Xero's other waste of space

So people say to me hey that girl was pretty cute or what not as if I’m supposed to care. Well actually according to most peoples ideals I am supposed to care.

I don’t though, because most people don’t live up to my expectations. And it just so happens to be that in this country most girls do not. I don’t hate girls, just stupid people.

So when some girl walks down the street who’s “pretty cute” and I see that shes loaded up with makeup and clothing from a fashion designer they are put into my stupid category. That applies to guys too, but being as I’m not attracted to them, that’s not really relevant.

But they’re an honor student! Oh sure they like computers! They use AOL all the time! They must be smart! Maybe I’m just picky. Maybe I don’t care enough. What I do know is that it’s easier to avoid people which I can immediately classify as stupid then it is to try and figure out whether or not they really are.

Maybe I’m just tired with the amount of superficialness around. I still don’t give a rats ass about how I look, despite my minimal efforts, which are because of hygiene, not self-image. And I’m no expert in that either.

I mean shit, look at me, I’m unmotivated, I don’t have a job, I might be considered smart by some, but who the hell cares? I don’t. That’s why none of that matters to me. Even if I’m some kind of chick magnet it really doesn’t matter because my stupid detection system puts up a firewall.

And when I do actually like someone they always end up being a nut case in the end, or it turns out I only had liked them for their looks and hate them personally. I’ve had each of those happen once or twice.

So that’s why I say fuck it, why participate in such silly games of cat and mouse when toy mice are 5 bucks for a pack of 12? What the hell is with weddings and rings and jewelery and all that stupid crap? Why is it that most guys don’t even care about that stuff and yet would put up with a woman who goes nuts over it? Don’t even think about using the L word as an excuse or I’ll have to slap you with a (less) stupid stick.

Is it that men are just weak or is it that most guys just learn to accept that women will just be their superficial selves? Shit most men are pretty superficial too so maybe it’s not even a problem to them. The decisions I have to make that most people do not, what’s with that?

It’s like I make things harder because I see why what most people do is illogical and because I’m not doing what they’re do I don’t simply fit into the same system. I create my own.

I really should start my own country some day.

Look a big extension of my ego! Oh wait a second.

Hey whats the purpose of this thing anyway? Is it just my way to assume I’m right in order to avoid things? Or is the world really so far lost from reality that suddenly I’m the one that seems wrong when in reality I’m not?

Why does it always have to come down to right and wrong? Why do people care what others do or say or think or feel? Is it because doing so mutually will insure optimal survival or is it because people are selfish and want you to survive their way, which is possibly less optimal?

Anyway I’m yet again confronted with the whole education issue and I swear I’m never going to hear the end of it from people, until of course I get a job, then they’d probably shut up. It seems that’s the major proving point. And of course getting a job is possibly going to be harder without the required high school papers.

At this point I’m ready to say fuck getting a GED or any type of education just out of spite of people. I’m going to try and get some computer certifications and maybe learn something I do want to while doing that, in the mean time I’ll do what the fuck I want to. Like always.

The last thing I need at this point is to be told what to do, everyone thinks they know the answers but I swear everyones full of shit, even the people that are supposed to know. Maybe the day I become completely arrogant and shut off to others will be the day I realize my true potential, it starts to seem that way with how much people get on my nerves.

And it’s always from friends or family I get this shit, the people that are supposed to care…yet blatantly misunderstand me. I don’t know anyone else in my situation who’s given me advice so I really can’t say anyone of these sources is more credible then the other.

This is boring.

So I just took a trip down memory lane I guess you could say, I just viewed the year book to my sisters previous and what would have been my school. I start to notice how much I’ve changed since I’ve been in school. Seeing people I knew previously and how they’ve changed. Looking at all the stereotypes which each of them obviously fall into, I see things that most don’t. And all the superficialness shows up too, I started going dizzy just looking at it…

I have a completely different perspective on things now, and I start to notice the difference between how I think and how most people do. I feel as if I’m better than them and that’s kind of weird, because usually I feel everything is equal. I think I’m just really starting to hate the typical path of an American. I just really disagree with the world. I’m not sure if this is just my perspective or what but I feel as if I’m older then these people…A step ahead of even…

Maybe I’m just so different from the average person at this point that I’m somewhat lost in a world of people I don’t like. Or maybe I’m just taking things out of perspective and some of the kids in there aren’t so bad…

I kind of feel as if everyone should do as I have done sometimes…not follow the straight and easy path. Maybe it’s because I’m biased but who knows…I really don’t like the alternatives I see and it seems like most people are living in a bliss of ignorance…Maybe I need to get out more, but I have no where to go…

I have a few new mission objectives, of course I’m sure you’ll recognize some of them or at least realize how I have gotten to the proceeding conclusions…

Alright here we go…

I will personally see to it that people who ride around in their car listening to pop music with the bass turned up all the way and the windows open are neutered. What’s with these people? In fact in general what the hell is wrong with most kids? Why are people so damn dumb? I swear I give people too much credit because I’m starting to realize what’s normal is deserving of not existing. It’s time for some post-natal abortions here. Knowing my luck these same foolish kids will be the next members of congress and the next presidents…They’ll be the ones passing laws for the media industries which they love so much…and it’s damn well obvious why, they’ve been hooked since childhood. Stupidity prevails and all else fails…

I’m going to kill your unborn babies. I don’t care what you think, because I know the way. Have you ever seen Jerry Springer? Most of those people have kids. The choice is easy. I propose abortion in three easy steps.
1. Removal of stupidity (this will prevent pregnancy)
2. Removal of baby (you’re already too stupid)
3. Removal of you (this is when the other 2 fail)

Now that that’s out of the way lets get to some current topics…

Alright so a cousin of mine got pregnant after fucking some guy who just left his girlfriend, so she barely knows this guy, gets it on the rebound, and is now having a kid. This inspires me. What’s even funnier is that this person about a month before had been going on about how my parents had bad parenting skills. Well lets see here…Yay for parenting skills…Seriously I actually find this somewhat funny. I’m just that evil. And an abortion oh, that’s just too much to handle…On to step 3!

I’ve got nothing against them, I don’t hate them or anything, but when people get a taste of their own medicine in such a strong way it’s kind of funny. I don’t care about proving people hypocrites but I will be the one silently laughing at your stupidity. So next time keep your mouth shut and your legs too. Oh man, I could do this all night.

What’s with sex anyway? Why do people care so much about it? It’s funny how urges control people to have kids. Seriously though I’m fed up with people being so damn obsessed with sex. I’ve encountered it so much and it’s annoying. It’s such a big joke too, girls and guys alike putting an over importance on an urge that you can satisfy yourself so easily if desired. It’s more than that though it’s like a lack of self-control and a society expectation all slapped into one…I’m tired of hearing about sex, I’m tired of all relationship bullshit. I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t care about making babies, and I don’t care about you. Also I hate you. And your kids. And your dog. And the white picket fence too.

