Xero's other waste of space

So recently things have been going pretty well. I still haven’t been doing much with myself, well at least according to societies rules, but I say otherwise.

In the mean time I’ve been pretty much

oh god the cat just made a really smelly shit and I’ve completely lost my train of thought.

anyway yes life is fantastic and stuff. Wow this really is a waste of space.

I need money and stuff.

Yes it’s true. American’s on average are extremely shallow and I hate them.

From following fashion fads to liking music which can only be described as noise pollution, an American’s shallowness knows no bounds. It’s all about the looks and appearances, and if it isn’t about that then it’s about money or reputation.

What is the point of the shallow things that people do? Why follow the trends that corporations push on us? Why care about trying to impress the other sex? It’s not like guys care about that shit, even though most of them are just as shallow, they’re more concerned about getting the clothes off you.

Anyway, I was just viewing some random people’s profiles that are in my area. Almost all of them liked the same crappy pop music, wore the same clothes, the same typical junk over and over again. There is no one exceptional. All were fake. Of course once you talk to a person in real life you realize there’s more to a person than their interests, you realize their shallowness gives you the ability to change their interests at your own whim. But why would I want to even get involved with someone so stupid? Someone who’s interests are changeable just because you assert your opinion more than they do. Just because you formed your own opinion, and they simply followed someone elses.

It’s like in little social groups there’s always someone who’s more assertive with their opinion so the group’s interests all follow that persons. Fuck that. I’ll like what I like, I don’t need to hear some cookie cutter bullshit. I don’t want to settle for less just because less is more common. I want to see people who form their own opinions, who don’t simply follow the lead of MTV.

And I know how easy it is to fall into such traps. I did once. Never again. And the problem is deeper than it seems. Just think, these giant corporations who are pushing these shitty artists on a mass scale are the only people who have enough money and power to do so, but that doesn’t even matter, because they’re the same companies who own all the distribution channels to begin with. They own the TV, and the radio, they own the pressing plants and they own the fashion trends which the clothing companies put out. Simply by having their artist wear a new pair of pants, or say they like one thing or another, this can be accomplished. So where do people start to look for good music, if they can’t simply be lazy and let someone else feed it to them?

P2P networks and online music communities of course. But those are evil(TM) and bad(TM) and oh no the starving artists. Of course the big corporations are the ones who are least effected by P2P. They have enough money, power and control that the initial amount of money they need to make before P2P starts to help them instead of hurt them is pocket change. This is, approximately $32,000 according to the owner of an independent record label owner that I recently spoke to. That’s a lot for some average person to go out and spend in one day, but for a multi-billion dollar corporation this is the same amount of money they’d pay just for an artist’s hair cut and outfit.

And it’s sad only because it’s true. These giant corporations are marketing shallow people, for shallow people. And they all follow like the little drones they are. I’m sick of it. Whiny-emo, bling-bling-rappers, slit-my-wrists-nu-metal, and kill-me-please-punk, whatever genre your shallow ass affords to choose, you can shove it.

Now I’m not one to usually go out spending tons of cash on albums because of the fact I’m broke, but please people, even if you honestly think you LIKE this shallow crap, don’t give your money to these corporate fuck-holes. Give it to people who actually deserve it. People who actually have talent. Not some fake-blond-lip-syncing-voice-edited-fashion-whore, or some zelda-haircut-black-eye-shadow-oh-the-pain-is-so-bad-emo-boy.

Support artists who care about their music and not about their appearance, to the point where some of them refuse to reveal their identities, avoid giving any personal information, make no live appearances, or even wear masks while performing, almost as if to spite those falling into the traps that those corporate puppets do. Do not fall for American idolism. And how pathetic is it that there’s a show named after just that. It’s as if the shallow fools in this country celebrate the fact that they are just that, shallow. Why? WHY!?

“We urge you to join the resistance and help us combat the mediocre audio and visual programming that is being fed to the inhabitants of earth. This programming is stagnating the minds of the people; building a wall between races and preventing world peace. It is this wall we are going to smash.”
http://www.undergroundresistance.com/creed.html

Well I’ve been diagnosed with borderline adhd and anxiety, but I don’t feel all too bad about that, it’s nothing I didn’t already expect. So now I might have to take some meds which are basically the equivalent of speed. Yay, take speed, do work, fun times.

or whatever.

It does make it seem kind of pointless though. I mean anyone can take speed and be a workaholic for a day, except I might actually need it to function. That’s kinda weird. Something about the front of my brain being less active or something. Hey did someone drop me on the head as a baby?

Most likely though the anxiety I suffer was conditioned into me and my genetics didn’t help that seeing as there’s a family history of similar such occurrences. Oh well at least I don’t have obsessive compulsive disorder, that’s my least favorite one, you know. Schizophrenia was always my favorite disorder. I don’t know why, I guess because it’s hard to imagine what it’d be like. Seeing things and hearing things that aren’t there, having other people talk to you that are really just voices in your head.

I guess the idea of escaping from this reality has always been interesting to me so a disorder which is just that has got to be my favorite. Makes sense right? Drugs.

Drugs are fun, but it does get boring after a while, especially when it starts effecting you negatively, so I’m taking a hiatus from them yet again. Not sure for how long, but perhaps until I’m feeling better physically. I have this cough you see, and it’s not going away. I’m thinking it might be allergies or a reaction to my grandma’s cigarettes, it does seem to act up when she lights one up. I really should go to the doctor, and I will eventually, I guess I’m kinda waiting to see if it goes away by itself. I do hope there’s nothing seriously wrong with me, I’m always paranoid about that shit.

I had been smoking quite a bit more than I usually did. I used to be able to last months off barely any weed, but I was smoking those kind of amounts in days. I guess it’s no wonder I have this cough.

