just a technical freak? I’ve been doing this shit and taming the machines my whole damn life, what do you expect right? I mean I see people who go to college for this shit and struggle through it, but then there’s some people who know enough to be dangerous and then there’s the people who bullshit their way through with whatever knowledge they do have. I am not those people.

I figure shit out. I play with things. I experiment. I learn through necessity, not through convenience. I don’t learn by shoving myself into a room supposedly full of knowledge, I learn from breaking things, creating things, by applying knowledge when the situation necessitates it. Telling me about your experiences is nice, but that doesn’t magically convert into my experience. To retain knowledge, you need to apply it, not just talk about it.

There’s no magical knowledge that someone knows that you don’t or can’t. It’s just a matter of necessity, those people needed to do something and needed to find a way to do it. The experience creates knowledge, the knowledge creates experience. However, without both, you retain neither, and truly have nothing.

October 23, 2012

fuck this boys club

Filed under: General — Xero @ 9:47 pm

fuck the boys club we know as the republican party. Seriously, I’m hardly what I’d call very into politics, and I’m not exactly a hardcore democrat pushing for tons of government in our lives and other bullshit, but on the other hand, I can at least recognize when an entire freaking party is:

a. racist
b. homophobic
c. sexist
d. completely and utterly dishonest to the point where they are basically catering to other dishonest people to vote for them
e. pandering to the morals of the morally bankrupt

I’ve known plenty of people in life, some honest, many others not, and some will stab you in the back as soon as you give them the chance. However, through all my times, I’ve never come across a person who consistently considers themselves a republican and actually lives an honest life. I’ve known sleezy people, liars, backstabbers, people living in a delusion, among others.

I don’t even think it comes down to conservative values, it’s even worse than just that. People who live their lives in total hypocrisy. I mean, in many ways it’s a vote against themselves, but that doesn’t matter because a cheater will vote for the cheater. More and more I start to realize why the amount of people I keep in my life is so limited. This kind of thinking is just unacceptable to me. I just don’t put up with it. I will literally spend any conversation we have from there on out either unbrainwashing you, or unfolding my gradual distance from you at this point.

What I realize is that it’s a boys club. A brotherhood of sorts. My daddy raised us this way, red blooded american ronald reagan american flags and cocaine! I mean, you can’t live in the 80s forever, and plus, Reagan was a piece of shit, basically took good ol blow job Bill Clinton to fix the damage he did…And the cocaine, it’s basically the truth. These kind of people will do drugs, live totally unhealthy lifestyles, cheat on their wives, lie, steal, etc, then vote as if they were conservative saints. Again, it’s the boys club, it’s group think, and it’s not logical.

If you are going to think about politics or what we really should be doing, trust me, giving rich people more money because you’re dumb enough to think you can lie and cheat your way to the top, too, is a poor gamble. Chances are, even if you are successful, you’ll likely STILL not be rich enough for it to have truly made that much of a difference to you. And the majority of them already escape paying most of their taxes via loopholes, so really, it’s all a joke, a show of sorts. A game of control. All it will really end up doing is cost you more money in the interim.

I’m far beyond thinking this is about the troops or service or what not. Look, we need that stuff, but we only need it to protect our way of life, but not to control our way of life and/or impose our way of life on others. If you think voting for more wars or more “service men” is the way to go, just remember what history shows about the greedy. We already have the largest military by a large enough extent that it’s scary.

– The hypocrisy of voting based on your religious beliefs: I’d much prefer atheist candidates on both parties. Guess I’m screwed.
– The hypocrisy of voting for someone who is clearly trying to take us into a war with Iran, while claiming you believe in the stories of peace-loving hippy jesus who would never have been down with such a thing.
– The hypocrisy of men who when talking about abortion issues all the sudden become mr.touchy-feely and tell heartbreaking stories. Really guys? It’s almost always the same guys (or women) who turn around and act like mr.tough-guy/militant bitch at any other moment in life. So now’s the time to own up and drop the act, either act like a pussy all the time, or start killing some babies.
– The hypocrisy of an entire party that thinks we can lower taxes when the country is in debt, but we’ll make up for it by cutting actually-useful services that are costing us barely anything, instead of the gigantic military budget consuming the majority of it.
– The hypocrisy of “supporting the troops” by creating more wars or more military. This isn’t really supporting the troops, this is supporting american imperialism.
– The hypocrisy of trickle-down-economics and ronald reagan. He began digging the hole we’re in now, rich people haven’t been giving any money back at all, they’ve been stockpiling. The truth is, there’s less money to go around and more overall debt because of his policies. It doesn’t matter if you think one day you’ll be one of the money-stockpilers, the fact is, you won’t be, and in the mean time you have helped say “fuck you” to everyone around you as well.
– The hypocrisy of not supporting universal healthcare and abolishing our corrupt medical system. No other country in the world is medicine so much about making money rather than saving lives. What kind of honest and morally-upstanding citizen would really vote against healthcare for all?