What’s with these people who are like…”I support president bush” and actually agree with some of the decisions he’s made? They advertise their support for him like it’s somehow a good thing, and they seem so uneducated about the things he’s done and the reasoning he’s used that it’s not even funny.

So I watched my copyright-violated version of Fahrenheit 9/11 and it was less sucky then I thought it would be, however it wasn’t anything new to me. We all knew bush was a greedy business man, didn’t we? I mean come on. And then the depressed family who had volunteered every single one of its members to the military who lost their kid in the useless war against Iraq, well if you send off every member of your family to the military it’ll catch up with you eventually I suppose…

I think the real problem is that people are just like “I’m a republican so I must vote republican” even if the so called republican they’re voting for is the not very good at doing the job they’re supposed to do. I mean people are so quick to jump to one party or another and bash the other parties candidates but no one actually fucking evaluates them for how good they can do the job. Instead they evaluate their criminal records, drug habits, war records, and of course as already mentioned, political party. As if I give a rats ass? Why even want the president to have been in a war? How about a president afraid of war? Maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to start them.

I mean I just don’t get some peoples logic. I’m guessing it’s mostly war veterans who care about that last one, maybe they feel as if since they did it, their president should have as well. Just like how people expect you to have gone and finished school. More useless fucking expectations. I’m really getting tired of those let me tell you.

It’s one thing to expect someone to be able to do a certain task at hand but it’s another when you start looking at irrelevant things to see if they can do it. Why does this happen so often in America? I think it has something to do with people being misled.

I had a revelation soon after my previous post. It came to me after being reminded of something Che Guevara wrote…

“In rough outline this phenomenon is similar to the process by which capitalist consciousness was formed in its initial epoch. Capitalism uses force but it also educates the people to its system. Direct propaganda is carried out by those entrusted with explaining the inevitability of class society, either through some theory of divine origin or through a mechanical theory of natural selection.”

What came to me was that by showing people this predefined path with propaganda or expectations and then making people think this path is the way to making it rich and eventually leading to everyones favorite purpose-of-life called happiness, even if the path fails them, it’s now the only way they know, and according to it, just a little bit more hard work will get you there. Of course if that were the case every hard-working American would be a millionaire by now, that’s obviously not true. In the mean time you did manage to do a job and accomplish tasks that society needed, despite not hitting it big. And thus the mind-trick we call capitalism has taken place.

People put expectations on others and in reality following them can only lead you to being an average person. It prevents you from being truly great, which could even mean you’re above or below average, but having gotten there by your own way. And without an independent thought process you have no right in advertising your opinions, because all you’re doing is advertising another’s. You’re like a cult, a religion, a belief system, a fool fallen for capitalism…

And thus another day in the life of an American…

Millions every year. A predetermined path that is chosen, by the individual and those encumbering their surroundings. Views projected onto people from childhood and expected of them in adulthood. And all in order to weed out the favorable. Now let me get this straight here, survival of the fittest has to be logical right? Alright, then why are those following paths made by others in order to check and see if they are worthy the ones that supposedly succeed better? Is it because the same people expecting it have also followed this same route and by doing so have created a structured belief system out of it? No it couldn’t be, could it?

You’ve got it, the government is a belief system. Society as well. For we’re not born social we’re simply capable of it, what we learn is to survive better but in my opinion the way most humans learn to survive is kind of pathetic. Working jobs to make money to support their offspring and then eventually dying, and people say the point of life is to be happy but that’s such a useless thing to say.

As I’m sure I’ve written many times before no ones life is simply a bliss of happiness, no in fact most peoples lives are pretty mediocre most of the time, sad some of the time, and happy even less of that time. So the point of life is to be happy? Well most people aren’t using most of their time being happy so that’s kind of pointless. Why make the point of life one of the least truly achievable things there is? What is the point anyway? You see we’re here by pure chance and it’s a gamble when it comes to predicting whats going to happen.

So back to the original subject, a predetermined path. You follow along and you’re supposed to get more money then those who don’t and then what? The chances of me being one of the lucky upper class in this country anytime soon doesn’t seem to be in my favor, so am I going to just be average all my life, or below it? And those who do have all the cash, whats with them, what side of evolution are they on? Sometimes it seems they’re worse off then the poor. And why? Because they only seem to care about themselves, and that means less gene line penetration in the end, if you know what I mean. Seems like relationships are a complete joke to most of the rich. Ah they’re a joke to begin with who am I kidding.

Yeah so having kids is pointless and I can give you so many reasons as to why but that’s another topic for another day. So since I don’t see any point to all of this, what path will I be taking? How many times when I see a fork in the road will I decide to bend the fork and take neither? Because both are predetermined, even if one is less traveled. And how many times will I just decide to just turn around?

How hard will life be for me? How have my actions hurt my place in society? Does it matter? Is there a point? What would trying to join back up with one of the predetermined paths do other then increase my place in society? How would it benefit my knowledge, my mental state, and plain and simple, what I want, my own equilibrium, my own so called happiness?

There are many things I do not know and what I do know is that right now my life is seemingly falling apart, however I somehow have not yet lost it, in fact I seem to be improving. Is this a new step or yet another illusion?

Come one come all. It’s time.

Communist revolution!

Yes. It is time. Bush or Kerry or Che Guevara?

DEAD MEN CAN’T BE PRESIDENT. Vote for me. I’ll fix things. I’m pro-choice! I like guns. No school vouchers! No school anything. No school taxes either, pay for your own damn schools, bastards. No you damn Miami-ians, I’m lifting the embargo on Cuba, get over it.

And black people, you’re no longer hated, it’s the Arabs now, stfu about equal opportunity.

Crime is your fault, I can’t do shit about it other then try and force people to change. Get over yourselves paranoid control freaks.

Also, drugs are legalized, end of story, I don’t care.

Socialized medical? COMMUNISED MEDICAL!

Bye copyright. Bye monopolies.

Population control. More than 2 kids and we post-natal abort them and make you watch. Fuck off Christian hippies.

Also, you’re not independent, get over it. All SUV’s not being used for off-road or cargo transport are now renamed to CTV’s for “Child Transport Vehicle” and are taxed for you being so stupid. Mini-vans are banned, especially pt cruisers.

Porn will be broadcast on public television at 5 in the afternoon. Shut the hell up.

The word fuck will be printed on large posters with pictures of young children smoking cigarettes with Barney.

All those trying to censor thought will be punished with the amount of censorship they were trying to enforce with something they enjoy. Take that.

Also, I hate you, no sucking up.

Well…

Fantastic.

Let’s just say that since today I’m eviler than you are,
My human torture chamber is of enormous proportions,
In my spare time I perform back-alley abortions,
I don’t care about your silly opinion,
about moral values and government dominion,
When I look out the window, and see your kids there,
I give them cigarettes and teach them to swear,
And you might say that I’m a bad person,
but I’m just providing genetic dispersion,
A service well needed in this world of delusion,
It’s no wonder you’re in my room of contusion.