I’m not feeling too bad at the moment, so that’s good. I have to eat and take a shower and then I’m going to watch some TV. That sounds pretty good. I’ve basically finished the internet for the day. So the moral of the story is: eat your weed don’t smoke it. I think.

Since my last post was more of a “Hey I’m alive” kind of thing I’ve decided to write something for real this time.

Oh so I’ve covered most of everyone’s favorite topics and such already but I have decided I must write about something. What that something is I’m not quite sure. Actually I am.

I’m starting to think that having qualifications in this society just gives people the right to judge those who don’t. It seems like everyone who’s got qualifications for one thing or another thinks they’re all high and mighty on the subject even if they didn’t come up with a damn thing themselves and simply followed the text right out of a book.

And you people know who you are. You won’t ever admit it though, you’re probably sitting there contemplating the issue with yourself right now thinking “hrm, do I really? Nah” just because you’re that arrogant. I hate you.

You know what you’re qualified to do? You’re qualified to get a brain tumor. Now go and die. I want people without qualifications to automatically get a qualification of not having a qualification, then we shall join together and start a sub-culture of chaos. Or something like that anyway.

You know I’m especially tired of people who start assuming that I’m “a certain way” after I tell them partial details about myself. It’s like, hello, let me finish, stop filling in the blanks with your own psychobabble. You don’t have a qualification to be a dumbass, so stop.

In other news I really do hate people. This isn’t because of any “issues” it’s because people just are worthy of hate. It’s funny when people mistake my misanthropy for fear. Silly humans, you don’t scare me.

Also something about cheeses. Did I ever mention I’m lactose intolerant? That’s where all my cheese related Freudian slips come from, I think.

Once I wrote something to the extent maybe one day I could completely ignore other peoples bullshit and become like, some sort of super-asshole. I think I recently pulled that off. It was kind of fun.

So anyway in conclusion my life is about the same except now I’ve been yet again confronted with those expecting qualifications of me. People wanting to change me so I abide by the rules instead of making how I am work for me, or so it seemed anyway. I really don’t like the sound of that too much.

Look at my fortune just now:

Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.

how appropriate.

Well I haven’t posted in quite some time. I just haven’t had much to write about. I thought this was kind of cute so yeah. I found it on chistian’s xanga…

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell – The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Take the Dante’s Inferno Hell Test

oh god i’m such a sinner.

ok so comments haven’t been working on wordpress and I think I figured out why…let’s see.

edit: god damnit now it’s not crossposting anymore

I think I finally got this journal syncronization thing down. Now xanga, livejournal, and wordpress will all update simultaneously….moment of truth….

haha nice it worked…hey if you’re seeing this editing worked too!

Welcome to WordPress. This is the first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

wearing clothes designed to attract others of specific interests like a mating call to the stupid.

match your hair to your mental despair.

for those who are dumb shall only become dumber, them braincells ain’t coming back you know

I feel like I can kick some ass right now.

So what is with people and all the silly bullshit fashion fads? Haircuts and clothing trends…and you’ll say “but you’ve talked about this before!!” and yeah that’s true but let’s take another look at this from a new perspective also known as I haven’t written about this in a while, time to piss some people off.

Who the hell thought of the idea of haircuts anyway? What a stupid idea. Almost as stupid as body piercings and ritual genital mutilation. What is the deal with this race and it’s desire to change it’s appearance into unnatural mutant looking things? And why the hell are people turned on by it?

OH MY GOD IT’S BRITNEY SPEARS. I think I’m going to puke.

I can imagine in the future we’ll discover the secrets of genetic manipulation and the first thing people will want to do is make themselves have “naturally” pink hair or some stupid shit. Yes because people are that stupid, and stupid sells. You know, sometimes I wonder how we got this far. Maybe stupid people demanded some odd thing and those who invented things had to try and please their desires, because otherwise they’d make no money.

Let’s look at some stupid misuses of technology.

– Neon lights. Not going to say anything more.
– Pacifiers, because ravers just had to lower themselves to the stupidity of babies.
– Babies. Does sexual reproduction count as technology? I don’t know but babies are stupid so they can go here.
– Cellphones. Yeah so whoever thought you’d one day be using a phone to type messages to people. This one is so full of stupid I can’t even begin.
– Sub-woofers. No, these were not made so you can stick abundant masses of them in the trunk of your car.
– Instant messaging. New and improved AOL 69.0 includes features such as anal rape on demand, video chat, voice chat, other such bloat which has no damn right to be in an instant messenger! All because stupid people now own computers.
– Drum machines, samplers, sequencers, sound effects, music production equipment in general. Yes this one is a bit broad. It’s here because they make pop music with it, and pop music is terrible.

Okay so I’m going to stop there, plus I kind of ran out of things to put.

Makeup, clothing, earings, tattoos, hair cuts, hair dye, jewelery.
Dumb, stupid, low self-esteem, dependant, follower, fool, ignoramus.

But, but! Fashion is an art! Yeah, and so is self-fellatio if you want it to be. If you like something there is no requirement you must look like it, or, a more up to date way of saying this, some monopolies definition of what fashion you should wear if you like a certain thing they produce.

Look at me, I probably look like some lazy bum, and shit that wouldn’t be too far off. Oh wow even not doing anything can be a fashion! God damn I hate people.

choose an identity, make an enemy.

Yeah so you know I’m tired of writing about what path to take and other stupid teenager-establishing-an-identity bullshit. Even the things I like seem dull sometimes. What purpose does it serve to sit here moping about useless bullshit?

So while I live my life of self-indulgence and instant gratification while simultaneously feeding my laziness and questioning my existence, wait what was I going to say to justify that again?

I’m seriously starting to question whether my interests are well, all that interesting to me anymore, and if so are they rational? Are they too much to handle while living a “normal” life? By that I mean somehow occupying 8 to 10 hours a day “doing things for society” or whatever you call it.