There’s some people who just think others need to be told what to do and whatever they say goes. This is usually imposed by fear and punishment. If you think this is how our government should work too, your life is probably already fucked. You were probably bought up by over-controlling parents and never escaped, now you’re just stuck in stockholm syndrome and have begun to enjoy your abusers.

What else? I don’t know. I’m done. I don’t have to justify this shit to anyone, but it’s in words now at least. Fuck the brotherhood of ignorance. This is the real world, why are people putting up with group think and stupidity?

October 21, 2012

living in your own reality

Filed under: General — Xero @ 9:14 am

Sometimes people live in another world. Like literally, their entire life is a completely different world from yours. Different people with different opinions and they’re just immersed in it all. I guess this is not a surprise for many, but the thing one must realize is that just because of this fact, something to one person may mean a completely different thing to you.

However, and also because of this, you might be lulled by the confidence they have in their opinions, despite it all being based upon a completely false reality. I’m the kind of person who likes to smash other’s realities. I don’t often find people who can smash mine. I’ve done a lot of brain exploration and what not in my days. If this blog isn’t a testament to that, what is?

I think I’ve got a lot more realistic expectations of things at this point. We’ve all got our problems, but some people are so deluded that their problem lies on the very basis of their reality, rather than on any particular opinion. I think my biggest thing at this point is lack of focus on any particular thing, as I attempt to do all of the things. I also choose not to have the largest social life in the world at this point, as I find the amount of people who I get along with on that kind of level is limited.

It’s funny, as some people consider me outgoing these days, but I still internalize a lot, so I don’t really know if I truly consider myself that way. I think many people make the mistake of only interpreting the person you are to them, rather than the person you are to everyone else. I also think it gives me an automatic upper hand on people who live externally to a fault, as those people are generally blinded by trying to fit in with the group around them for approval and even sacrifice themselves in order to appear as if they get along with people they don’t truly like.

That can be almost puzzling to me at times. Why pretend to enjoy someone, they will just keep coming back? If you were real to them, you would have just lost their attention and they’d move on. Being fake is never really beneficial to achieving much of anything. Maybe some ruse of popularity or likability at best, but I’m not dumb enough to fall for that kind of crap. What is wrong with some people? Why must we maintain false realities? We’re just maintaining the groupthink and false sense of brotherhood.

I immediately think of religion, evangelicals, the bible belt, republicans, politicians, business men, irish catholic stereotypes, so on and so forth.

I will never help you maintain a false reality. I will not participate in groupthink and/or brotherhood/secret society type of behavior. I recognize true comradely and not just a facade of regalia. We have large institutions that are corrupting this country, they’re called religion, they’re called police, they’re called corporations, thought control, the idea that the government should be telling you what’s right and wrong for you. What you’re allowed to eat, drink, smoke, swallow, breath…

Every time someone dies from their own irresponsibility we must ignore that and instead form a cause, a charity, a militia, take donations, create a focus group, and have 10 laws made and engraved onto stones which should be put in front of buildings telling everyone else how they should live because one person dear to them fucked it up and we must all pay the price.

I really wish I was making it up. I really wish there were people who didn’t think like this. There are. They are republicans, they are democrats, they are everywhere. They are completely irrational, illogical, selfish, so blind about their own emotions and feelings that they put turn raw emotional responses into direct opinion and don’t even question the logic or rationality of it even once.

And there are crowds of people who will jump up to support them in their cause, purely because of the emotional response it elicits in them. It’s like a pastor to the parish, amen! And you may all now be seated.

October 11, 2012

social disconnect network

Filed under: General — Xero @ 5:17 pm

Meanwhile, in social networking land, everyone is busy #pattingeachotherontheback and #jerkingeachotheroff on twitter. Oh look, facebook, another witty eCard, a half-ass political or religious debate, and/or other random pictures. Oh, internet, you are so predictable.

Oh wait, pictures of cats. All is well now.

You know, I’ve always written this blog with no real intentions of any sort, just kind of my way to get out my thoughts and feelings or whatever the fuck those things are. I never intended it as a social device or platform, but have occasionally brought it up in social contexts, after-the-fact.

I guess my real problem is that I’m not in the market for opinions, and I’m not buying yours just because you’re selling it. I don’t have to care about your opinion, even if I might agree with it, and that is what makes me awesome, and you just another piece of shit on the internet looking for attention.