Eviler.

Is that even a word?

Who cares. I secretly hate you.

So, here’s some recently encountered bullshit:

“I don’t mean to be disrespectful but your parents were selfish and it would have been better if you never were born.”

And some random pessimism as well:

“Why do that? You’ll only be able to use that until you move out.”

As if I’m moving out anytime soon… It doesn’t look like it.

Also things like:
“What grade would you be in? Twelfth? Well why don’t you go back to school for a year and finish?”

As if I’d suddenly meet the requirements for 12th grade (lacking all the force fed memorizations from past years built up would most likely make me fail math badly, on top of lacking required credits I’m sure.)

And things like this:
“No one will hire you for your skills, you need to have an education”

Yeah, well I know not having a piece of paper saying I’ve passed your flawed social structure has made things slightly harder for me, do you think I’m that stupid? Anyways 99.9% of the rich did not get there from hard work or education, they got there from being in the right place at the right time. Pure chance. I don’t need to hear pessimism from people who think they understand the world, who think they know it all, for whatever reason, age, self-proclaimed wisdom, past experience, or what not.

Of course when I question what they say, or when I just plain out say no, you’re wrong, then all of a sudden I’m the know it all. Shit, I’m already the know it all just from writing this, am I not? In their eyes maybe, but I never claim to know the way, I just know what I’m not doing. If I did get a job they’d all shut up pretty quickly because they’d no longer be able to make silly claims like that so now I’ve got something I can use in spite. Maybe it’ll be just the motivation I need. Maybe not.

I have noticed that I’ve basically been raised to be lazy. Then again so has most current teenage culture from what I’ve seen. It seems that parents are too overprotective in all the wrong areas. All people care about is censoring their kids from violence and naughty words. So now their kids listen to prepackaged pop-music and get further thrown away from the reality which censorship has already blinded them from.

And of course parents are too lenient in all the wrong areas. Kids get away with stupidity. Of course if you get all A’s you’re mommies little honor student and so all must be well. Go work a desk job sucking some thirty-five-year-old-dropout’s dick who just so happens to own the company because it was passed down to them by their parents.

And then you say I’m supposed to give a shit. Fuck that.

You know right now there’s a lot of people trying to put pressure on me. Of course in reality I don’t have much so I ignore the pressure they’re trying to put on me since they’re full of shit and make my own. That hasn’t worked out to well either of course. Their pressure is all about the future. When I turn 18 suddenly no more social security checks, suddenly I’m not covered by my moms insurance, and of course all the other things involved with being 18.

Speaking of my mom she’s basically gone off the deep end. Blinded by her own emotions and impulses she’s become impatient and seems to suffer from some sort of hyper-anxiety. Being hyper appears to make time slow down, it only figures. She competes with my sisters immaturity and imitates her in many ways which leads to random screaming bouts between the two. It’s kind of funny, and sad, at the same time. The only difference is that my sister is lazy and my mom is lazy yet forced to work. Of course this means my mom suddenly knows about working in the real world and motivation. Not.

As for immaturity, I think most people are really bad judges of it. It seems by most peoples standards around here maturity just means you do whatever they want and don’t question it. It’s funny because they all talk behind each others backs like a bunch of teenage school girls. Oh, am I judging someones maturity? Am I talking behind their backs? Sorry about that.

So in the end what’s it about? Money. They say money doesn’t make you happy, and I hear that so much around here. Funny because no one around here seems happy. With all the complaining and fighting going on it seems like everyone’s quite angry. And I’d think that equates to sad in the long run.

Plus happiness is always temporary. No one is living in a bliss of happiness, sorry. You can only be so ignorant to a point, you know? You could take me as a cynic, and you’d be right. You could take me as a pessimist and you’d be wrong again. Pessimism with a side of optimism. I can’t be like all the pessimists around here, all they try to do is bring me down, even if they don’t realize it.

And what’s with parenting advice from people who’s children are currently not doing so well later in life? And what’s with parenting advice from people who don’t have kids? And what’s with parenting advice anyway? Let’s just abandon our babies on the top of mountains. Whatever one makes it, they’ll be the next king. Either that or an NFL player, who knows.

Everyones got their own little way of life and as long as I’m not making my own money I’m expected to obey by another’s rules. You know, these people are pretty damn lucky I’m not self-dependent at the moment because if I was they’d probably never see me again. They say they care, so I’d assume that’d make them pretty upset. I’d think about all the things they were probably saying about me behind my back and laugh. I have no intention to talk to people who are just going to bring me down. Plus being social was never my thing.

You know, sometimes I’m too evil for my own good (saying things that would disadvantage me.) I kind of like it. You know why? I see through the cloud of bullshit, and through it, you wouldn’t believe, was more shit. The bullshit people force themselves to believe is all to hide the truth, which is shitty to begin with.

Accept it, everyone’s wrong in the long run. There is no right. If right is to survive using whatever method then right is relative. Survival is of course, a selfish desire. I’m starting to think most Americans are on the bad side of natural selection.

I’m tired of life at the moment. Everything seems to suck and all I ever do is worry about dying. When I think about it I really don’t have anything to live for anymore. The only thing that I have to live for is making money and buying things. Even that isn’t satisfying. I guess you could say I’ve failed capitalism.

My fortune just was:
Don’t despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.

Which is really fucked up because I was just thinking about something like that, my previous post kind of reminded me of the whole human reproduction thing and I started getting somewhat annoyed by the whole thing. Yeah that’d be easy, find some girl and have kids and have my only reason to live to be to extend the gene line. That’s stupid.

Maybe I’m overly simplifying things but I don’t really care because all the in between shit is just that, shit. All this stupid ass chemical reaction bullshit is pissing me off. It’d have been so much easier if instead of being human I was a cat, so I could sleep all day and then randomly go crazy and then go back to normal as soon as it seemed all hope is lost. That’d be pretty cool.

This is a waste of space. Really, it is. In fact I hate everyone. It’s true. Everyone always thinks I keep things bottled up well now they’re right. I secretly hate you.

You know more than ever I’m tired of bullshit.

While not at the computer I receive a message from an ex saying they still like me. I have a strong suspicion they’re just full of shit or trying to make someone jealous. I didn’t see the message until about 50 minutes later where I respond saying “haha really?” Of course by this point they have an away message on talking about not being able to see through a cloud of egos.

What the fuck. Who do these people take me for? I’m not going easy on anyone just because they’re a girl, fuck that. I’m tired of peoples bullshit. I’m not going to play a game or buy into fucked up left-over emotions. How the fuck can someone I’ve talked to briefly one time in the past year or so validly like me still? Do they even know me?

Of course not, it’s a big fucking joke and I’m the victim, or so it’d seem from a paranoid perspective. It could be a jealousy thing, considering their online photo album is full of pictures of them making out with some guy. Maybe trying to make me or that guy jealous? I really couldn’t give a shit anymore because of my choice to disassociate with human reproduction games.