If there was a job that instead destroyed society maybe it’d be more interesting, but eh….every time I fool myself into thinking there is more to humanity I end up being let down. My pleasure seeking has brought me to conclude that there is little to look forward to in the world except material possession or emotional pleasure, by that I mean happiness, by that I mean delusion.

Emotional pleasure is like the most pathetic thing in the world. Wake up in the morning oh what a jolly day, let’s go for a walk and later we can pick the weeds out of the garden! or something. Yeah so I’m kind of rationalizing it but seriously happiness is so limited for me it’s either neutral or questioning existence.

And so I leave my fate in the hands of our feline overlords, for them the answer is clear. The path of the chosen ones.

I’ve come to the conclusion that you don’t know a persons true self until you need something from them. However this changes depending on age…

For the censorship a parent imposes what is really being censored, nothing but their own evils. And while gradually the grasp slips loose for some reason the desire to keep those thoughts chained down remains. Why is this?

I think it’s because people know their own evil, and don’t want to come to terms with the fact that their existence in this society requires it to be functional. For what is capitalism but an exploitation of greed. And what causes this?

The desire to survive is one with no bounds. Why do we do the things we do? What makes survival one way better than another? Is life individually or as a whole more important? And what’s the deal with more is better?

I no longer see much purpose to this world, and while some desire within me exists I have to say that much of it is overwhelmed by my dislike of mankind. For the pleasure I seek is of little importance when put into perspective.

I see the many accomplishments we have made, technology and what not. What purpose does it serve? We share our thoughts and ideas until greed steps in, then we charge for them. What has this world come to?

And in the end it will go on, despite what I say I doubt any apocalypse is all that near, it will continue on, even without me here. I doubt what I say will ever make a difference, people are too stuck into their own beliefs. So what are peoples motives? Nothing but their own selfish desires being put into action. And while I may sometimes ignore this so as to avoid anger, people never cease to annoy me.

Why do we put up with shit to satisfy our own desires? Is it because the desire is weighing more in importance or is it that instinct pushes us to survive even if it requires that which is not desired. Or maybe It’s just me and my instant gratification. Even if it were it doesn’t change the facts.

What I really am starting to see is that being a social creature is made out to be as if it’s a group that helps each other but in reality it’s one using others to help themselves, and when everyone is doing it, all is well as long as everyone is willing and able to put up with some bullshit. What happens when that isn’t the case though?

So today the news of a new copyright bill HR2391 which would make it illegal to fast-forward through commercials, but permit people to skip objectionable content (this is already legal, probably added to make it sound less evil, and/or propose to dumb right-wingers in the senate aka all the senate.)

It would also of course raise the penalties for copyright violation for people just downloading stuff off the internet. Ah yes, it’s this issue again, and it’s getting worse by the day. Also announced today, the MPAA sues people who downloaded movies on the internet. Great.

What’s all this accomplishing again? Oh yeah, making the rich richer, abuse of intellectual property laws, extortion of the poor by the rich. What the hell is wrong with this country that lets a 100+ year old law get totally mutated and anal-raped by giant corporations so it benefits them and makes the public lose out?

I’ve got a new idea that’s simple enough. Don’t let companies own copyrights. Simple enough, if an artist writes a song, and wishes to be signed to a record label, the label can’t own the copyright, only the artist. On top of this it shall be illegal to make a contract binding the individual to use the copyright in any way, shape or form, so companies can’t just simulate owning it by saying “you must do what we want with it and we’ll make you money.” And there shall be punishment to any company who is trying to bribe or use any other type of manipulation to get someone to enforce their copyright in a certain way. This includes threatening to end contracts over it. Assume greed.

This will ensure that those who are using copyright’s protections against people are the actual creators of the object, not some corporate giant who had it signed over to them, and is going to use it to “protect” it’s investment even if the creator doesn’t agree with it.

It also means we know who to buy from, and who to avoid like the plague. Who’s evil and who’s good. But oh no, this proposal would take away the god-given-right of companies to be treated as individuals. Tough shit.

This is getting ridiculous. Of course you know I’d propose total elimination of copyright in favor of a system guaranteeing creator-recognition and listing works used, but not guaranteeing any type of profit, but this would get mr.right-wing’s panties in a bunch, so I won’t go there in this one.

This is just an addition onto an existing law, after all, most laws are. Radical changes never get made in this country because everyone is afraid of failure. Of course those who are really afraid of the change are those in control, those who lose, and those who don’t know. When it’s already failing, those three are one in the same.

Well after getting a bad night sleep from waking up gagging on an odd odor, due to some kind of broccoli related cooking incident, then being disturbed again two more times for other less-bothersome-but-adding-to-the-total reasons, I end up not eating my dinner until around 8:00PM.

And wouldn’t you know it my grandma was there watching TV waiting to give me the most pleasant greeting. The conversation went something like this:

Her: You finally came down.
Me: Yeah, I didn’t sleep too well last night.
Her: Well who’s fault is that?
Me: There was some sort of smell which was making it hard for me to breath and so I kept waking up.
Her: That was your grandfather cooking broccoli. You can’t hear anything from your room but you smelled that.

There was some discussion about a new wireless phone which was in the kitchen after that but for the most part that was the conversation. My grandma for some reason acted as if my reason for not sleeping well wasn’t good because I can’t hear things from my room, but this is a ridiculous concept.

You see, my room is at the end of the hallway, and the door bell is downstairs, and my sisters room separates mine from it even further. Meanwhile, her door is at the top of the stairs, closest to the door bell. So that’s one thing. Another thing is that I’ve slept through the alarm going off. Sounds don’t usually wake me up unless I go to bed wanting them to, I’m used to going to bed in a noisy environment, with computers and fans and such.