I don’t know what it is, but I can just sense this shit from a mile away now. What are people’s intentions anyway? Actually check that, they’re all probably on the same bullshit quest for money, power, and notoriety. Not that I’m immune to such diseases but I do things on my own terms, not with pats on the back coming from others. That’s what makes me different from the average schmuck with a twitter, blog, and facebook.

This will always be more real than anything any of those kind of people will write, ever. There can’t be greatness without validity, and lack of intention. It’s like an accident. You didn’t intend for it, you didn’t just sucker everyone around you into joining the cult of yourself only to then surprise them with your greatness, no, that’s just not how it works.

Some think so, though. Those who are all talk, of course, love others who are as well. This is simple, because neither will attempt to call each other out on their lack of credibility. When someone who actually takes action is around, well, fuck em, distract them with needless questions, bear no responsibility of the need to provide proof to your claims, then agree to disagree, so you can still feel right in the end.

This is your modern society. This is your culture. The thinly veiled smiles you see on those around you are just due to ignorance of the reality around them. Only those who choose to keep their eyes open will see the truth, the others, let them revel in the ignorance of social approval over reality. What have you really achieved in the end? How will history remember you?

That’s right, just another fucking peasant. Off with his head! Bring in the jester! Entertain me fool!

September 12, 2012

LOL, Fails from the past

Filed under: General — Xero @ 8:45 pm

So, I don’t usually write about my job much anymore. Oh sure, occasional mention here or there, or sometimes I’ll do a mock post, where I mock something indirectly, but leave no real tie back to anything. However, in the past and at my old job, I definitely did this, one time I trusted the wrong people and it caused a bit of a stir, requiring me to respond to people who really had no business trying to dictate my thoughts or my personal life in the first place. So, if I do have these kind of posts now-a-days, they either stay private or don’t get written about.

Oh man, is it hilarious seeing others, 10+ years older than myself, make the same mistakes of my punk-ass 19 / 20 year old self. Just knowing that alone, gives me hope for the future, because by the time I’m that age, I’ll probably be on another plane of life experience, far beyond the ego tripping and “trying to prove a point / prove myself” kind of stage I used to be in. Even just reading some of my previous posts, right before this one, questioning myself and my experiences with dating and what not. Having eventually accomplished the things I wanted, the wisdom gained from that already differentiates myself from that other me from only just a year ago.

I write this now as my birthday looms ahead. Another day, another year. Who knows where life will take me. It’s funny, I still have my own issues, but I’ve also got people who respect me and my talents. I’ve stopped fearing failure and started embracing it. The fear of failure and/or not being able to understand or get something done, will in and of itself, prevent you from getting things done. Also, it stops you from learning new things and gaining experience.

When people in power are afraid of failure, it creates a power gap, as those who are not afraid of failure will quickly step up and invade this space. However, first new lesson learned, those who step up are not always those with good intentions.

Some, not all, and this is not to be taken lightly. The ones who do have truly good intentions are probably some of the greatest assets. The ones who are questionable are probably the most dangerous.

Those who are prone to religion and/or the occult are often easily persuaded to have faith in highly ideological concepts, but in practice, this is always triumphed by real-world use cases and experience. I think it’s a logical fallacy to give attribute to anyone for anything until their ideology has come to fruition. That’s probably why I throw all things religious promptly out the window. To have faith in an idea simply because it’s presented intelligently is a logical fallacy in my book.

I want to see real things, out the door. Experience, the kind where things get done. That’s all experience really means, it’s an assessment of your capability to do, til completion. I don’t need to be lectured to, and I certainly don’t need a demonstration. What do I look like, some sort old king? Perform for me, peasant! Not good enough, NEXT! No, it’s not that complicated, really. Just make shit work. Don’t turn yourself into a side-show.

Oh, but how I’ve seen that happen, time and time again. Dance, jester! Entertain me! And when I see it, I can’t help but think of my younger self, making those same mistakes. It happens in all areas of life, you’ll have that deja vu, with a flash of wisdom. You don’t need to do anything to prove yourself, you just do things and that happens by itself. Also, don’t expect anything in return. You’re already getting paid to be there. Your peers won’t appreciate it when you publicly demonstrate that you think you’re worth more than them, I promise.

What else, hmm, I’m feeling all wisdom’ed out for now. Maybe I’ll have some more words of advice for you all next year. In the mean time, everyone else, keep on sucking, and I’ll keep on writing.