What kind of insecure fuck-tard would try to make some guy they dated years past jealous who they haven’t even talked to in ages? I mean damn. That’s fucked up. Unless of course they were serious with what they said, and had no hidden motives. I doubt that. Maybe they’re just fucking with me, who knows. What I do know is that people are fucked up, and I’m no better in many aspects.

Even though I’ve gotten trapped up in this health anxiety thing I still can smell bullshit when it’s laying around. And I smell it. Should I even waste the time to question their motives, or just assume stupidity right now and fuck it? Which wastes less time? Do I need to waste time? Do I gain or lose something? Think like an animal.

You know I kind of liked how I was before this health anxiety shit. I was pretty damn kick-ass. This stuff brings me down, I feel like a weakling. That’s not how I normally am. Oh fuck that I still rule. You all suck. Take that, ego cloud.

You want to know what I think? The only reason family members care for one another is because they’re the continuation of the family gene line. Fuck that.

So in the mean time while I’m living around a bunch of fools, I might as well take advantage of it. My family pisses me off. Extended family that is. They’re so quick to talk behind everyones back and judge people for difference in opinion that it’s not even funny. It disgusts me. It’s like racism against ideas or something.

So in the mean time no one has any solution on what to do. Of course money is the big limiter as always. What else is new. Money money money. Stupid ass territory games.

So everyone is doing these silly ass tasks to make money to live and survive and for what? So you can die in the end. Of course while you’re doing it all you’ll fool yourself into believing that you’re invincible and will end up in some utopia. Yeah right, selfish pricks.

Prepackaged bullshit, that’s what life comes with. Your family is what decides which package you get. Men and women get different packages. So everyones raised to be the perfect human, as of course your parents see fit. They’ll blind you from the real world at first, then slowly introduce you.

Well my parents never really tried blinding me from the world, that doesn’t mean they told me anything themselves though. Just no censoring. Did it benefit in the end? Yeah, but at the same time it pisses off people who see differently.

And why is that? Because they were raised with a different package of bullshit. So if you’re poor, you get the poor package, rich and you get the rich package. Guess what? You all suck.

I’m tired of hearing this stupid ass crap about etiquette, morals, and manners. When I hear those words I do not think “good thing” like some seem to. I hear self-limitation without justification. The only justification is that “it’s the right thing to do.” Of course this is coming from the mouths of people who have no clue about what right and wrong means and how relative it is. Their old beliefs are dug in so deep it’s like trying to dig to the center of the earth to get them out.

Old fashioned. It seems to happen in every generation too. It’s not a new thing, it happened with our parents and their parents as well. Why is this? Is it some kind of method to ensure that the new are the only ones to prosper? Or is it that some people have just learned to accept it right in the ass and not to question?

I guess I will find out if I live that long, who knows. I think if I was made world leader I’d probably end up destroying the world and ending all progress because of how pointless I think it all is. I still have no justifications for existence, and when I see how close minded and self-limiting most people are it goes to show how pathetic the human race really is.

Look at them all, 6 billion of them, tiny ants. Squashing each other. Yeah, too bad for you fools that there is no god, no savior, no hope, no fate, no destiny, no reincarnation, no life after death. You’re all going down. False hope got us this far, how much further will you let it take us?

I hate american teenage culture. So what else is new. Yeah, well since I haven’t been hating it as much recently now being exposed to it again has reengaged my hatred.

So why don’t all you pathetic fools go write in your xangas and complain about how bad of a time you had after you made your mom schlep you all over the damn place to hang out with your “friends.” Display your angst as you proceed to listen to so called punk bands.

Bitch and moan at every little thing that doesn’t go your way. Complain to get your way and complain when you don’t. Complain to complain. Act independent but show severe dependence. Whine whine whine.

People say it’s being spoiled. Too old fashioned of a definition. What does spoil mean anyway? To take away, to seize, to corrupt, to decay. It’s not at all an accurate description of what is truly going down.

Stupidity, that’s what it is. And not just of the teenager. Also of the parent. It’s a control game with the parent losing. It’s past the point of failure though. Now they’re old enough to form their own opinions and ideas, changing the way they are is not something you can force.

Not giving into them is something you can do. When I stand firmly against stupidity the reaction is complete silence. There is nothing they can do, nothing they can say. The flawed philosophy is inherently going to fail against any good opposition.

So go write in your journals about how bad everything is and the stupid events that happened in your insubstantial life. I hate you damn teenage socialites. You should all go jump off a bridge and I know you’ll all follow each other.

Listen to your “independent” pop culture rap and punk trash music and like whatever your friends do. Of course question it and they’ll tell you it’s all self-formed opinion. Yeah right. We’re talking about people with dependency problems here. Good job, you think you’re independent. Fuck you.

No bullshit. I don’t care about your flawed emotional process, so if it makes you sad, aww, too bad. Makes you angry? Too bad. Annoys you? Get the picture? I’m not doing shit for you, you don’t do nothing for me, why should I? Money? I’m not selling out, especially not to stupidity.

Emogirls. And their male whores. They’ll be running the country some day you know. Yeah, since when have we had a president that was spectacular? We’re not a country of originality or independence anymore. Drones. All drones.

You know I was getting all anxious over health shit but now I see it was just a silly death fear thing. Yeah, one day we’re all going down. Some people are so robotic in their actions that it’s scary. It almost makes death seem required rather than inevitable.

If those idiots from a few hundred years ago were still around forcing silly religious ideas on people and killing those who objected, I’d probably kill them myself. And at that there’s still too much stupidity. So fuck people.

I’m tired of people. Tired of doing shit for them and helping them, because in the end I’m a selfish animal and being social to survive is not the only way.

Being in groups to be stronger only works when the group isn’t a bunch of idiots. Fuck that. Find me one group that doesn’t suck and I’ll show you a group that’s not lasting very long. Fact is, the world favors stupid.

I’m still having these bouts. It’s pissing me off. I just came home from therapy and as soon as I get home I have another health anxiety attack. I am really starting to get annoyed with this. I have an appointment with a dermatologist in 2 weeks and that’s a long time to be acting like this. I really want to get this checked out sooner. I can’t live with this uncertainty anymore.

I thought I made some progress but it seems the exact opposite. I’ve been unable to do much other than worry the past day. I had finally got over the last bout of this and then last night I’m itching my back and I notice a lump and it’s a mole and it was like bleeding or something. I tell myself that I probably picked it open and it’s nothing but I can’t convince myself that, I can’t wait the 2 weeks, It’s disturbing me too much. And even if I do go and they take it off and then I have to wait for the results I’ll be just as crazy then too, so I really don’t want to wait anymore.

I keep having these fears of skin cancer. I can’t stand it, I don’t know what to do.

god damnit I don’t want cancer. I don’t want to die, not now.