On the other hand, because my room is at the end of the hall way, and I have numerous fans in here, including my air conditioner, which I leave on even in the winter, in it’s fan mode, to move air around, which blows outside still, which I use to suck air through the one window, and have it blown out the other, cooling more effectively than simply opening the window. So if you stick your hand near the space under my door, you feel a ton of air being blown in. And it’s no small amount, it’s a big vacuum in here.

That really doesn’t matter though, because I shouldn’t have to make excuses. I’ll probably get shit anyway. Soon after she comes in to get a cup of water while I was preparing some food and she just says this out of no where in this really degrading way:

“You have it good compared to the kids on this show, their parents are deaf, the one is autistic, and the other is normal.”

I don’t see where she gets off making comments like this to me. I literally just wanted to say, “And? As if I’m supposed to care?” Those parents knew their kids would have a hard life, seeing as they were both deaf. Two people don’t just go deaf spontaneously, and seeing as they couldn’t speak at all, just make weird noises and crap, it most likely means they were deaf from birth. And I know some deaf people can speak despite never having heard a word, albeit not very well, I’m pretty sure my assumption is sound.

It’s one of those home remodel shows but they target “troubled families” or what not. Meanwhile they’re usually just lower-middle class Americans at the worst, usually with a disabled family member or deceased parent. Cry me a damn river.

I don’t really care. I absolutely hate TV shows like this. Where’s the poor starving kids with aids in Africa, getting their house remodeled, that is, if they even have a damn house. Yes there are people worse off than I, what am I supposed to do, feel sorry for them? Waste my time caring? Why should I? If I do that, who’ll waste their time caring for me? Not them, that’s for sure. So I’ll continuing caring about myself, thank you. Not as if I want those people to care about me anyway.

My grandma needs to get the fuck off her high horse and step into reality. You could say oh, you need to step into reality too, but there’s a difference. I wouldn’t ever impose my shit onto other people in such a degrading way like she does. And that’s where I get off.

So there’s a bit of an odd situation going on here, it’s hard to explain but it goes something like this:

My sister is little miss princess, she expects everyone to do things for her but uses the little things that she does actually do (such as bringing her laundry down, not actually doing her own laundry) as an excuse. The only real thing she wants is for my mom to drive her places, at her whim.

My mom is a very tense person. A perfectionist and full of hyperactivity. These are traits she most likely picked up from her over controlling parents. She has a busy life, works a full time job, and a social life a bit too large for her to be able to handle given the current situation. The main complaint my sister has is that she’s out to much, because my sister wants her to drive her around, on her demand.

Meanwhile my grandparents think my mom is out too much as well but their only reasoning for it is that they think she should spend more time with us. Now that’s nice and all but I’m 18 and I’d been living pretty much by my self for the last year and a half, on top of the fact I’m not a kid, I don’t need my mom around all the time. They seem to be unable to get over the fact that I am not a kid, and act as if I need to be babied or something. That’s not to say I don’t want to have her around, it’s just my grandparents are being unreasonable. If my mom was around more than she already is it would probably just mean my mom is boring herself out of her mind staying home doing nothing, simply waiting for one of us to ask her for something. We’re all pretty good at self-occupying our time, I don’t really think this is an issue.

Meanwhile my sister flat out admits the only reason she wants my mom around more is to drive her around, but my grandparents still have it stuck in their head that she needs to spend more time with us, which I just don’t agree with. I don’t like when my mom is going out consistently with her dates or whatever she’s doing but only because the fact that she’s very immature in relationships, not because I’d rather be hanging out with her.

I don’t have that much against my mom, she’s going through a lot of shit right now and working her ass off trying to build up enough money to do something about our situation. Meanwhile my grandparents have a serious problem with control. And I think it’s a major part of the reason as to why my mom is always so tense and perfectionist, that’s how her parents are and they are very unreasonable.

I found a page about over-controlling parents a while back and my grandparents fit the bill pretty damn well. And I know it’s not just senility, I’m pretty sure they’ve been this way all their life.

Here’s a quick list that this page gives, which is www.controllingparents.com FYI:

“When you were growing up, your parents…
1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life
2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards
3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them
4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them
5. Violated your privacy
6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you
7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself
8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities
9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others
10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong”

I can tell you right off the bat they are 2 through 10. Probably 1 as well, but I wouldn’t know. I do know that my grandma basically makes a mockery of some of my mom’s childhood issues, which I’d imagine is quite embarrassing to my mom…I recently learned my grandfather wasn’t around very much when my mom was young and it was mainly my grandma. When he was around he was very controlling. Meanwhile my grandma suffers some pretty nasty mood swings from being very nice and sweet to being extremely angry, and it’s quite a bother.

For instance tonight my grandfather takes out beans and hot dogs, and then leaves to go to a social event. He says my grandma would make them, and in reality the only person around to make them would have been me, my mom, or my sister, and my sister would never do it, my mom was busy doing the laundry, and I don’t know how to cook worth crap, so my mom just asks me to pick up some food, which I did. And before I did, my mom went to check on my grandma, to ask if she wanted everything. She’s passed out on the bed like normal only to come down basically as soon as we finish eating, looking extremely grumpy and giving an attitude. No reasoning is applicable, see number 3, 6 and 10. Not good.

Meanwhile there’s a lot of talking behind peoples backs and I find a lot of the decisions that I made with my grandparents about my mom and sisters situation’s end up being very unrealistic so my opinion is always changing sides. Meanwhile my mom knows all about my grandma’s mood swings and tries to avoid her like the plague, which of course just makes my grandma go off even more. It’s not a very good situation and tends to go around in circles. While I don’t want to blame one side or the other I can say that the mood swings and anger are entirely my grandmas issue, it’s when they interact with others that it becomes part of someone else’s problem. I’m still unsure if the mood swings are caused from the insane amounts of medication she takes or not.

I’m writing this to, more than anything, once and for all hold an unbiased opinion on this situation. My sister wants things done at her demand, my grandparents want things done their way on their demand, my mom has trouble making decisions of her own, mainly because of this constant control war she’s stuck in the middle of, and me? I get a lot of heat too from this whole thing. So it does concern me.