December 4, 2011

social awkwardness (it’s you this time)

Filed under: General — Xero @ 12:42 pm

Half the fun of being social is the awkwardness it causes the other person, too. It isn’t just you, it’s them too. Isn’t it amusing? When I take a step back, and introspect on the situations around me, it’s funny how all the tough guys turn into wimps, and all the stuck up bitches seem to have lost all their attitude….the condescending bullshit shows up as huge gaps in confidence, the tough guy act shows up as a child-like need for attention and when you go into such a situation with no such ill-will, it’s amazing how these types of interactions quickly reveal their true intentions.

People love to use things like religion, a holier-than-thou attitude, prayer, social clubs, secret societies, so called ‘spiritual’ awakenings, among other things, to justify their behavior to themselves. Basically, all giant piles of group think. I’ve started to realize what the danger of this is: You will sacrifice your own honesty and integrity for an attempt at being an asshole to seem cool. Good job. You have won life now.

November 2, 2011

myers-briggs everything

Filed under: General — Xero @ 3:11 pm

So, as of late I got back into the myers-briggs type indicator. I was a little into it a few years ago when a friend of mine had introduced me to it. I used to not care as much about it and my scoring was a little more inconsistent back then, but overwhelmingly I was always an ISTP and it fits me pretty well these days, back then I wasn’t as sure as I am now.

Now I’m making everyone take it. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. I’m just on a mission to understand people better and find out what kind of people excite me and what kind of people I just don’t get along with. I don’t really take it so seriously as to think of it as an absolute indicator of everything, but certain things ring particularly true as of late and I’m learning how to use parts of my personality better.

On the other hand, while you can sometimes read my inner emotions from my external gestures, it’s often amazing how well I conceal my thoughts and feelings. I can so easily lead people to believing various things about me or the situation at hand, often times coming off as mysterious or what not, but really, I just pick and choose who gets to know me, and it changes constantly. I’ve also started to realize how well I can pick up on other’s insecurities and emotions, because I’m often so emotionally detached from conversation, I’ve started being able to see when others are not.

While I generally have a sense of honesty, loyalty, and righteousness, if I don’t like you, I am worried I may start using my new found abilities in all the wrong ways. I’m realizing how easily I can manipulate people’s thoughts about me by simply acting a certain way outwardly, even if I’m thinking something entirely different. I’m also just calling out people’s bullshit more frequently, bullshit that I often wouldn’t have noticed in the past. I think doing the latter is probably the more honorable route, even if it makes me more enemies.

July 2, 2011

what do I want

Filed under: General — Xero @ 11:12 am

With my new found insight into the world and all that bullshit, I’ve always been asked the question, so what do you want anyway? What are my expectations? What am I looking for?

It’s funny reading through some of my old posts here, I was at one point so perfectly content saying fuck humans, relationships and love and all that kind of bullshit. I was so content with certain things, although not with others. It’s clear that I misread my own feelings as well, basically trying to pass off anxiety as misanthropy, but I’ve said and done weirder things, so somehow this doesn’t surprise me. Plus, I was like still in my teens back then, so what the fuck did I know about anything? Even so, I feel like it’s so much time wasted, but as usual I’m taking my own weird ass path to get there. Seems like that’s pretty much like my life right there, no matter what I do, or perhaps I’m creating that reality by saying this, or all that kind of psychobabble bullshit. Anyway, who the fuck knows.

In either case, what was the question again? Oh, yeah, what do I want. I don’t really think that’s a hard question, to be honest, at this point I just want something mutual, on the same page, or what not. I don’t really have any particular requirements or expectations, I just need to get myself out there and have more experiences, for better or worse. It doesn’t really even matter to me at this point about the specifics, and to be honest, the specifics change over time anyway. It’s the broader character traits which end up mattering most, from my experiences anyway.

What else, hmm, alcohol is a weird drug. I still don’t really enjoy it that much compared to others, but I find it amusing how people are allowed to excuse so much on it. It’s like, you are allowed a mulligan on life if you were drunk. I still don’t really buy that for some reason. It’s not like I haven’t been drunk a whole bunch of times myself. I’m still sort of exploring it though. I’m also not good at reading people who are drunk, maybe if I am also drunk it will be easier, but who knows, I’m not that great at reading people to begin with, but that’s sort of why I’m trying to figure this crap all out I guess.

Oh yeah, and what’s with people still thinking I’m writing about them on here? I can’t believe this still happens…hasn’t anyone looked at my ” about” page to the right? This has happened like 50 times before and you’re always wrong…I’m writing about experiences and the person(s) involved in them, I’m often never writing about any particular person, and it’s generally about people who are not my friends or involved in my life anymore. And before anyone judges me over just one particular blog post, you could, you know, actually try reading more than that and see if you really understand what the purpose of this waste of space is. These are my inner thoughts. This may or may not be representative of my opinions and views on life at any particular point in time. Inner thoughts are subject to frequent change. There will be no refunds.