I think whenever I’m bored or stressed I start to fear something is wrong with me. It might be stomach problems, it might fearing some mole is cancerous, or that my rash I have is masking some other ailment of the day.

It’s really starting to piss me off, just now I had the worst attack of this yet. It was pretty bad too I was getting really anxious and all. I kept reading some shit about melanoma and find all this shit about young people getting it on this page of some plastic surgeon saying you should fear it or something.

I don’t think fearing it is very good. All these damn illnesses and what not that people can get I swear there’s so much shit that can go wrong with the human body it’s not even funny. It’s like ridiculous amounts of stuff. And I’ve only seen a tiny part of it all.

What the hell is with that anyway? It’s starting to piss me off more and more. I could never be a doctor, I’d go absolutely insane. I don’t know what it is I’m worried about. I don’t really want to die but know it’s inevitable.

I think if I had some disease and my chances to survive were about none I’d just ask for lethal injection right there because I wouldn’t want to go through all the torturous treatments just because there’s a slight possibility that it might help.

In reality I think we barely know shit when it comes to curing medical stuff. Most of it seems like guesses. Oh sure, we can diagnose it, but when it comes to fixing it we’re absolutely clueless yet fooling ourselves into thinking otherwise.

It’s like, you got cancer, time to inject you with some chemicals that kill your whole body and just might take out the cancer as well. Or maybe we’ll just shoot you with some cancer-causing radiation, because it might help! Or perhaps we should just attach leeches to you and have them suck out all your blood.

I’m really starting to get pissed off over this fear. Sometimes I wish my brain was just a computer program so I don’t have some stupid body which is doomed to fail to worry about.

Yet another thing pisses me off.

Today was quite an adventure.

The problem:

Me and my mom’s cousin-in-law went to my old house to move some stuff over. We get here to find the fish tank now has a crack in it. He takes no responsibility at all for it even though I’m damn sure it wasn’t broken before. He even lied to me about it and said that he said it was already cracked before we moved it, which he didn’t. Part one.

I put all the stuff we brought away and brought the broken tank up to my room to monitor it for any substantial leaking. It wasn’t leaking that much but there was no way I could fill it with water. The piece of glass was being held in by friction alone. I fall asleep for a few hours and eventually my mom got here to take me to buy a new tank, which after a quick discussion over the price and size, we finally buy one. Part two.

We get home to set it up and everything is fine. Grandpa makes a stupid comment like “I don’t want a fish tank” and I say something to the extent of “what do you want me to do kill the fish? You can go kill some people if that’s your thing but I’m not going to.” He says something about how humans are better than fish and I say not to me. Finally he gives up, walks away, and I finish setting the tank up. Part three.

I’m walking downstairs with a box to put it in the garage and was just hanging out down there until my grandpa starts up with more of his abusive threats about how I should do what he wants me to do and be like him. I proceed to tell him that if he keeps pushing me I’m going to just end up doing the exact opposite and that he should lighten up some. He then proceeds to make more threats and walks off. My mom obviously disagreed with her fathers methods but did not stand up to him and help me out, instead she made some submissive comment about how she didn’t get a break after my father died as if I’ve been getting a free ride all this time. Part four.

My grandpa leads a very structured life and lives on his traditions and old fashion methods. I don’t. If he is going to keep doing this to me then it’s not going to be very long before things start to get pretty nasty around here. I won’t be pushed around, and I will make him see the flaws of his own actions whether he likes it or not. Part five.

The solution:

An eye for an eye is the solution I see in this situation. Since he disagrees with my methods so much I will have no choice but to push the thin borders containing his. I’ll question his high belief in family compassion and show that if he really cared he would listen to me some more instead of constantly saying how he’s going to change me. No time for irrationality. No time for emotions controlling decision making. No time for outdated methods. No time for putting money above peoples feelings.

I’m tired of hearing comments about “reality.” I know reality far better than all of these people, and it’s much different from some silly human desire to survive. This survival based world which we live in is not something I particularly like, but that doesn’t mean I have to suffer to be part of it. So just because I don’t have a job at the moment suddenly I have no clue what working every day is like? Suddenly I have no clue about the territory control system known as money. As if I’m just some little kid who doesn’t know a thing. And all this just because I don’t have a job. And there’s so many bottom of the line computer jobs I could easily get and not make much pay and not enjoy that much as I’d be using such a limited part of my knowledge to accomplish it. If I got one, what would that prove? Nothing, other than satisfying someone else’s illogical desire.

Achievement doesn’t do much for me, and I’ve said this before. Anyone can achieve things, I achieve things all the time, and even if it does make me happy for a while, it doesn’t mean shit. This world loves to praise achievements though, which I find useless, as something is always going to be happening, things will always be achieved, even if humans disappeared from the face of the earth things will still be achieved.

I’m also tired of people making work out to be the most terrible thing in the world. I don’t have have a job I don’t like. I don’t have to hate my job. It’s becoming more apparent to me that these people have lived their lives by traditions and never tried to enjoy much other than the false hopes that these traditions bring. Such as silly ideas of family compassion and the supposed happiness that brings. I don’t have to suffer to show that I can be experienced with this so called reality. You people make me sick.

Family structure. I’m tired of this whole family structure bullshit. I’m sure not everyones family is like mine but seriously I don’t give a rats ass about these people anymore then I do any other human. I don’t have time to waste fooling myself into thinking one specific gene line is better than another just because I happen to be part of it. Nor do I have to try and keep it going. I don’t have to care about anyone if I don’t want to, even if I did come from them.

In fact at this point I’m just tired of humans in general. They tend to be so irrational all of the time that it’s not even funny. If it weren’t for the blatant stupidity that most people display on a daily basis, maybe I wouldn’t hate this place so much. No one understands my perspective at all around here. They just think that because I stay in my room all the time and don’t go anywhere that I’m somehow socially inept, or inexperienced with the so called real world.

And while I may not have any experience down on paper, there’s not much I can’t do and I don’t see getting a job as much of a challenge. Their world is a delusion though. A world where they say they care but once it comes to money it’s a whole different story. A world where traditional methods are put above logical decision making. A world where stereotyping is easier than judging people on an individual basis. The typical flaws that most humans have and now I’m being told I should have them too.

Of course at the same time I’m smart to these people, because they don’t really know what I’m thinking, and it makes me seem mysterious. I’m tired of people putting my dad down just because he had a lots of debt. At least he knew how to enjoy life unlike most of these people, who only get happiness from false hope and suffer in the mean time. The only reason they put my dad down for the way he lived is because they know someone is going to have to pay some of those debts off, and again, it’s more selfish reasoning. My dad’s methods were not the best and he did have a compulsive spending problem but it’s a minor problem compared to some of the alternatives.

All and all it’s the same thing yet again. Fuck off and stop telling me what to do.

Well today’s a fancy day and I’m supposed to be up at 7 in the morning, lucky for me it’s 2:48 and I won’t be able to go to bed until at least 6:30 so sleeping at this point is probably useless. Ah well, time for an all nighter.