More than anything I’m tired of my grandma’s mood swings at this point, because she basically tries to make you feel bad for something which isn’t anyone’s fault. She’ll go off saying everyone is selfish but when it’s 6:00, there’s no food being made, and everyone’s hungry, what the hell are we supposed to do, wait around for her to get out of bed? And if we don’t, then it’s all our fault. Fuck that, I’ll go pick up the food.

I’m not going to drive myself crazy just to please someones illogical expectations. And I do not want to hear bullshit for it, it is not my problem. You know all and all I guess it could be worse, but these issues are not being solved, they’re just nudged away and everyone is afraid to confront them, especially due to the fact we’re in my grandparents house, even if it is their reasoning which is flawed. Of course they will be unwilling to admit this, as I said, see number 10 on the list.

Another thing that hurts this issue is the fact my grandma loves to watch Dr.Phil and other such psychobabble on TV and every time it’s some family issue or what not it’s stretched to make it seem the solution he proposes would work with us, which is funny. The show clearly states the solutions are not for anyone, and if a family therapist examined this situation I’m sure they’d see this is not all my moms fault, which is who all this is currently being blamed on. This just feeds her ego more though, which is the real reason I’ve brought this up.

It’s so easy to blame things on other people, especially when it’s an issue you’ve had for a while, but had no one to confront it.

Look at me, I have class. I kiss the public’s ass,
I wear a suit and tie while I send men to die,
I make promises I do not keep, I lie to myself even while I sleep,
I can tell you a thing or two but don’t believe a word is true,
for it’s my job to mislead you,
I cannot tell you my opinion,
it could effect popular decision,
for I want to win, I don’t know why,
I’m just a puppet told to lie,
corporate control and money you see,
these are the things which interest me.

You know I’m really tired of this country. I had another realization today about the whole presidential thing. These people are fakes. They always appear dressed up fancy, they have tons of money, they support those who are like themselves and lie to those below them. These people are the upper class and we’re the peasants. Nothing has changed. It’s just we’re more easily fooled. On top of that, we vote these bastards in, and it’s because most people aren’t smart enough to realize this bullshit game which all the candidates put on.

Kerry and Bush are one in the same, monkeys controlled by a corporate game. This is not about helping the people. Most political jobs in this country have to do with pleasing the minds of the masses, while not actually changing anything. Your fundamentalist christian soccer mom thinks her kids are safe, so everything is fine. Another vote for demorepublicrantic rule.

I see no difference between the two, it’s all an illusion meant to trick you. The real decision is deciding which companies rule this country. You vote for Bush, then you get the Bush family of companies. You vote for Kerry, then you get Heinz squeezing ketchup bottles up your ass. Fantastic.

Fuck this country. I’m not voting, and I’m tired of hearing the same old bullshit lines about not voting. Not making a difference, not making a change. HELLO?! This is the real world, the rich are rich and the poor are poor. Middle class is just the lesser poor. The rich will do what they want and as long as they can shut the poor up, that’s all that matters to them.

You pathetic fools who think Kerry will make a difference because he feeds you some line about health care or social security, or some 10 year plan to bring people back from Iraq, or whatever the hell it is he spouts, do you really think this shit makes a difference in the long run? It’s all these minor little issues these politicians say they’ll fix, thing is, they’re issues which you can bullshit around. Put slightly more money into one area, and slightly more people will get to take advantage of it, but nothing really changed, you just shut up enough people to make the whole think it’s improved.

So whats the point again? Oh yeah, voting, that. Fuck voting.

Well it’s yet another halloween. Last years I was at my aunts house and basically no one came. The year before that was hell. This one, eh, I ain’t got nothing to do with this one. Just relaxation and shit. I should be trying to knock out some of my tv-to-watch list but eh I got a few hours..I’ll be good. Oh well. Let’s see what becomes of this night.

No I’m not voting. When I told this to my cousin, I got a pressuring speech about how foreigners are getting free rides and that Kerry will stop this. Ha. And what else will Kerry stop? A candidate actually making a damn difference? What country are we in again?

You know I really don’t think Kerry can do a better job then Bush. I think both of them are controlled by the media just as much as the other, the only difference is they’ll give a different politically correct excuse when you confront them about why their promises aren’t kept.

I’m so tired of this political bullshit in America. Our politicians are allowed to lie here, and no one even seems to care. It’s becoming a larger problem by the day. The actual changes that are actually getting made are just getting more and more ridiculous. And I’m very tired of the American ego.

I was seriously getting this whole speech about how foreigners are just getting a free ride though college, not doing their work, passing, getting jobs, etc. because of government benefits. I don’t know about you but where’s the fucking proof to that? They said that these “rich” foreigners drive up in fancy cars to their community college, and don’t do a thing, pass, stay rich, and get jobs. And their reasoning is that they supposedly get a tax cut from being an immigrant. Thing is, they couldn’t provide any details. And as you know, it’ll take some proof to get me to believe you.

What it sounded like to me is the typical American ego displaying some racism. Ah well, way to get my vote. I really don’t have an opinion on this whole foreigner and illegal immigrant thing. In fact, at this point I’m more interested in emigration out of this country. I need to make a bunch of money and move out of here. I’m too lazy though, so I’ll just continue putting up with bullshit for now.

On top of that, I’m tired of seeing all these bullshit vote commercials. Make a difference! Choose which media controller will run the country! Just depends on which channel you’re watching…

I’m really fed up with telling people I’m not voting. At this point I’d be better off not saying anything, and that’s making me wonder why I ever stopped. I’ve become a lot more social then how I was when I was younger, and all it gets me is shit from people. I’m a bit tired of people, let me tell you.