June 28, 2011

that guy just like me

Filed under: General — Xero @ 12:22 pm

So, I haven’t written in a while, but thought I’d make a status update as I’ve been going through a lot as of late.

For some reason, whenever I find a girl I actually like, I tend to for some reason end up making them not like me for some reason or the other. Why, I don’t know, maybe I make it too obvious or something. I never have any trouble before I meet someone (like if I’m just chatting online or what not) or if I’m not attracted to them, but if I am and I give any sort of hint towards it, I seem to drive them away to someone who’s just like me, at least in one particular area or the other. Yeah, what?

You can’t control who you’re attracted to and who you’re not, at the same time, I don’t really think I’m that picky. The people who seem to actually be attracted to me, who I’ve met through whatever means (typically online dating bullshit), always seem to be dishonest people, who misrepresent themselves, and then when I meet them I’m not attracted to them, because they basically lied about themselves, which in and of itself is a big turn-off, on top whatever physical feature they were trying to hide (usually, very overweight, with the personality to match).

Look, I’m not in the best shape, but I’m trying, and to be honest, I don’t really care about it that much as long as they are at least making an effort and aren’t like, way more overweight than I am, but I never seem to find these people who are of “equivalent weight status” as I am. It’s either way fat or normal, there’s no in-between it seems, at least not that I’ve found. I think it’s because most girls of that status tend to try and pass off as normal and then expect a guy who’s normal, even though that’s technically sort of asking for more than you are willing to give.

Anyway, back to the whole guy just like me thing, it’s almost like that Dane Cook (insert obligatory dane cook hatred here) movie “Good Luck Chuck” where, after going out with this dude and failing, the chick then meets the guy of her dreams or whatever. It’s like, girls meet me, they like enough about me to want someone just like me, plus or minus whatever trait it is that must have turned them off, of course I’ll never get an explanation of whatever that is though. Okay. what the fuck.

Maybe I’m just reading into this all too much, but I can’t help but feel like on top of the fact that, a. that person will never really be me, and b. the whole premise of what drove that person to them is borderline crazy, the shit is probably just doomed to fail anyway, but regardless the shit’s no good for my psyche either, how is that supposed to make me feel?

Of course, I never get any sort of explanation or reasoning behind it, you want the version of me that’s more of a hippy? or perhaps the slightly better-in-shape/vegan version, or maybe you want the one with more social skills? or the one who treats you like a dick, yeah that one’s popular. Who knows? After all, I’m not as different as I like to think, right? So clearly there must be just another person out there who’s similar enough minus whatever trait it is you don’t like about me today?

Ohh, I’m the victim again, boohoo, well, too bad, ya know, at this point I’m so fed up with this crap, why is it that the only people who ever are attracted to me are basically people who just don’t care about themselves, don’t have their shit together, are miserable, still have the same general interests as a 15 year old teenager, and/or are just fucking crazy. Who knows? I don’t claim to have all my shit together either, but I’ve at least got some goals in life.

Am I really that fucked up that the only people who can overlook my eccentricities are people who are twice as fucked as me? It’s starting to become quite frustrating at this point. I’ve actually started to wonder as of late if I’ve had like asperger syndrome or some crap this whole time and just didn’t realize it, because of how much trouble I have with these types of situations. They do say that people who have it often get misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD which sounds so much like my childhood story, but really, that’d just be an excuse at best. Even if I did have it, how does that change anything? It won’t get me the things I want by finding a convenient excuse. I don’t really think I have anything that wrong, I just need to meet the right person. The question is, will that person reciprocate, or just ditch me for some other guy just like me?

March 8, 2011

not wanting to fail doesn’t mean you still aren’t failing

Filed under: General — Xero @ 10:53 pm

by not wanting to fail, you’re failing

that’s right, don’t fail! failures are failing all the time at rapidly increasing rates

reduce your failure now, increase your win

three simple steps

a. stop failing
b. stop trying not to fail
c. win

January 20, 2011

selfish selflessness

Filed under: General — Xero @ 8:57 pm

So, in conclusion, I am still not fully enjoying my attempt at being a more social person.

Maybe my expectations are all fucked up or something, could it be that simple?

Maybe I’m picking from the wrong crowd, I don’t know, I work, I get out more than I used to which is still not much, but, I have limited exposure to a crowd of people, which I’m wondering if might be bringing me down in the long term.