I’ve been watching tv all weekend so I haven’t had to deal with many people. There’s this classic science tv shows thing on. It’s a bit too much TV to watch to be honest so it’ll probably take me ages to go through all the recordings.

There is some nice things about it though, not dealing with anyone was pretty nice. More than anything I got everything done around here. Garage emptied, boxes moved, room cleaned, everything is done. Shit is good at the moment. No nagging, no abusive friends, nothing.

Talking to people less means I get bored more and there’s now an opening for more, which is currently overfilled. Within the past 5 months or so there was 3 people who I was talking to a lot and then stopped. That’s only 3 people, sure, and I have plenty of other people I talk to, but those people I had talked to a lot. For some reason, people who I can talk to a lot usually end up being people I hate, although there’s one exception.

My one friend I have known for years and while at first we used to fight a whole lot nothing like that has happened in ages. So things worked out fine and we talk quite a bit. A few other people I get along well with but don’t talk much at all. I think I might know what the problem is.

Usually it’s a person who shares an interest with me, alright fine. There’s only so many interests you can share until you basically just run out of things to talk about, only then do you realize you don’t even like the person to begin with. When checking my logs, out of the top 4 people on the list, 3 I don’t talk to anymore. All of which I shared interests with, but ended up not liking their personality. The other is the friend I mentioned above. Why is this? It’s because they were there as boredom satisfiers. We’d talk about the things we’re doing, specific interests we share and the things we’re doing with them, but then what happens?

It gets old. That’s what. I’d talk to them a whole lot within a period of a few months then occasionally when we’d disagree I’d start to notice the flaws of their personality. One person was dependant and irrational and could only compare opinions to others instead of forming their own, another would compulsively lie and was very arrogant, and the third had severe problems with trust and dealing with their emotions.

I’m starting to wonder how many people I can actually be friends with and talk to a lot and actually share something more than interests. It’s pretty damn limited from what I see. Most people piss me off too much. Not many people seem to be able to think clearly.

On the myer-briggs personality test my type (or types as I’m somewhere in the middle of two) seem to say most of my friends will be from shared interests. What I’ve found is that this works pretty poorly more often then not. In the end if I hate your personality it doesn’t really matter all that much what interests we share. And most people who have half decent personalities I can get along with as long as their interests aren’t terrible. Such as silly ass pop-media type stuff and clothing.

On another topic…

Ever notice that on all those old “prediction of the future” shows they show things which were already possible at that time, and usually even demonstrated it pretty closely? Predicting the technology of the future is stupid. Stupidest prediction of the future: video phone. It exists, and could have existed even way back when, as tv and cameras capable of producing a signal readable by them have existed for ages.

Why do those silly old prediction shows always mention it then? Because it seems neat? No it doesn’t. It’s stupid. It’s trying to make something inherently unrealistic more realistic is just attempting the impossible. In fact phones are already overused with cellphones and such so why the hell add another useless feature? And with all these camera phones these days adding a video capability would be so easy, and annoying.

I don’t think those future predictors realized how stupidly people would use technology.

I think I was just experiencing an emogirl and didn’t notice. Yay, emogirls. I haven’t been talking about emogirls much recently probably because of the fact I had been blinded by one. I can’t believe it.

Ah well, you know my stance is of course the same. Emogirls suck. Deluded by the media and surroundings – no matter how smart they seem the underlying emogirlness emerges and conquers the rest. Oh sure, it seems like it’s all jolly at first, but then what happens? It falls apart. Ask anyone who’s dealt with an emogirl and convinced themselves it was okay for a while.

I know it’s happened to my friend and I’m not the only person to have suffered the same dreaded fate. Emogirls are rampant social anomalies, there because the stupidity of society lets them be. The media and corrupt social expectations. The music which someone listens or friends they have, the influence of stupidity is found everywhere.

It’s not just that though. It’s more than just being stupid. It’s a lifestyle revolving around not understanding emotion and depending on others. It’s not about being cold or compassionate. It’s about how you deal with emotional struggles. It’s not about listening to the music of the genre “emo” but more often than not emogirls do tend to listen to music which has depressing lyrics so they can feel they relate to it, as they seem to be unable to deal with their own emotions.

Then there’s the male version in which the music is usually some poorly stated political opinion. Some female emogirls listen to this kind of music as well. The music someone listens to can definitely tell you a lot about them, but only to a certain extent. When you take a look at the music someone listens to, and more than 50% of it is full of lyrics about depressing things or useless political statements you can be pretty sure you’ve got an emogirl on your hands.

It’s not just the music though, I’m sure there’s emogirls who don’t listen to that kind of music at all and still do the other things involved to be an emogirl, such as overly depending on others for emotional support, never actually dealing with anything in the process. Acting as if they care about others when in reality they usually are just using people as emotional crutches and get off on hearing the problems of others. They’re probably truly unable to care about others, as they don’t care for themselves. Most emogirls make using people and manipulating others out to be the worst thing in the world, but that’s only a projection of themselves.

Of course that won’t stop them from saying they help others, or even trying, but in the end they’re just blinding themselves from their own actions in order to avoid having to change. Most emogirls get gratification out of being an emogirl despite how “angsty” they claim they are. It’s an attention game.

Most emogirls also have very confused ideas about love and tend make love out to be something like it is in the movies. Most male emogirls hang around female emogirls but don’t actually date them. The male emogirls usually share these same deluded ideas about love, probably in order to impress the female ones; a false compassion. The female uses the male as a crutch and the male is usually doing the same thing, but also wants sex out of it, so in the end the males takes some suffering. Most emogirls end up going for the less compassionate person who treats them like shit because their dependant behavior and false anger makes them masochistic.

In my case I more often than not come off as pretty damn cold but I’m not one to treat people like shit, I just never give up on an argument. Which tends to piss most people off, especially emogirls, as many girls in American society seem to have gotten it in their head that they can boss around men and always get their way or else they’ll threaten to leave them or what not. I’m not afraid of silly threats like that, it doesn’t phase me. I wouldn’t want to be around anyone that stupid anyway.

So if I piss some emogirl off because she’s used to getting her way with men I couldn’t give a rats ass. Let her leave. Social fads like this tend not to last very long and only cover small areas. This whole thing most likely came from biased women’s rights groups feeding the ideas of women superiority into the minds of many. Acting as if they’re some kind of abused majority and vastly taking things out of proportion, only then to use logical fallacies and threats to get their way. The cause may have had some merit at first, but at this point it’s deviated entirely from any original purpose.

The specific emogirl I dealt with was quite biased towards women and obviously made women out to be superior, despite them denying this. They persisted to point out all these things which they thought were wrong with men, but when it came to women there were no complaints made. I had actually heard similar from this same person long ago in the past, but never saw them explode with it as they did in this instance. I think what happened was that a bunch of little things about me had built up and since they can’t deal with their emotions properly it exploded all at once. Then their extremely irrational self-serving reasons as to why the little things I did were wrong all came out at once.