My time seems to go by at a rapid rate. I seem to lose track of time and wonder off into many already discovered avenues. Avenues which I have discovered and decide to take again and again because the result is satisfactory enough to continue doing so.

So anyway I need to start showering and brushing my teeth more in order to prevent numerous disorders. On top of that I probably should exercise. Better diet? Oh yeah, and the whole get a job thing. Do I really want to do any of that? No I’d rather be a brain in a jar…or at least live as if that’s so.

Of course things don’t work out that way so if I keep this up I’m sure to go down the drain physically and mentally. I’ve never been one to commit myself to much and follow through with it, not instantly at least. If you push me enough I’ll do the absolute minimum. Not a very productive way to live I guess…

So what I really need is self-motivation. Instead I usually end up saying to myself “all is lost, it’s too late, somethings wrong with me and I’m going to die.” Which of course isn’t very productive. And when I’m too busy to think about that I’ll usually be wasting countless hours on the computer and not realizing it…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m slightly autistic.

“From early childhood there is severe impairment in communication and social interactions, and actions are often repetitive and unchanging”

That sounds kind of like me…Or maybe I have ADD like everyone used to say, and can’t pay attention to things long enough to complete them? Who knows. What I do know is that by writing this I’m putting off other things I could be doing. Not as if I can’t do them when I’m finished but who knows if that will happen. It’s like I can’t spare 30 minutes of time.

It’s one thing to live every day as your last but to really do that would mean not giving a shit about your health and progressively making every next day your last. After all, if it really was your last day to live, worrying about how healthy you are seems quite pointless. Maybe I take this concept too far? Who knows. What I do know is what I’m doing now is not working all that well and I am not seeing any light at the end of any tunnels.

It’s easy to say things like “bite the bullet and just do it” or what not. It’s a little too far past the point of simple demands though. And even if I do take on a regular schedule of hygiene and fitness I’ll probably not do it long enough to see any results or to form any habits and give up on it, like I have so many times in the past.

Me and the whole instant gratification thing. It’s probably limiting me in more ways than one. Mentally because anything that requires long learning processes will inevitably become boring. Physically because physical results usually take weeks if not months. As for hygiene, it just pisses me off. What the hell is with us humans anyway?

Why do we unlike other animals have to take showers and brush our teeth? And not just once in a while I mean all the time, sometimes numerous times per day. How did that happen? I know that humans basically mastered survival by making almost any habitat survivable but by doing so we made sacrifices and now must participate in hygiene rituals which are really quite boring to me.

At this point though just about everything is becoming boring to me. All I really enjoy at this point is watching tv and my computer, and at that I’m still feeling like somethings missing. Getting a job takes away the time I do have and puts more things into my life which I’d rather not do, and would probably have trouble getting myself to do them accordingly so.

I don’t really know what I plan to do with my life but the more I think about it the more it all seems very pointless. I don’t want to live a life of normalcy, working, eating, sleeping, reproducing, hygiene rituals and what not. It’s not fun the way it is now and that’s with constant leisure. Why would doing things I don’t want to do make it any better?

Is it supposed to make my occasional anxiety go away? Is the desire to make money and reward of actually making it supposed to make this all go away? I don’t really have much desire to do anything though, other then maybe not to miss my tv shows, not miss my comics, or read the occasional news website. Talk occasionally with my friends.

I don’t really care about independence or other such silly concepts. Most people try to use that as a way to motivate me, but you might as well be telling me the sky is falling, you’d probably get more of a response. I have better things to do then hope for the impossible.

What the hell is with this world? Is my perspective of reality really so far off? I don’t think so. I think most people just found some false hope to live for. Maybe they have kids and dedicate their life to that, or maybe they’re greedy and dedicate their life to desire. Maybe they’re a teenager and dedicate themselves to be appealing to their friends and going with the latest trends. I’m sure there’s tons more.

Shit as this point the only reason I can think of to live is my cat. And that’s scaring me a bit. I’m really not enjoying this anymore. Why can’t I do nothing in peace?

So some people think Kerry won, some people think Bush won. I think neither of them won, as no ones opinion was changed, nothing was accomplished, just politically correct bickering.

I read a transcript of the debate, I did not watch it on TV. I was able to read it much quicker then it would have taken to watch it on TV anyway, I’m sure. And it starts out with Kerry sucking up. Thanking all his sponsors and the host, blah blah. Of course Bush counter-sucks as soon as it’s his first turn to talk. Pathetic.

The debate was very single-minded concentrating almost entirely on the war on Iraq from an American perspective. The opponent is vicious and wrong and America has the correct morals and is right. I don’t really think poor people with nothing to lose who’ve got a grudge against America because of past actions that effected them have an invalid reason, or are any more morally right or wrong then we are, for fighting in any war.

They’re desperate, they don’t have fancy weapons and big budgets. Therefore, they resort to less fancy tactics. Indeed, some aren’t very good ones, but it’s not as if we’re perfect either. I don’t mean to rationalize their actions though, just take this out of such a biased American perspective.

They next both said something along the lines of to end our involvement in the war you must train the “good guys” who live in these countries of terror to fight off the enemy themselves. So basically train the people in Iraq to fight for themselves, so they can protect themselves. After reading this I instantly thought of how we’ve done such things in the past, helping Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein in fighting wars of the past, later only to become our enemies.

Why should we be helping? If you’re going to take revenge, which is what America is doing no matter how you twist the argument, get to the point, take revenge. Don’t fuck around training people who might end up hating us for the casualties of that revenge. Or just hating us because they disagreed with the whole thing to begin with but didn’t join in and fight with our opponent because they saw it was futile at the time.

Bush refers to Iraq as “herself” which I found funny. Real cute. Not really a point against him though.

Next was some bullshit about how Kerry was in a war and how he knows how it is or what not. I’ve mentioned before I’m tired of hearing shit like that. We weren’t there along side him, we have no idea how it was, and it’s impossible to fully understand someone else’s perspective, which I’ve talked about many times before.