I’m falling back into old eating habits again too, I need to start drinking more water again I think. However, part of my new eating habits emerged due to my new social life or whatever. At the same time, I’m considering leaving it all to move closer to my job and get a fresh start on the whole social thing. I don’t know when. I want more money saved up before I do anything too drastic.

I spent my last year spending a lot of money on music equipment and not enough time on music. I need to get everything I have in working order and finish setting up what I have. I need to start saving more money and not spend it. At the same time, my current friends seem to make almost nothing in comparison and don’t seem to really have that much ambition in terms of making more, maybe talk but no action. I am a procrastinator myself, but my base level of wants and desires has kept me motivated enough to work hard at my job and keep showing up on time, even though I’m starting to realize how much I hate working on a fixed schedule.

I’ve been playing around with some ideas in my head regarding things like compassion and altruism, in the past, yeah root of all evil, I know, but I was like, okay, maybe I am just coming off like some really selfish unsociable person or something because of it…or maybe I’m just too quick to judge people, or something.

One thing hasn’t changed, I always know what I don’t like.

I don’t like most new music. OK, I like some, but not most. If they play it on TV or Radio right now, I probably hate it. That “Fuck You” song irritates me even though it kind of stands a bit for George Carlin’s seven dirty words. That’s the thing, George Carlin at least had some sophistication, I feel like this song is the verbal equivalent of the “baby got back” music video rather than making a point. It’s like, people want to be shocked, basically. Come on, push the limits, I dare you, but it’s all bullshit. There were never any limits anyway, it’s just an illusion…bleep out a word, as if we don’t know what the word is. Who does any of it fool? Fuck you, oh nos, you said a bad word. This generation is much more tolerable to naughty language than the past few, but needlessly rubbing it in my face to prove said point is unnecessary…I got the point when George Carlin made it, and Lenny Bruce before him, and all the others who actually got arrested/gave a part for the cause, this song? Meh, “fuck you” is practically casual language now with a large portion of people I know. This isn’t shocking anymore. Lady Gaga sucks too. I hate people who passively let music find them, rather than finding music they like.

I hate when people are so blinded by their own selfless acts that they don’t realize when said acts are hurting others. Much the same as activists who only fight for half the side of the story, a selfless act intended to help which in turn hurts irritates me much the same way.

I hate jealousy and the resulting anxiety it causes me. I’m not even really sure what I’m jealous about anymore. It seems to just be a response to my lack of action and the actions of others. I hate feeling upstaged, I guess, but at the same time I’m not a very competitive person, so I have no easy way to deal with it. Sometimes I feel like there’s another person in my head which wants to escape but is constantly forced through the filters of my life/world/reality. Filters, anxiety, whatever. Fact is, I still feel like there’s something holding it back, and I’m not entirely sure what. I feel like I’m close, closer than ever before, but at the same time, recent events have sort of made me feel like regressing back to old habits. Will I ever break free of whatever is holding me back? I wonder if it’s a chicken or the egg thing – will I break free if I get the things I want, or will I get what I want if I break free…I still feel that is the latter, but my recent regressions make me think I need to change tactic. Different group of people maybe? I don’t know, and honestly I’m no good at finding new people to hang out with. I feel like my current friends aren’t a perfect match, but are better than nothing. I don’t want to feel like they’re temporary or that I’m taking them for granted, but I’m not sure how much any of this really matters anyway, but what I do know is that I can’t just stay the same.

I don’t speak my mind enough, but sometimes what I’m thinking might be judgmental, or hard truth that some people don’t want to hear. However, as I quietly listen and observe while thinking said things, I start to wonder if I’m the one creating the false pretenses by subjecting myself to situations which I don’t entirely like to begin with. However, I question on the opposite side of the situation as to whether my judgement might be too harsh or premature, but the thing is, more often than not it stays the same over time, so I tend to rule out the premature theory…Or am I just never able to admit I’m wrong…but how can I be wrong if the matter is of taste? There’s no right or wrong for things like that…but is it wrong to judge someone because you don’t like their taste? I sort of feel like you represent yourself with what you consume…

Maybe I just am focusing too much on the things I don’t like. I’m always so quick to disagree when I don’t like something, either that or I’ll say nothing, in either case the conversation is probably dead by now. What am I supposed to focus on though, the things I like? OK, so when people don’t like the things I like, then where am I at? Is that when I look for a new crowd? You know, it’s stupid shit like this which are the things in life that drive me crazy.