Constantly put on an act about how bad your life is, how bad your surroundings are, and make others feel guilty for being more fortunate, things like this which totally disregard the fact that most emogirls put themselves into the place they are in. This is what it takes to be an emogirl. No one is forced to be an emogirl, it’s a learned social behavior. Add in a pinch of arrogance and a side of stupidity and we have ourselves an emogirl extreme.

Of course, ask any emogirl, and I’m the one that’s wrong. Guess my tolerance for stupidity isn’t that high.

I think some people tend to act extremely different when in a social groups vs when it’s one on one. When dealing with a specific person in a social situation their personality drastically changed as they saw me associate with people other than themselves and in different ways.

My joking around was suddenly more offensive even though the same jokes would have not been offensive in one on one contact, I was not acting any differently than normal. It seems though, that some people cannot act normal in social situations with more than one person, and tend to get greatly offended.

I’m scolded for being cold and called names and other such things for my “behavior in public” basically. It seems as I offended their friend, or they feared I had, or they saw me acting the same way I treat them to other people, and suddenly got offended.

Maybe they wanted special treatment? Maybe they wanted to be the center of attention? I am not too hard to get along with and do so pretty easily with most people, even if I don’t particularly like them. As long as it’s short contact, I’m usually alright. I joke around, and no one usually has a problem with this. I may seem cold but you’d have to really not understand me to assume that I am blind to emotion.

It’s easy to assume from much of my writing and the kind of things I say, I tend to joke around with things, sometimes even in situations where it may be inappropriate, but I have to take a humorous stance to life, because there’s no reason to be grumpy over things.

That’s why despite being called names, attacked, called a bad person, being told I don’t live up to expectations, among other things, I’m not really that offended. I can’t dread over it, because I came into this whole thing expecting problems, and in fact left the friendship before, only to have them return, multiple times. Why? I had been told by another, and later them, that they got something out of our communications.

I think what they got was someone who challenged their beliefs and behaviors. I think that I truly did help them see certain things, even though they’d never admit it. I’m not trying to claim credit though, even if I didn’t help it doesn’t matter, because I don’t get an ego high out of it or anything. I’m made out to be some spoiled kid and what not and I can’t mention the numerous times I’ve been told that, usually by them. It’s always in defense and has no real merit, because it doesn’t really make me right or wrong even if I am some spoiled kid.

Of course it’s not about right and wrong, or so that’s what we blinded ourselves to think. I admit that in the past I had said it’s not about right or wrong when it in the end was. The true outcome was unknown at the time so my statement was premature to begin with but ended up being wrong. Can’t be right all the time.

I can admit to being wrong, as I’ve stated many times before. In fact I’ve done it a few times just today. I was told that I had made claims that they had problems which they didn’t, which made no sense, as I didn’t say they had any problem and just asked them to verify my statements. They claim it was kept impersonal but it was so obviously personal it wasn’t even funny.

I’m a fucking prick and a joke with too much god damn money. Right. In fact right now I have just about no money, and only material possessions. I don’t brag about it. I’m not going to feel guilty just because someone happens to be less fortunate than I am. In fact when it comes to technological possessions we both have pretty similar stuff, even if their stuff isn’t as good, or is better than mine, does this matter?

No, because the attacks were just that, attacks. They had no logic behind them and were just ways for them to push me away, reasons to hate me, rationalizations. If they want to hate me so be it. I still won’t know why but I really don’t care that much because I can’t care for someone who won’t care for me, who won’t trust me, who puts me down for no good reason and quickly dismisses or ignores my defenses with no good reason.

Surely it’s a difference in opinion but there’s obviously some flawed philosophy mixed into this. Maybe it’s both of us, maybe just one of us, I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t feel as if I did anything wrong, and was not trying to offend anyone. I was just chatting in a chat in which they initiated, and I guess they felt I wasn’t behaving in a manner which they agreed.

From all the behavior I saw, I made the guess that they didn’t like it when they weren’t the center of attention. I was chatting away pretty well in there and wasn’t really conflicting with anyone. Then here they come and basically jump in out of no where and start attacking us. Later they justified this as just having their own opinion but it was very obvious they were quite angry, and through whole conversation until the end anger was very evident.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but I am yet again reminded of a hunch I’ve had for quite a long time. Histrionic personality disorder. This person, for as long as I known, loved being the center of attention, whether it be speaking gibberish or making fun of people, they had to be the center in group contexts.

A. Uncomfortable if not the center of attention. Covered this. Pretty sure, even though they denied it.

B. Inappropriate provocative or seductive behavior. They always have had a large following of men behind them, and were always much of a flirt. They described themselves as a player once. This one rang a bell.

C. Shallow and rapid changing emotion. Do I even have to explain this one? I’ve never met someone who could change emotion as quickly as them, any little thing could make them angry and switch emotions big time.

D. Uses appearance to draw attention? Not that I know of but they don’t seem to care about looks all that much – which is something I actually admired.

E. Speech that lacks in detail and excessively impressionistic. Definitely. During the whole argument they wouldn’t specify any details at all. They haven’t ever been much for details, all talk and no walk.

F. Theatrical, self dramatization, or out of proportion expression of emotion. YES! They always proceed to talk about how they’re very emotional, and constantly say how I lack emotion and what not. While I’m not the most emotional person in the planet, their emotions are always quite dramatized and especially past events, which get held as grudges more often than not. Their feelings about love also seem to be very exaggerated, though they dismiss my saying that, as I’ve apparently never experienced it. I honestly believe they just get obsessed with people and call it love when shit hits the fan. In the past I had even seen them become oddly obsessed with people they didn’t even know, and had trouble getting over it. They had basically been stalking them at one point.

G. Easily influenced, suggestible. Their numerous trust issues make this one very plausible, even though I may not have personally seen them as gullible, they described numerous occasions in which they had been taken advantage of. There’s also many drug issues they got influenced into as well, but I’m not sure if this counts.

H. Feels even a sociable relationship is intimate. This one is very similar to provocative or seductive manner. I can recall in the past how they talked about just how close they’d get to some people which at the time they considered friends. Of course their friends are always shifting around because it’s a constant game of betrayal and trust in their mind.

They also have some symptoms of some other personality disorders, mainly borderline, and paranoid. Borderline has symptoms of paranoia though, so who knows. Many psychological problems are tied together with others, and much is still unknown. Of course they made a comment that they don’t have any problems and it’s all my fault. This was contradictory to a previous statement made the day they came to me being quite upset that I had left, and admitted to having many problems that hadn’t been dealt with.

You could say that I’m trying to diagnose them to avoid having to say it’s my fault. That might be so, but I find it unlikely, because of the fact that this emerged during a social event, in which they hadn’t even been talking at the time, but as soon as they did, suddenly they had to make a scene. They attacked me and another person (who they don’t consider a friend but was for some reason invited to the chat) and basically disregarded us as assholes. This other person I’m not even friends with and we were debating something, so we weren’t even agreeing, but that didn’t matter. It was pretty innocent, and we had no real problem. My so called friend did though.