Presidential candidates, stop trying to appease the ego of American society and take a look at the situation from a perspective other than a rich business man’s. Quit turning this into a pissing contest, picking at each others holey arguments while missing all the holes and biting all the bait. I’ve seen better debates between angsty teens and their parents.

They bring up a statement Kerry said in 1971 about Vietnam and asked if it’s relevant today about Iraq. Are they trying to piss me off? 1971? Jesus christ it’s 2004, ask the question, leave out the incriminating bullshit. and stop trying to spin it off as more important than it is.

Alright and then we get to the whole flip flop thing. I’m really really tired of hearing that. I’ve got numerous things to say about it. One instance of this is Bush saying Kerry is a hypocrite because he changed his mind about a decision he made based upon something which was presented to him in one way, and executed in another. I really do see that as a problem with the executor, not the decider, don’t you? And guess who that was? It’s easy to be fooled by liars, if only Kerry could admit that instead of lying in defense.

I asked myself after I read about 60% of the debate, why is this entire debate about the war in Iraq and not about improving America? I wasn’t entirely sure if the whole thing would be covering Iraq as I hadn’t read it all yet, but my fears were verified and indeed the whole thing covered the same disgusting topic. Instead of talking about improving America, they talk about making Iraq a better place, and present the American ideology as some kind of golden moral system.

This is made worse when Bush says things like “if America shows uncertainty or weakness in this decade America will drift toward tragedy.” Sure that sounds nice and all at first but when he says things like “you can’t just say wrong war, wrong time, wrong place” or in otherwords, admit you’re wrong, it makes his initial point seem a lot less valid. He bases this conclusion upon an uncertainty. What message will this send our allies and opponents?

If being a hypocrite makes a better decision in the long run then it’s damn well better then having stuck to an old one in order to make yourself look better. That’s basically what he’s saying by making silly statements like “what message will that send.” As if he’s some insecure teenage girl with an eating disorder. What message will it send if I weigh 115 instead of 105? Oh no, I’m fat!

Fact of the matter is the American ego is already so huge, I doubt this would do much. And even if it did, a little ego deflation is certainly not the worst thing that could happen in this country…if not beneficial. Bush twists some words which I assume Kerry said by saying something like “how will you get our allies to support us when you’re saying things like we’re a grand diversion, join us for a war, that is, the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

As if allies are supporting us all that much right now? Fact of the matter is I bet allies would support us more if we stopped acting like the imperialists we are and instead started saying “let’s end this.” I feel I’ve been drawn into stupidity by even talking about this war bullshit. The war is unimportant and should be ended so some more important issues like corruption in American politics and monopolies controlling the media can be covered. Ah but what are the chances of that?

All this is on top of the fact that proving someone a hypocrite doesn’t make them wrong, and being a hypocrite is better then sticking to a faulty decision in fear of showing weakness. Next topic.

I’ve mentioned this before and I’ll say it again, Kerry is an ass kiss. He starts mentioning Kennedy and Reagen saying how he thinks they were more effective at making decisions than Bush. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Where the hell is your point again? Amazingly enough, Bush didn’t bite that bait. He didn’t point out Kerry’s obvious blunder either.

I’ve concluded that these presidential candidates couldn’t argue themselves out of a cardboard box. I openly challenge either of them to take me on. What are the chances of that? Hell what’s the chances of me becoming world…err American leader?

Well I didn’t watch the debate because I thought it was useless and I was right. Reading it was less a waste of time. Hey look, now I’m not out of the loop!

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and most Americans all of the time. You can’t fool me.

So let’s do something I don’t normally do and break this apart piece by piece.

Today (well yesterday at this point) wasn’t the greatest day in the world. It started with a knock on my door around 5 telling me dinner will be ready soon. Later another knock, dinner has arrived.

I head down, it’s something which I like. Overall everything is okay at this point. Robin and Sam our next door neighbors and my mom’s cousin have a son who is hanging around waiting for me to finish so we can play some games. He hangs over my shoulder while I’m eating which was somewhat annoying but all and all, still fine up to this point. My sister, who remained quiet most of the time. My cousin Lauren and my mom’s cousin Gary are over. Lauren, I’m not sure why, and Gary was working on some things around the house. My grandma as normal sitting at the end of the table with her wine-glass full of water.

Let’s talk about the culprits for a bit. Lauren is my recently impregnated cousin, whom which I’ve written about before. Gary is generally a cool guy but what I’ve realized through this experience is that Gary is also a suck up when the opportunity emerges. If he can stick his nose in to business which isn’t his in order to look good he will.

Since I’ve known him, or at least known him well which has been the past two months or so, I’ve had numerous conversations and experiences with him, and usually it goes without a problem. Once someone else is introduced into the picture, and I happen to disagree with whatever that person is saying, Gary will take the eldest persons side. Usually he throws around words like respect to back up their arguments but more then anything he just adds fuel to the flames and usually nothing gets resolved. If it’s someone younger than me, he takes my side, for example, my sister.

My grandma, well she’s somewhat insane. She stays in the house all day, sleeps to even odder hours then I do, and leaves only to go to doctors appointments, nothing else. She has this thing with everything being clean, to the point where she’ll be looking at the kitchen counter tops from odd angles in order to see what she’d probably describe as “such filth.” I’d say it’s your text book case of OCD coupled with agoraphobia what do I know? I wouldn’t be surprised if many of her symptoms were caused by the insane amounts of pills she takes daily, which is well over the amount of 20.