I hate when people are always calling me a genius, usually in the middle of a social situation where I’m feeling like a total idiot or otherwise uncomfortable/awkward/whatever. I don’t want to be some awkward person, am I really so damn different? Is there really no one else who thinks even remotely like I do? This is almost an insult to me now, it’s just like, you’re weird. Thanks a lot.

Can you be polite and selfish at the same time? What is being polite anyway? If it’s telling people what they want to hear, then I don’t want to be polite. Doing things for others? I wouldn’t even know where to start, I have enough time trying to take care of myself. Maybe I’m still not ready for this, I don’t know. It’s like how can I improve myself if it requires selfless acts, because I’m too far into selfish land, while at the same time not becoming a tasteless fake of my former self. I’m supposed to be nice, make compliments, whatever, but if those things don’t come naturally to me, why should I force it? That seems even more awkward to me. I don’t even know how to respond when people compliment me most of the time other than just being like thanks or something that briefly ends the encounter. I guess I don’t like compliments that much, so I don’t give them. I feel like compliments raise some sort of expectation or something. I guess people like to feel like their efforts are worthwhile or something, but if you only do things you enjoy, you don’t have to worry about whether or not something is worth it, because you will have enjoyed it regardless, thats how I feel anyway.

I’ve heard things like you need to like yourself before you can like other people, but I sort of feel indifferent about it all I guess, so it seems to cancel out. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me for not liking certain things that a lot of other people like. Sometimes it almost seems like it would be easier if I liked those things…but, I just can’t do it. I have my own taste. Sure, I’ve changed my mind about a few things in the past, but, generally I know whether I like something or not.

So back to that whole altruism thing, I mean, root of all evil still? I don’t know, let’s get back to that. Moving on…

Compassion for others? Love and all that? Well, before, I guess my stance was sort of, it’s all fake! Chemicals in your brain…I suppose I still sort of agree with that, even though I want a girl in my life and probably would fall aimlessly into said chemical trap. At one point I felt like I had to put up some manly shield, I gotta be tough and shit right! Love, pfft, who needs that. In hindsight, I think I was probably just being blinded by my own false perceptions of gender expectations. I think generally it’s kind of hard to make fun of a guy having feelings for a girl, I mean, that’s hardly too unusual for a straight dude. I need to stop being afraid of my own damn emotions and take down these filters…blah! I don’t know why I do these things to myself. It makes me feel like I’m really out of touch with things in either case. I don’t trust my intuition even when it generally does tell me the truth.

I have read that compassion is a required part of love, I’m not really sure what any of it means anymore. I mean, obviously if I like someone, I’m not going to be mean to them, but compassion? I don’t know. I guess I have trouble with the whole going out of my way for others, but at the same time, I know if I had a girlfriend I’d probably go out totally of my way for them because I’m a total pushover like that, though I’m sure that’d get old fast so within reason of course. I guess I don’t risk compassion enough – like a gamble or bet or something. If you don’t ever play, you don’t ever win, or lose for that matter…but you can’t only play when the odds are in your favor, you have to play anyway on the chance it goes that way. but i hate gambling so maybe i shouldn’t have used that example haha.

Some people have no problem doing tons of things for other people, but is that what it’s really about? I mean, I don’t think compassion is helping a lazy person be lazy, I mean I suppose the occasional kind gesture or whatever, but what if things are more convenient for the other person than myself? Go out of my way? Hmm, but how often and how much is too much? You know, these things don’t have any definite answer, but at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I’m not being myself, or being used.

People say I’m smart – but something as stupid as this has me in pieces – I mean, I wish people really knew the truth, meh, forget that, I wish I had the guts to just flat out say the truth in response to that “you’re smart” bullshit. I’m smart? OK fine whatever. And you’re what, dumb? Average? How are your social skills? Mine, oh well that’s a long story.

I want to fit in but I want to be different at the same time. I don’t know what the fuck my deal is anymore. Why the hell things don’t ever come together more easily is beyond me, but if it’s not going to happen by itself, then I need to do something. I just don’t know what.

I started feeling kind of lonely at one point, so I sort of immersed myself into a few social situations, but now I wonder if all I really did was lead myself further down a road of false hopes and pretenses…and in the end, I left not feeling as lonely, but not really any more happy.

I think it’s time to just conclude I’m not getting what I want from these social situations, at the same time I’m not even sure what I want, some kind of mental stimulation or something, I just am not able to speak my mind freely enough with the crowd I’m in, and fall backs such as common interests and what not seems to lead me to more frustration…The stupid thing is, the crowd I’m in thinks they’re open, liberal, kinda hippyish, etc, and yet I can’t speak my mind. Fact is, people are open to what doesn’t shatter their world, but if you’re bumbling around wondering what your new horoscope date is and come across someone with any hint of skepticism and some awkward social behavior, they must be a fucking genius.