They proceeded to attack us both and made comments which were pretty offensive. They were provoking and not very logical. They later said something about how they don’t like to debate the way we were as if they had a better way, and that it was just some kind of ego/power trip thing, and built upon testosterone. Most of their comments were sexist, racist, and otherwise plain out stereotyping. They claimed they weren’t but it wasn’t the first time I had heard them rationalizing offensive comments. And they claim the previous events were just joking around, humor.

I guess when they use that as a defense it’s okay but when I use it it’s not. [EDIT: After further analysis I’ve noticed that almost every time they made offensive comments like the ones I mentioned above they were in group context.] Not that my defense isn’t true, though. I was being sarcastic and admit that I had been basically picking on people – but it wasn’t personal, nor bullying. Just plain old fucking around. Sarcasm. It was obvious too. Nothing more than I do in my journal numerous times per week.

And that had never been a problem with them, until this group context came into the picture. It seems their behavior changed greatly in a group context. And I just happened to be a victim of that. What am I do to? I was already prepared to lose a friend, so I don’t really have a problem at this point.

I didn’t appreciate them attacking my personal situation and other such things as a defense at all. I don’t know if they were in the right mind or not but they certainly weren’t acting themselves. They said they had done some drugs which they had been coming down from, they said they might get really angry or something. Maybe this was that? I don’t know though.

Even if it was I don’t think I can ever forgive them again at this point. Knowing me, I probably would though. Ah well, sometimes I’m just too nice to people. And that’s coming from a person as cold and heartless as me. Well, at least according to them.

Seriously though, I think I’ve had it. I do not want to be abused any longer and I’ve given them way too many chances. I can’t worry about it if they think it’s all my fault. They claim they help people through problems and what not but I suppose trying that out on me didn’t work so well. I didn’t ask for their help. I don’t think they’d be capable of helping me anyway. They should deal with their own shit first. I don’t see how lashing out and calling names is very helpful. I don’t really think they were trying to help me though, just push me away.

I think they should stop claiming they’re such a good person and acting as if they have the best motives when they’ve so many times done things which are quite objectionable, including this. Why would you even have to claim those kind of things if it were not true to begin with? I think part of it has to do with society expecting this innocent thing but on the other hand much of it is stuff they brought upon themselves.

I deal with my shit though, because I do care. I can’t say that about everyone though. Even if I haven’t changed in a way they preferred, it doesn’t mean I’m worse off. I don’t think their views of how people should be are very good.

Living in a world with sets of abstract rules. Rules made for our survival and rules that most follow without questioning the reason behind.

Chemical reactions evolved into organisms which all carry out predefined tasks required to survive and reproduce. Work and sex and learning the standards in which society expects and projects upon others.

I don’t see the purpose. What is the purpose of all this? When I look at human behavior and compare it to some bacteria fighting for survival in a petri dish I see little difference. I see the way we’ve adapted technologies to be able to support more of our specie and entertain us while we’re doing nothing.

I see the way most blindly follow. I see the way the world works in a perspective much different from others.

Some people think I’m lost from reality because I don’t obey by all the rules. I say that I’m closer to reality and have seen enough to ask, what’s the point?

What is the point of our existence and the things we do. Why do chemical reactions evolve and form beings? And when they do what’s the difference from when they don’t? What’s the point of following all the rules? What’s the point of doing the things we need to survive? To prevent pain? To prevent feelings our preprogrammed bodies tell us are bad? To let the mind cloud reality? Why survive?

Why benefit ourselves? Just because we’re surviving who says we have to? By blindly following the rules of society it leaves unquestioned the purpose of it all. Most people will just leave that to some silly religious meaning.

What is the point of all this? Is this a waste of time? It’s starting to seem like it as days go by. I’m starting to see. I’m starting to see the patterns of everyone else and realize how pointless it all is. So what happens if I do nothing?

I’ve never truly did nothing. My feeble human body is incapable at the moment. What about when I die? The world still goes on without me. And with that the whole pattern continues and the question still must be asked, why?

I guess chemical reactions will happen no matter what so things will go on. The things we do and say and the jobs we carry out and the miscellaneous events that occur during the day all these things are chemical reactions. Even social events are chemical reactions. They’re the chemical reactions of socialization. A process that was invented from the atomic evolution into material forms which then evolved to be able to create a sub-reaction to further benefit our survival.

And still the question is unanswered. There’s no point. So why do anything? To enjoy it? It still is pointless. I can obey by the rules. I can go get a job and find a girl and have kids and do all the typical events that humans do and I still will ask, what’s the point?

I might experience pleasure and pain and I still will ask, what’s the point? I will never understand the purpose of this weird weird place we live in and at that the universe it just happens to be sitting in.

I’m not confused or afraid, I’m not angry or upset, I’m not happy or sad, I’m not depressed or manic, I’m not any silly rationalization of the fact that I don’t really care about obeying the rules of a system I see no point to. I’m not going to let my words be denied by ignorance.

I don’t care about some silly governments fighting it out, I don’t care to fight for one, I don’t care to benefit any specific group, I don’t care to help the needy, I don’t care to save the planet, I don’t care about the survival of the human race, because I still don’t see the point.

I don’t care enough to be told what I can and can’t do by threats of enforcement agencies and waiting games. What’s the point? The ones who don’t benefit the survival of the human race, or more specifically the group which the individual lives in, get thrown away. We’re chemical reactions fighting it out just like bacteria in a petri dish, and who has the right to tell me that I must also join in on the fighting? Why must I pick a side when both sides are wrong? Who says I have to fight? People who are blind from reality, that’s who. The people who make the rules we obey by. The leaders appointed by humans for humans using more layers of systems and structures that we’ve built. The people who are appointed to lead and/or benefit a specific group of humans, of which almost all are lost from reality.

There’s no point to any of it, it’s all just a silly game to see who ends up the victor in a fight for survival and then in the end the sun burns out and we’re all trashed and the process repeats all over again in some distant galaxy far away.The only point anyone can ever come up with is some silly point which is only beneficial to the human race, and at that, what’s the point? What does it matter if we’re here or not, other than some selfish desire or instinct? Can you say things are better or worse with or without us? And at that you have to realize better and worse are just silly things we invented. So there’s no point to that either.

There’s really absolutely no point for me to do anything so if I am going to do something I might as well do what I want to do. I don’t even know what I want to do. What’s the point of doing something? I certainly don’t want to do the stuff other people tell me to do, because that stuff is even more pointless. A flawed system has no point.

I really wish I could truly not care about a damn thing. It’d make all this pointlessness a lot easier to handle. I’m tired of flawed systems. I’m tired of the false reality that others believe in. I may be lost but certainly much less so than the majority.

Don’t tell me what to do if you don’t see what you do.