Back to the situation. I am done eating and decide to ask my cousin Lauren to ask her parents if they had found my pellet rifles which were stored at their house. This was done because Sam our next door neighbor said I shouldn’t bring them here. Meanwhile after discussing it with both my grandparents neither of them had a problem with it after I explained my reasoning. Of course that doesn’t rule out the option that someone could be having a mood swing…

So I’m asking this at the dinner table which may not have been the best timing, I might have been better off asking my aunt or uncle directly however since I had no idea when I’d next see them I decided to have her relay the message. My grandma interrupts and makes some comment about how she doesn’t want me to bring them here.

Now I was quite angry seeing as I had a good conversation with her about it and my reasoning as to why. It’s not like I’d shoot them around here, I’m not dumb. I explained how I found a piece to one of my guns, or more specifically the scope which my one rifles had, sitting in the den of my aunt and uncles house on a desk they have in there. That had me a bit outraged seeing as I did not expect my guns to be damaged while being kept there. Of course this whole issue is sensitive to most people because we’re talking about guns however I do treat this much differently, I have no sinister motives, I like shooting for fun. I did not plan to shoot them here, just prevent them from further damage. And they weren’t cheap pellet rifles, I spent well over $350 on them. And they were quite powerful, certainly not toys.

Plus I’m 18 now, aren’t I supposed to be responsible? I mean come on I’m not some punk kid. Is my reasoning all that bad in this case? I can legally buy a real gun now none the less a pellet rifle, why is this an issue? In fact I plan to buy a real gun and get a concealed weapons license when I am 21. I have the right to do that in this country, I don’t need a reason, though people always want one. No, I don’t plan on shooting people.

Anyway, this is the standpoint I am coming from when I ask my cousin as to whether or not my guns have been located. When my grandma suddenly says no I ask her why she is contradicting what she previously said and she responded with something like “I can change my mind.” Sure, but now you’re letting people down, and that’s not something any level of respect someone is supposed to have for you is going to change.

In the midst of all this I say the word “hell” once. As soon as that’s been said instead of explaining why she’s suddenly changed her mind, she proceeds to pick on my choice of words. Unlike your average “dikshonary” your moral evangelist picks not on words which are spelt wrong but rather words which are morally objectionable.

Meanwhile my cousin Lauren goes off topic as well and starts questioning my reasoning, which was not really any of her business, and Gary is siding himself with my grandma in the name of respect and/or brown nosing. I say something to the order of “this is the 21st century, hell is not exactly the most offensive word in the world anymore.” I mean shit we’re Jews we don’t even believe in hell. I have to admit, I bit the bait here. I probably should have got back on topic but at this point it had already turned into an argument.

So in the process of this I’m throwing away my paper plate and putting my cup in the dish washer and such so I’m at the other side of the room. My grandma is now no longer part of this conversation as Gary proceeds to yell at me about respect. He says something to the extent of this isn’t your house so you have to obey by their rules. I said that I know it’s not my house but that does not mean I will obey by illogical rules. He says something like that’s not an option and you have no choice. Followed by something like that’s part of the real world get used to it and other such things parental-sounding misguidance.

Oh yeah and of course he says that I must respect them because they’re paying for this or that. I said to him that I won’t respect someone simply because they paid for something. I said that respect has to be mutual and has to be earned. He responds saying basically the same thing, that the real world means you must respect those who have money or in his case those who are giving you money. You see, my grandparents are paying him to do work around the house, and he’s not doing all that well financially. I’d guess this is much of his motivation. Also he has some of that moral evangelist in him too seeing as he’s my grandma’s brother’s son. So he’s always preaching to me about how I should respect the elderly every time I am in a disagreement with someone older then me, which he’s done more then one time.

Alright so I’m basically backed into the corner with him yelling at me over respect, my sister leaves because she couldn’t stand it, my cousin Lauren and grandma are cheering on Gary, and I’m being told three on one style that I should be respecting peoples money and not who they are, because that’s how things work in the real world.

Hi. Does that really make any sense? I can understand if Gary was trying to be righteous or what not but he literally was saying that. I’m not twisting his words. Real world is coming around. If you suck up your whole damn life that is probably not going to be the most efficient way to make money. I don’t need a suck up telling me how to live my life. A suck up who’s currently broke. Sure sure I don’t have a job, but why would listening to this guy be of any benefit? Why couldn’t I have had a rich person in the room who was on my side, that’d have been perfect timing for one eh?

You see I don’t care if people are older than me, have more money than me, or own the house I’m living in. If you are going to demand respect and proceed to disrespect me, you’re not going to get respect back. Do your worst, I will take the risk. What can I say I’m a gambling man. I’ve mentioned before that I’ll do things which might not benefit me in order to retain logical righteousness. I do not give up.

If I subconsciously use the word hell in a conversation, not directly aimed at someone like “go to hell” but more like my dictionary is showing for the second definition of it, “to overwhelm” it’s not the biggest deal in the world. Not to mention the fact I really was quite overwhelmed in that situation, wouldn’t you say?

I was two timed, cornered, and lectured, all over something which was none of the peoples in that rooms business. For I only asked my cousin to relay a message, not for anyones opinion. And I’m treated like a kid, and an enemy. Why is this? How did this situation even happen? Did I really do something wrong? I was quite upset after the whole ordeal and had to tell Mike to go home as I really was in a bad mood and didn’t want to hang out with him right then.

He understood. Even funnier is that an 8 year old watched the whole thing, and actually took my side in the end. He told me right after this happened that he agreed with me, and said something to the extent of “guns don’t kill people.” I was somewhat surprised, first coming from an 8 year old, and second considering his supposedly strict upbringing by his father Sam, who is if I haven’t already mentioned the person who said to put the guns at my aunt and uncle’s house to begin with. Sam’s intentions were good but did not favor me. Sam does own a shotgun from what I understand. Maybe his father actually talked to his son about gun safety, I wouldn’t know.

What I do know is that it was nice knowing someone was on my side for once. Of course, it’s someone younger then me, so they’re discredited by the elders. My sister agreed as well. In my country, age discrimination is banned in the constitution.