On a slightly different note, I don’t like how some people act when they’re drunk. Being drunk doesn’t mean you can just make stupid decisions and blame it on drunkenness. You made the decision to get drunk, thus you’re just as responsible for any decisions thereafter. At this point, I already don’t drink, but I’m tempted to give up any sort of routine intoxication of any kind – once in a while maybe, but close to near every day? Too much…old habits die hard i guess.

More to the point, physical attraction is a dirty whore. Rather, physical attraction makes a dirty whore. Alcohol is an excuse, but the lack of standards is apparently now socially acceptable. I blame the 60s. Fucking hippies. Literally. Yeah, this is like the 2nd time it’s caught me off guard. People this day in age don’t fuck around about fucking around. I guess in that regard I’m somewhat conservative. Wow, not that I want some submissive housewife or anything, but, I’m a dude who still has standards, I thought there was some women out there who still had em, but nope, even the ones you think do, just wait for an attractive enough guy to walk their way, get to know you? yeah, that’s what she said.

Anyway, back to that whole altruism thing. What I’m starting to realize is that even altruism is kind of a mutual selfish thing, rather than a selfless thing entirely. Haha, the golden rule. That whole, treat others how you want to be treated, with the intention that your bet will pay off and you’ll get some treatment back. Okay, but everyone? And how nice exactly? What does any of it really mean? I’m starting to think that it’s not really all as bad as I’m making it out to be, but really, at this point none of it matters unless I can actually meet some new people and test out some of these theories.

I’m still not sure where I’m really going with all this…I just know where I’m not…

November 29, 2010

I am who I am who I am not

Filed under: General — Xero @ 3:35 pm

Well it’s been an interesting couple of months/weeks/whatever and I’m starting to take issue with some of the missing pieces in my social consciousness and begin to develop them for better or worse. However long and painful this process may be, as usual I already have all the “don’t’s” filled out and the “do’s” empty.

Don’t wait, don’t procrastinate, the time is now! YOU HAVE THE POWER. OMFG.

THE POWER IS YOURS

Yes, my feeble path of existence has taken yet another turn and who knows what will happen now. Will I bust through this wall of doubt in time? Oh, so I fucked up some along the way, but you know what, you start to realize everyone else is fucking up just as much, and sometimes even more so than yourself. And once that realization has come you can finally be freed from the mindfuck.

So I’ve been given numerous pieces of advice.

don’t hesitate, be more aggressive, don’t think about it just do…etc…sounds all so generic. After all, we’re just playing by social expectations here. Male’s are supposed to be domineering or aggressive or whatever, but at the same time i’ve never fit into any social standards. Am I perpetually screwed, or bound to find someone like me? The problem is, many people who share similar perspectives are in far worse situations and I suppose this can be taken too far…

What people say and what people want are often two different things. Some people are users and want abusers, but pretend like they want gentle and kind. Others say they are shy but really just expect you to do everything for them. People are fucked in the head in all kinds of ways and at this point I have trouble comprehending it all. Especially the twisted psycho crap I’ve been dealing with recently, I feel like I’m too old to be playing these kind of games with people. I can’t deal with people stuck in their past, at the same time I wonder how much I might still be stuck in mine…

why the fuck doesn’t this shit just fall together either? is it really just a confidence game? is this like some kind of bullshit job interview? Maybe the general public is just too screwed up to be able to pull off any sort of coherent conversation so it’s all just filled with fluffy lies and comforting story tales. Or maybe it’s just the people I meet…

I hate stupid white lies. I don’t care what you think. Don’t lie to me to make me feel better. I will hate you forever. I am not a woman asking if I’m fat. I expect real answers from real people. If you aren’t a real person, then you are a superficial piece of crap and are basically dead to me. I am tired of this.

I’m starting to be like, what the fuck at this point. You know, there’s a lot of bullshit out there and the filter is being upgraded.

1. I’m tired of people who don’t have their shit together financially and complain about it.
2. I’m materialistic as fuck. That’s right, deal with it. I like things. It’s part of animal nature to claim one’s territory. I’m claiming mine now. I’m tired of people acting like this is some sort of bad thing. Fuck you hippies.
3. I selectively care about things. That’s right, I don’t care about EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. Chances are, my priorities take precedence over others, if I can’t take care of myself, who will?

If you disagree with me on any of the above things, and then proceed to complain about your problems in life to me, I have the right to tell you to go fuck yourself and/or blow me, as that is the proper payment for being the manwhore you take me for.

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